Episode 215 - The SRC Day 7 - Communication Upgrade

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Shana Rishona Challenge Day 7: Communication Upgrade

It wasn't easy for me to pick which communication hack to use, but yesterday someone told me that after DECADES of marriage, this tool gave her a new insight into her husband. That's enough HP for me.

Here's the idea: women talk back-and-forth. We interrupt to show we get it. We finish each other's sentences.

Men don't. Men talk until the idea is finished. If they see they won't get to finish the idea, they might not bother to start it.

It's tricky, because when he IS talking, we might feel disengaged--after all, we're not used to being so passive. On the other hand, we might not know he even HAS much to say, because he's never really had the chance.

So here's your challenge today: at some point today, listen to your husband AD HA SOF. Until he's done. No interruptions, agreements, disagreements, sentence-finishers, "here's what you're probably trying to say"s.

Enjoy the gift of seeing more and more of him.

The full Communication Masterclass (basically a course in and of itself) is inside the First Year Married program. Check it out at ⁠kaylalevin.com/newlywed⁠

Looking for more support? ⁠Book a call⁠ to learn more about private coaching availability.

Transcript

0:00

Not realized like light bulb, nothing I thought happened just happened.

It's like I just turned on the light and I just saw the whole experience with more clarity and there is no problem here.

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

0:16

I'm certified Coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

Shana Rishona Challenge Day 7 communication upgrade Hello my friends, those of you listening in real time, I hope you had a wonderful param.

0:40

We had the best time.

I think I said this before, but the only thing I'm going to be more excited about is pay socks.

So that's coming.

If you're feeling stressed, I just want you to take a second.

This is just one of the best things I ever did, which is my rule is you're not allowed to start cleaning for pay stack until you've done two things.

0:59

Number one is you have to read Rob Scheinberg's.

It's written up as a letter.

Now, it was based on classes that he gave to women, but he has a write up on what pay stack cleaning actually is.

Now, the truth is I also do spring cleaning.

I think it's really fun and it's very much in the mode and I try to make the space of my schedule to be able to do it.

1:20

And then when I'm sitting down to the theater, it's really nice to have all the extra stuff.

So I don't think that there's something wrong with that.

It's almost become like this, like if you go overboard, there's something wrong with you type of thing.

And I totally disagree.

I think it, it can absolutely add to your holiday, but it's not the mitzvah of cleaning for peace out, right?

So number one is if you're feeling overwhelmed, make sure you just get back in touch with like what actually needs to get done.

1:42

Because what does need to get done is quite serious, but it's not as overwhelming as you might be making it out to be in your head #2 is don't start cleaning until you've taken at least a moment to sit down.

And think about that moment when you sit down at the Seder and your kid spills his grape juice or wine inside your husband's wine all over his white kits off.

2:02

And the matz is there.

And the yummy food is warm.

And I don't know if you make your own Seder.

We make our own pizza.

But if you're going somewhere else and everyone's in their beautiful clothing and it's just such an amazing experience and remembering that that's what you're working towards.

2:18

If you have kids, by the way, those of you who are newlyweds, you might need to be thinking about what are the parts of Peace Act that you're looking forward to that you're excited about, right?

But don't start doing all the work until you've given yourself a moment to just connect to the amazingness of the other side.

2:35

And then the work is really exciting because it's like walking uphill to get to the ice cream store, right?

You're totally happy to walk uphill because you know that they have your favorite flavour.

That's kind of how I feel about claiming for PESA.

Anyway, that's not an all our episode today, not at all What I want to talk to you about.

I want to talk to you about communication.

2:51

Now, if someone I was just on a call with an amazing person who does rat session will be on the podcast soon.

And she said to me, if you had to summarize all of your work into two things, what would it be?

And that was a really fun question to answer.

And communication is something that we throw the word around a lot.

3:13

People know that it's important.

Usually if someone comes to me and says I know that my husband and I need to work on communication, it means that what she's seeing is that she's getting into like these sort of spiraling conversations where one or both of them are feeling very stuck and they come out with a lot of negativity and they're not getting anywhere.

3:30

When I started to study the work of people who really embraced and got curious about the differences between the way men and women tick, what it means for a man to communicate a certain way and what a woman might make that mean.

There's so much there.

3:47

There's I couldn't give you 2 things.

I can't give you one thing.

It's very hard for me to choose one thing to talk about when we talk about male female communication because there are so many things and every single one of them is this light bulb.

So I came to this work already having done coaching.

4:03

So, you know, I was like, OK, well, I could coach myself to feel OK about the fact that he just, you know, said that thing that was, you know, because he, he, he just called me lazy or he just did this or he did that.

And then I learned the communication thing that I'm going to give you.

And I've realized like light bulb, nothing I thought happened just happened.

4:18

I don't have to coach myself because it's like I just turned on the light and I just saw the whole experience with more clarity and there is no problem here.

Reminds me of recently I did a call with somebody who was, I'm not gonna go to her details, but she was in a sort of crisis mode.

And when I explained to her what Shana Rishona supposed to do and what Shana Rishona needs to be able to do it.

4:42

And that if you can't do it right away, you have you can make more time to do it later.

Like you could, you could maybe have to your Shana Rishona might need to take.

I know, I say, you know, Rabbi Tat says it takes 10 years.

No one really feels like they're in Shana Roshona for 10 years, but you might feel like the first year was a bust.

4:59

And realizing that it didn't mean that there was a fundamental issue in her relationship.

She was able to see very clearly that the mechanics of what was needed to go through the developmental stage called Shana Rishona hadn't been there.

She didn't have the building blocks that she needed through no fault of anyone.

5:17

It just was their life circumstances and that now she could do that, right.

So it was kind of the same thing like watching her with just like light bulb went on.

She saw the whole thing differently.

This whole thing, which seems like an extreme crisis is now just, you know, navigating a specific challenge that can be dealt with.

5:35

It's one of my absolute favorite things to see happen.

It's one of my favorite things to experience personally.

It is just makes life so much easier to live and it's so much more fun to connect to your husband when you really get him.

So I did have to pick one for today's episode.

Someone recently just told me that she's been married for decades and when she learned this tool, it gave her a new insight into her husband and she's having conversations with him different than she's ever had before.

6:01

So that was enough for me to say, OK, she's she pointed out this specific tool that I introduced her to must be that this is the one I'm supposed to use for the challenge.

OK, So the idea is we talk differently.

We are our conversations happen differently as women and as men, women, we like to talk back and forth.

6:19

We interrupt.

If I can finish your sentence, that's me showing you how much I get it.

You feel very connected to me.

If I'm finishing your sentence where there's just this banter, there's this going back and forth and it's almost like a like a really fun tennis game.

You know, we're volleying back and forth to each other and it feels so connected when that's happening.

6:39

Men don't do that.

Men talk until the idea is finished.

You ask them a question, they think about the question, they come up with a thing they want to say and they say it until it's done.

If they see that they're probably not going to get to the finish line, they're not going to get to be able to, you know, articulate their full idea because we look kind of impatient or we look like we're about to banter or we look like we're about to finish our sentence.

7:02

They might not even bother to start.

So could be not experienced this thing of like he's talking and talking and talking.

Now what's interesting is that the people I've worked with who've learned this tool will sometimes say to me, but OK, so I'm trying to be a Good Wife and he's talking and I just want to listen.

7:18

But I'm feeling so disengaged.

And I think it's really important to remember the mechanics work both ways.

Meaning when you're trying to play the game according to his rules, you have to know that in your body, in your wiring, you want to be in the banter.

So it's hard.

7:33

We're not used to being so passive.

On the other hand, many women don't even realize their husbands have much to say because he's never even had a chance.

So I just want to acknowledge this is tricky.

It's not going to be your natural state to just sit and listen.

7:49

It can be because what you do is you practice, and you practice a new way.

It becomes your new way of hearing him.

You're listening to him and you're taking it in very, very deeply as opposed to showing how you already get what he's saying or you get it even better than he's saying it and you can articulate it even better.

8:10

What you're doing instead is you're going from a place of openness and curiosity and not knowing and staying open to when is he going to say something here that I don't know already.

And I it always will.

You always will.

You will always find something that he's saying that is new if you're listening that deeply because we don't know each other that not well.

8:31

We don't have each other's number.

And it's so healthy for your relationship.

I always, always encourage you and personally do this.

Always look for opportunities to see how much you don't know about your husband.

It sounds counterintuitive, but what keeps our relationships fresh and engaging and thriving is that sense of distance.

8:53

It's that tension of I'm connected to you, but you're still not me.

You're still not this, you know, I, I get it.

I know what you do.

I know all your strengths.

I know all your weaknesses.

I've got your number.

That kind of thing, which makes us feel very secure maybe, but lacks the, the, the tension that we need to feel like our relationship is, is engaged and is exciting and it's somewhere we want to spend our time.

9:20

So when he's talking, your challenge for this episode is at some point today, I want you to listen to your husband, Adhassoff.

That means to the end until he's done, until the whole thought is out.

No interruptions, agreements, disagreements, sentence finishers.

9:38

Here's what you're probably trying to say.

Let me articulate it for you even better than you can.

None of it.

Enjoy this gift of seeing more and more of him and practice this tool of learning to listen in a completely different way.

This is one of the tools that Ioffer inside of the communication master class.

9:56

The communication master class is class number.

What are we up to seven.

So class 7 inside of the first Remeric course.

It probably could and maybe one day will be its own course in and of itself because it really is basically a whole course.

But if you want it, the way to get it right now is the first year Married program.

10:13

Right now it's available on my website.

I don't think that's going to be staying for very long.

So if you are looking, I'm not just saying that to make you whatever.

I just want to give you a fair warning.

At the moment it is available.

You can go to k11.com/newlywed, but we've got some other ideas in the works and that might be changing coming forward.

10:30

And if you are looking for more support, if you feel like, look, I could listen to everything you have to say, but I'm terrible at online courses and, and you don't know my specific situation.

I need someone.

I don't have a person to walk me through this.

I don't have a person to help me have that light bulb moment where I feel like this is doable.

10:46

I'm feeling overwhelmed because look, a lot of you just want to make sure you're getting the best out of Shawna Ritona and a lot of you are feeling like you're really, really struggling.

That is what my one-on-one private coaching is for.

So you can send me a message, you can e-mail me, you can reach out to me on the website kayla11.com.

11:03

I'm here to support you.

I care deeply, deeply that every Jewish woman should have an experience of building her home and and really take advantage of this huge gift we have called Shana Rishona.

And again, it's a developmental stage.

You might be 18 months married, you might be three years married.

11:19

If you still feel like you don't have your feet underneath you as a couple, let's just get on a call.

If I'm not the person to help you, I will try and help you find someone else where I will at least tell you it's not me.

So the call is not a sales pitch.

It's more for me to understand and to give you a sense of what working with me looks like, what tools I use to help you.

11:38

I basically built for you a coaching curriculum in the course of our consult call.

And I'll tell you this is what we're going to be doing if we work together.

And then you get to take that.

Go talk to your husband if you want to talk to your mom, if she's paying for it, like whatever you need to do to digest and think about it really not into like creating any pressure here.

11:56

So if that sounds like you know what I think I need to book that call.

Just reach out to me.

The websites, probably the best place, kaylalevin.com and let's just get on the call together and see if this can help you.

We can help you have a more positive, a more productive, a more connected Shawna Rishona.

12:13

OK, my friends have an amazing rest of your week and we will wrap up this challenge on the podcast next week with the in laws.

Bye bye.