Episode 211 - The SRC Day 3 - Your Values Audit

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Resources:

• ⁠⁠⁠Join the Shana Rishona Challenge on WhatsApp⁠⁠⁠

• ⁠⁠⁠Check out the First Year Married Course⁠

💞 Shana Rishona Challenge Day 3: Your Values Audit!

Today I'm talking about values, especially when you feel your husband isn't exactly living up to the values in some (large or small) way.

We can often get so stuck in feeling we either have to "accept" what he's doing or figure out a way to change him. I want you to know there's a third way. You go straight to the value. Is tefilah important to you? Great. Live it. Focus on YOUR davening. Get a chevrusah and study the meaning in depth. Value HIS davening--even if it isn't happening quite how you thought it would--not so your positivity will "train" him to want to daven more, but because it's a value you want in your home.

This week's challenge is to look that the values that you want in your home--yes, even the ones you feel you or he aren't doing so great with--and step back and consider what's the best way to create an environment that nurtures those values?

Transcript

0:00

Shana Rishona Challenge day three Your values audit.

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

I'm certified coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

0:23

Hey, welcome back for day three.

There was no chance I had enough words on WhatsApp to send out everything I have to say about this.

Honestly, it's an entire week inside of my course, inside the first numeric course.

So even still, it won't be so much.

But this is something that comes up so, so often and I'm so passionate about in my coaching.

0:41

So you're going to get a challenge today, but I'm going to use the the podcast episode to kind of flesh out this challenge a little bit more than I was able to inside of the challenge.

By the way, if you hear me talking about that and you're like, Kayla, what are you talking about?

There is a WhatsApp challenge going on right now.

0:57

I am giving you those challenges here inside the podcast.

You don't need to be in both places if you don't want to, but if you do want to get them, it's Bitly BIT dot LY forward slash 4, the number 4 Shalom Shalom.

And that will take you to the link to join the challenge and do it alongside all of us.

1:15

So would love to have you there.

OK, one of the most confounding things about marriage is when the way you always thought things ought to be done and every everyone seemingly agreed with you doesn't seem to be how he thinks things should be.

OK, so you get this like clash between you, your values, your way of doing things and his.

1:34

And usually we can laugh and learn and move on.

But the most challenging place for this is when the IT is seemingly a clash of values.

So I'm going to use davining with a minion for an example.

I hear this one very, very frequently.

Most women come into marriage expecting their husbands to just with ease be able to Davin regularly.

1:53

They're pretty shocked to find out.

And I'm always happy to be the one to tell you that your husband's not the only one, that that's it's not so simple.

It's, guess what, not so simple to wake up on time every morning, go do something pretty hard, even though it's very meaningful first thing in the morning.

2:09

I don't know that I would do so great if I was a man at that.

And also your husband's know that there are other men like him too, where as women, you know, being at home or off at work or whatever we're doing, we don't really see that picture, right?

We only sort of imagine that everyone's there, and so that one comes up a lot.

2:28

Now, it could be that Davening with a minions not your thing.

It could be that he's not, you know, as focused and work as you expected and you're a little bit nervous about that.

Or he's not as organized.

Actually, I'm going to take organized out because that really is less of a value.

That's more of a a trait which we could deal with separately.

2:44

But let's say he's really not putting his all into work or even into job hunting or he's davening is great, but you thought you were, you know, marrying this huge massman and he wants to come home for nights Aater.

So whenever The thing is I'm going to talk about davening, I want you to just swap it out in your head.

OK, I don't care.

2:59

Could be could be anything.

So really the, the thing again that we're talking about today is when what you really feel and, and you're feeling this from a place of true authentic values, OK, You're not trying to be controlling.

This matters to you.

This is not something you can just give up on.

3:15

You can't just stop caring, caring about this thing, OK?

It's important to you.

So this is where it becomes this clash, right?

Because it's, we can't just laugh and move on and be like, oh, I, I'm an introvert and you're an extrovert.

And I guess it's OK.

It's like, wait, wait, hold on.

So what's happening?

He's been sleeping in, you've noticed.

3:32

First you summoned up all the things you learned in colic classes and Shalom by his classes, and you were super positive.

You remembered you are not as much.

Great, well done.

Guess what didn't work?

He's still sleeping in.

OK, so we go to phase two.

You try positive encouragement.

3:48

You make a nice hot coffee, but he's going to have to wash in the teal as a diet before he can drink it, so he's going to have to get out of bed.

You make sure to tell him how much you love that he goes to Minho with the minion.

Wow doesn't seem to make the connection, or it doesn't seem to be working because he's still not making Shahers.

4:07

OK, now it's starting to get a little stressful.

After all, you thought when you were dating that you were on the same page in terms of values.

You come from similar types of families.

You thought he was serious.

Was there some big misunderstanding here?

You tell him a little more strongly.

This is a really important value to you and minion matters, and it makes an impact on your home.

4:25

Hopefully, this point you can at least bite your tongue before you start to say, one day we're going to have a son.

And are you not even going to make it to Hezbar mitzvah?

OK.

So for sure in your brain, you're already thinking about the henog of your children and what your home's going to look like.

What comes next?

4:41

And I can tell you this because I've heard it from you all, is not pretty.

You're feeling full of judgement and extremely stuck.

We never are our best selves when we're feeling stuck.

He's feeling misunderstood and under appreciated.

You don't get how hard this is for him.

You're not really listening anymore.

4:58

Forget his davening because you started to slack off on your own too.

You're not really davening as much as you were.

Or you don't have kavana.

So here's where the values audit comes in.

I hope I haven't completely freaked you out.

I'm going to give you a tool today that's going to make a huge difference for you.

5:14

When we do coaching and I teach my clients how to track their thoughts, how to get self-awareness, we always use the same model.

Thoughts create our feelings, feelings drive our actions and those actions produce our results.

When your thought is Minion is really important, which again, it's true.

5:33

We're not trying to take away your value, but when that's where does it go inside of this self-awareness model, when it's your thought that the reality is it's 9:00 and you can still hear him snoring from the other room, you will feel awful.

Remember, thoughts create feelings.

So if your reality and your belief system is clashing right now, right, your reality is he's sleeping.

5:53

Your thought is, but this is so important.

You're going to feel bad and then that is going to drive actions that are not going to serve you.

Ultimately, the urgency and the pressure of all of this doesn't create an environment that's conducive to spiritual growth for anyone.

6:09

Everyone feels bad about themselves and we know that nobody grows from feeling bad about themselves.

So we're trying to what I want you to do is to move the value, the value in this case, we're using davening with a minion to the result area.

Now this is tricky.

I'm going to make a small adjustment here because I want you to use a value that you both can embody.

6:29

So for instance, I'm going to shift this to the importance of Tefilla, because if we really believe in the importance of prayer, then the best kind of prayer available is going to be what we want to do.

OK, now remember, actions create our results.

So you're going to work backwards here.

6:45

What actions would I need to take to make my home one that is conducive to optimal Tefila?

All right, I can't put here I get him to go to Minion because I promise you, no matter how many shell and bias classes you go to, no matter how much behavioral training you study, you cannot take away your husband's free will.

7:04

This is ultimately up to him.

So your work is not in getting him to do something, which is such a relief, by the way.

If you've been holding on to that responsibility, you get to quit that job and just be his wife.

It's so much better, I promise you.

7:22

But what you can do is you can create an environment that reflects your values.

You can create an environment and that by the way, that ability to create an environment to to relate, to be in that being state, that is a woman's unique gift and power.

So use that, use that.

7:37

It's a resource you have available to you.

So what do you do there?

You focus on being understanding and partnering with him.

You focus on trusting him.

You focus on what he is doing, not by the way, so you can tell him and then he'll feel positive and then he'll do it more just because you want to be in a place where you see the best in him because you know that when someone sees the best in you, that's how you grow.

8:01

You also focus on your own davening.

You start to learn a safer with a friend about Tofila.

You start to live the value yourself.

And in this indirect way, it also comes into your home.

And what's amazing about this idea, right?

So the values audit, as I say, I take the thing that I keep thinking it's so important to dive in with a minion and I say, how do I embody this?

8:21

How do I create an environment that supports this and stop being stuck in this very short term tug of war of how do I get you to do this?

OK.

So it just becomes this like much more global, much more patient, long range vision, much more full thing.

8:37

And what's so amazing is let's say there's somebody listening to this podcast whose husband might never get there.

It's just the reality, right?

We're all, we all come to this world with our strengths and weaknesses and we want to believe in everyone's ability.

But I don't know what your unique path is.

And it could be that your path is that's not what you're going to get in your husband, right?

8:57

But what happened in the meantime?

You nurtured a home that supports the value of Tefila.

Your own Tefila grew.

All of the energy you've been putting into something that you can't change.

Whether or not he goes, that's completely his domain now goes into something that you have control over and you become a better person for it and you start living that value that all that energy, right?

9:19

All that desire for him to go is coming from a beautiful place.

It was coming from how much you care.

But we're just channelling into the right place now.

OK, what do they want to tell you next if you're thinking about how to do this right?

So we want to go back to that model.

So I know what actions I want now.

9:35

I want to focus on my own learning.

Like imagine you could just do these things, right?

I'm going to be able to focus on my learning.

I'm going to find some really beautiful way of, of studying this a little bit more.

I'm going to, I don't know, just make it a fun thing.

I'm going to work on myself being able to, to let him go for maybe he's great at going tomorrow, but that's always a hard time for me.

9:51

Maybe that's my work right now.

So you know that to do those things, you're going to need to feel differently than you feel right now, right?

You can't just start doing those things.

This is what I did when I was a newlywed.

I just tried to do all the right things, but I didn't get my thinking and feeling in line first.

So I basically was a robot until I crashed and then my frustrated, overwhelmed self came out.

10:12

I don't want that for you.

OK, So what do we do instead?

We have to say, well, how would I have to feel if I was to do those things naturally?

Maybe, maybe for you, it's empowered and inspired.

If I was feeling empowered and inspired, I would for sure want to do those things.

So what you do is you look for true thoughts, thoughts that you actually believe that resonate.

10:31

And then suddenly this is the beautiful part.

It's like your brain opens up and everything drops in All that stuff that you learned about to feel out that's been kind of rattling around in there is going to come back to you.

Oh my gosh, that unique power of a woman, the media of patients, how I always wanted to work on that.

10:48

The value of partnership and friendship in a marriage, right.

All this stuff is going to come into the the the the value why I care so much about to feel it.

What I want to dive in for how my relationship with Hashem could change.

All of that's going to click in and now you're back in alignment because when you're thinking that way and I can't give you those thoughts, they're going to come from you.

11:07

But once you identify the feeling you want, then they're going to they're going to fall into place and then you're back in alignment.

You're living your values.

OK, so I know this was a much deeer dive.

And again, the the challenge itself is much shorter, but if you want to go even deeper than what I'm offering you in today's podcast episode, this is week 3 inside of the first year married course.

11:29

It is available for a reduced price.

I really want to make this available for as many people as possible.

So it's a, it's normally $180 course and you can pay as low as $50, which is basically 180 shekel.

I figured that was like a, you know, we could bring it down to there and you have lifetime access.

11:45

As long as that course is being offered, as long as I have it in the state.

I don't have any plans of taking it down.

Then you have access to those.

And if you want to join the challenge on WhatsApp, go to BIT dot LY forward slash borsham.

I'll try to get that into the show notes for you and I'll see you back here tomorrow.

No, excuse me.

12:01

Sunday.

I will not be doing one of these on Erev Shabbas or shabbas.

So Sunday, Bli Neder, I will be back to give you the next day.

And so exciting to see all the women who've been joining and sharing with me their experiences.

I I I get so, so much sipuk from it.

So thank you for everyone that's been letting me know how this is going for you.

12:17

And yeah, I'll see you back here on Sunday.

Bye.

Bye.