Episode 216 - The SRC Day 8 - In-Laws Love

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A good relationship with your in-laws is possible—even if it doesn’t always feel that way. In this episode, we’re tackling one of the most common struggles I hear from newlyweds: feeling criticized or undermined by their mother-in-law.

But what if the issue isn’t confidence, boundaries, or even her intentions? What if the key is simply allowing yourself to be new at this? I’ll walk you through a mindset shift that transforms interactions with your MIL from stressful to supportive—so you can embrace her advice (or let it roll off your back) with ease.

This is the final day of the Shana Rishona Challenge—let’s finish strong! 🎉

Resources:

• Join our Shalom Challenge on WhatsApp to find out when the next challenge comes out: ⁠bit.ly/4shalom⁠

• Check out the First Year Married course, open now! ⁠kaylalevin.com/newlywed⁠

• Looking for more? I have a few spots open for private coaching. Maybe one of them is yours. Book a free consult call with me and let's find out! ⁠kaylalevin.com/coaching

Transcript

0:00

Mother-in-law says I never worked as much as you.

You must be so tired.

Come to Shabbos back-to-back.

So some people are hearing that they're like, Oh my gosh, she's so nice.

But probably not if you're the daughter-in-law, right?

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

0:17

I'm certified coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

The Shana Rishona challenge day eight last day in laws love.

0:36

OK, so as a newlywed coach, you won't be surprised that I help people a lot with their in law relationships.

One of the things that I think we forget is that Shana Rishona is not just about setting up your marriage for success.

0:51

It's all of the life changes.

It's actually one of my absolute favorite things about coaching newlyweds is there's so much going on.

It's the marriage and it's the in laws and it's the Hagim and it's managing the house and it's the probably new job, possibly new community, new friends.

There's so many pieces going on.

1:07

So in laws pretty much top the list.

I would say after marriage, in laws are very, very often one of the the next probably #2 I always say it's probably #2 and things that then I coach on.

And so of course it needs to be included here in the genre shown a challenge.

So I want to start by saying that a good relationship with your in laws is possible in almost every situation, even if you don't like her boundaries, even if your family cultures are very, very different, Even though our entire culture likes to act like it's not possible, Even though technically in the Gemara it's acknowledged that the in law relationship is tense, right?

1:45

The mother-in-law cannot be a witness against her daughter-in-law.

So it's a real thing.

There's something here.

But I want you to know that this relationship can be good.

And that's why I'm calling this challenge in laws love because we want to have, let's begin with the end in mind.

As Stephen Stephen Covey says, we want to start with the goal.

2:02

And if you've been married a while and you're already kind of feeling burned by this relationship because it's not gone the way that you want, that might already feel very, very out of reach.

What I want newlyweds specifically to hear is that this is possible and it's going to require some flexible thinking.

2:21

It's going to require adjusting to the culture shock of a different family.

It's going to require it's going to require, well, it's going to require what I'm going to talk about today's challenge.

So let's just get into that, OK?

I'm going to be speaking to this And, you know, in terms of kind of framing it, the most common issue that I hear from you all, I realize this might not apply to everyone.

2:42

As one of my good friends told me, you know, make sure that they know that they're so blessed if they haven't lost, right?

Because it means your husband has both his parents.

So I want to acknowledge that that's a big thing and it's something to keep in mind.

And I realized that this might not play with every this, you know, this example might not apply to everyone as with all of these challenges, but I think there's enough people sort of in a similar, it just keeps coming up this similar, similar dynamic that I want to address it.

3:08

So the best way to improve your relationship with your in laws is to allow yourself to be in a learning process.

I want to explain what that means.

Very often the coaching that I'll be doing about in laws is a woman feeling stifled, criticized, offended, defensive.

3:28

Defensive would be like the number one feeling.

If we're looking at like, what are the feelings that the daughters in law are feeling?

They're feeling defensive.

They're feeling defensive of their territory in terms of like, he's mine now.

Like, does she know that?

Why is he calling her everyday?

Why does he keep going over and helping at her house?

3:44

Like whatever those things are?

She's feeling defensive primarily in terms of establishing herself and getting the respect of her mother-in-law.

And so when this comes to a head, when this becomes a crisis, is mother-in-law suggests that you do something differently or she sends you a recipe that her son loves, right?

4:05

She's she's doing something.

She's inviting you for Shabbos, like back-to-back.

She's just doing something that seems like it's either a criticism or a lack of boundaries.

Maybe she says you work so much.

I never worked as much as you.

You should just come for Shabbos all the time.

Very, very quickly.

The daughter-in-law feels that this is clear criticism.

4:22

This is a lack of boundaries.

Now I want to just break this down for you. mother-in-law says I never worked as much as you.

You must be so tired.

Come to Shabbos back-to-back.

So some people are hearing that and they're like, Oh my gosh, she's so nice.

But probably not if you're the daughter-in-law, right?

If you're the daughter-in-law, what you're hearing is I never worked as much as you.

4:41

So is she trying to say you shouldn't work so much?

Is she judging me?

Doesn't she realize what our financial situation is?

Doesn't she know her son's not even working?

Doesn't she know that it's more expensive today, right?

She goes already into this place.

But the way to check it is to just remember, like if your friend said the exact same thing, you'd be fine, right?

4:57

Your friend said, Oh my gosh, I don't work like you.

Do you work so much comfort Chavez?

Like every, every Chavez you could just cut.

They're like, that's really nice.

I might not want to do that, but I'm not feeling defensive.

So what's the difference?

When it comes to your mother-in-law, there's a part of you that desperately wants to prove you've got it all figured out.

5:14

You've got it.

You know, you you could do this, right?

And when you're in that space of trying to prove yourself, it's very easy to feel offended and disrespected.

Here's why you don't have it all figured out yet.

Guess what?

I don't have it all figured out yet.

5:29

None of us have it all figured out yet.

I just didn't need, I don't need to prove it anymore.

I'm not in the stage where I'm needing to prove it to myself and I'm needing not I'm, I don't need to prove it to my in laws that I everyone knows at this point all of my faults and weaknesses.

I can't hide it anymore, right?

So there's no sense.

5:45

There's not, I'm, I'm sure it creeps up sometimes, but there's not really the same sense as a newlywed has of wanting and meeting that respect and like weighing everything based on is she judging me?

Is she making comments?

Like where is it coming from?

There's not this defensiveness.

6:02

So because you want to prove it right, you're just kind of automatically going to the space.

You're interpreting things along those lines.

And what's maybe counterintuitive about this is the way to work with that is not to work on your confidence.

6:20

That's what we do right?

When we're feeling defensive.

Defensiveness only comes on top of insecurity.

There's something I'm insecure about.

So then I will feel defensive.

So if you come and you tell me, you know, you're not very good at being 5-6, I'll be like, OK, I don't know what you're talking about, right?

6:37

I'm not going to be defensive about that.

I am not.

I don't need to be secure about being.

That's just how tall I am.

Like it's, it's just a reality.

It's just who I am.

There's, there's no drama for me.

But if you were to come over here and talk to something that maybe is a sensitive spot for me, I don't know if I've got this right, you know, I'm not going to give my examples, but any of those things, then I might get defensive because I'm feeling insecure, right?

7:01

And So what we try to do is we try to build ourselves up.

OK, fine.

Well, maybe my dinner doesn't get on the table by by 7:00, but he, we're adults and we could eat later.

And anyway, she doesn't even know how to cook a vegetable.

Like I've seen her dinners.

If we ate that, we would just be totally unhealthy.

And I'm trying to have right.

7:17

We tried.

Why do we give ourselves these, these talks in our head?

It's to try to create confidence.

It's to try to generate confidence, but it's, it's not going to work because that's a very brittle and shaky confidence.

You can't compete, not that there is actually a competition, but if it feels like there is, The thing is, it's not a good competition for you to be in because even if you're you're in a different competition, let's use the food example.

7:43

You're in the competition of you would really rather have like really exotic and healthy food.

And she makes really, you know, just kind of like home cooked, not so healthy, totally delicious stuff, but it's always on the table on time.

You're not even first of all, there's no competition because why?

Why are we competing?

7:59

We're not.

There's no judges.

Second of all, there's no competition because even if this was a competition, you're in two different races.

You're trying for two different goals.

Third of all, you've had a lot less experience getting dinner on the table.

8:16

You are new at this.

Let's take the example of you working all the time.

If, if that stings, that means there's a part of you that's like, gosh, should I not be working so much?

Maybe I'm not able to put as much into, you know, my marriage right now.

And like, I'm a newly read.

8:31

Should I be focusing more?

I don't even want to be.

And I'm not shelling with the fact that Hashem is putting us in a situation where I have to be working, right?

There's something coming up for you with that that you're trying to sort of like muscle your way through.

And the solution is just this, like, kind of relaxation into the reality of like, yeah, no, I am figuring it out.

8:55

And honestly, I want you to know some of you might have mothers in law.

And everyone agrees she's actually criticizing you.

She's actually making Diggy comments.

Everyone agrees that that's what she does and that's who she is.

And if we were to get her to speak, she'd be like, yeah, you know, I won't admit it, but, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Even whatever her motivations are, at the end of the day, you're allowed to be new to all the things that you're new at.

9:18

It's amazing to me how people think that they're supposed to have marriage figured out.

Have you been married before?

Most of you haven't, so why should you know how to do it right?

Have you had to get dinner on the table every night?

Have you managed balancing your career and a marriage and a home that you're now immediately feeling much more responsibility for than you ever did when it was just you and maybe some roommates or by yourself?

9:43

Housekeeping, balancing all of the stuff?

It's OK not to know.

It's fine.

And when you're OK with not knowing not you're OK because you feel like I'm, I'm already there you go.

No, no, I'm not there yet.

I'm not supposed to be.

Then you won't need to defend anything.

10:02

And you could just take all those offers of help for what they're meant as a woman who's been there because most of the time this is what it's meant as by the way I talked to the mothers in law.

She's been there.

She kind of remembers what it's like in her mind.

She feels like it would have been nice if someone had just told me what he likes to eat.

10:20

Gosh, it was so hard to figure out that food thing.

It took me forever to figure out.

Maybe I can just help her.

I just want to ease her way.

She's just another woman on the journey with you.

It's just such a beautiful opportunity for us to just first of all, connect and give ourselves so much compassion, make ourselves OK for where we are in our journey.

10:38

By the way, those of you listening who've been married way longer, whenever your thing is right, whatever you realize you still haven't really figured out.

So many times people say, me, Oh my gosh, I wish I had worked on that Shanna Rizona.

I wish I'd figured that thing out.

It's not always marriage stuff.

A lot of it is the just like, I wish I just had my repertoire of 10 meals that I know how to make without a cookbook.

10:57

That's a great thing to work on in Shanna Rizona, by the way, because it's fun and it's interesting and it's like you've got the headspace for it, right?

So many times people will say, like, that would have been a good thing to get.

So like that woman becomes a mother-in-law.

You one day will become a mother-in-law and you would like, I wish you could just pass that on to her.

11:12

It could just make it so much easier for her.

And Emeritus Sham, you'll all get to a place where you can accept that and benefit from that.

And yeah, you're working a lot.

So now you're going to have a Shabbos more.

Now I realize that there's those of you who might be listening and thinking, I wish my in laws were over here barging in our lives because actually they're totally out to lunch and they're not connected to us.

11:34

And that's our pain point.

So again, you know, there's only, there's only one challenge for today, but this is the the piece that I want to give you.

Everyone that we connect to, it gets us to be a more connected person.

So it might take a little stretching, It might take some creative thinking.

And as I said, a new family is a whole new culture.

11:51

It's like moving to a new country.

There's different laws, there's different, there's different unspoken rules.

It's just different things and you'll figure it out.

And it is, I'm telling you, I live across the hall from my in laws.

There is so much blessing and, and just wonderful, wonderful relationships available to you on the other side of whatever it is that you need to grow and learn and maybe them too to get there.

12:14

It's a process and it's very much worth it.

OK, have an amazing rest of your week and I will be back here next week with something for you.

We'll see.

By the way, we're adding something to the website, but you can send it to me in the meantime.

This is it.

This is live.

So if you're listening to this in a long time, ignore this where you can send in podcast requests.

12:32

I sometimes get them from you, but when I talk to you, when I actually meet people, they listen to the podcast.

So I was like, I wish you would talk.

OK, so I'm putting it onto the website so you can actually go to the website, submit your official request.

I can't promise I'm going to talk about everything that people send in, but it's always so awful to hear from you, even if it's something we've talked about before and you're like, could you just just remind me please, why, Why it's important to be married?

12:53

If that's what you need, send it in and we will do an episode on that versus Chef.

If it, you know, if it works, then I've got what to say.

OK, Have a great week.

Be well.

Bye.