Ep 168 - The Queens Code Audio Book - Alison Armstrong
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This week I welcome back one of my favorite marriage thought-leaders, the lovely Alison Armstrong. Alison has recently released the audiobook version of her book, The Queens Code and we talked about her work, the effect it had on my marriage, and the benefits of hearing it in audiobook format.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER IN THIS EPISODE:
Alison's experience in the creation of this book and audiobook
Why she chose to make it fiction vs. non-fiction
How we can feel like a Queen (even if we have big families and/or tight budgets!)
The power of our "overflow" and "count-on-ability" and how to use these to support our marriages
FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE:
You can learn more and purchase The Queen's Code Audiobook here.
If you're ready to take this work further, visit https://kaylalevin.com/coaching and join the program to get live coaching and work directly with me on mastering your brain and improving your life.
<00:00:02> Kayla Levin: hello my friends. I have Alison Armstrong back for the third time on the podcast. So if it's not obvious that I love for material, it should be Now , you're not paying attention.
It's not obvious anymore. Alison Armstrong is a. A teacher, an educator who has studied and researched men and women for many years and has a very compelling way of teaching paradigms to help you understand each other better. I discovered Alison when I was six years married, and I found her work to give me a lot of really helpful paradigm shifts in terms of understanding my husband and his motivations, and what were the common stumbling blocks we were coming up against.
She's written a few books. The Queens Code, which is the one we're talking about today, is a romantic novel that conveys the wisdom about men and women that Alison is best known for in a compelling story format, and she recently turned it into an audio book with herself as a narrator. So I hope you really enjoy this episode today.
I do wanna give you a heads up that as with <00:01:00> any work that I do, I'm leaving it in your hands to decide if hashgafically it's the right fit for you. I would say that Alison Armstrong's concepts are 100% to compatible. However, because it's in a story format, it's not always Bais Yaakov friendly.
Let's just put it that way. Okay? So just giving everyone a heads up in case you wanna check it out, look into it more, even send me a message if you're not sure if it's appropriate for you and your personal sensitivities, I'm very happy to help you make a decision about it. But you don't need my help.
You can for sure figure it out for yourself. Enjoy the interview. She shares a lot of really helpful concepts and tips that we've got some good takeaways for you this week, so I really, I know you're gonna enjoy it.
Alison Armstrong, and it's such a pleasure to have you. This is the third time you have been on my podcast, so I feel super gifted for that. So thank you so much for coming.
<00:01:48> Alison Armstrong: You're welcome and thanks for being how you are that I would want to come on. It's Personal
<00:01:55> Kayla Levin: I appreciate that. Thank you, we're taking today about the Queens code <00:02:00> just to, to share a little bit for me is that I just went and looked at my Amazon orders. I ordered it in 2015, which means when I read it, I was about six years married, which. I have to say it was just enough time to have developed some of the problems that are addressed, and I feel so blessed to have gotten that material so early in my marriage because I've spent, now, we're married 13 years and I feel that I have been able to delight in my husband in a way that I would not have had without you in my life.
<00:02:31> Alison Armstrong: Wow. That's wonderful. Thank you,
<00:02:35> Kayla Levin: It's a very special work to me. So it came out five years earlier and I just put together some of the questions that I, came up with listening to it again and rediscovering it. It's the kind of book that I keep on my shelf, but every time someone's over I'm like, , nudge, nudge
Maybe you wanna read this. All my clients end up reading it usually.
<00:02:53> Alison Armstrong: Yeah, but, and was it different to listen to.
<00:02:56> Kayla Levin: It was. Yes, for sure. And I think the <00:03:00> main thing for me was that I felt that you were in the room with me. It was almost like I said to my husband, I was like, it was like I had Alison there saying I'm gonna tell you the story that's gonna help you.
Your love for the people that are listening, I felt like came through. Maybe I'm imagining it, but I suspect not.
<00:03:19> Alison Armstrong: You didn't imagine. Yeah. Yeah. It's true.
<00:03:21> Kayla Levin: And so it really felt like almost supportive. You have a distinctive voice also, at least to me. So you know, like you're very there at the same time I'm able to get lost in the story.
So it was like they're both things at the same time happening. Does that make any sense?
<00:03:36> Alison Armstrong: It does to me cuz it happened to me. . I, like I say in, in the beginning of the book, I didn't write that book. I watched the movie and I typed as fast as. And it still affects me, the way it affects other people.
I, there's so many parts I don't remem, I don't know, I don't remember them. I'm reading them and going, That's in here. That's in here. . . And so yeah, I, I get it. It's. <00:04:00> It's its own thing. It's magical, right? And I feel really privileged that I had to be the one that watched the movie and typed as fast as I could.
And then when I got to read it for the audiobook starting a year ago, there's, you could, there's times you can hear it in my voice. I would have to stop recording. And the sound engineer would wait for me while I saw. Just it so affected me.
<00:04:24> Kayla Levin: As I was listening to it, I said to my husband, I don't think there's certain, a certain part where there's like a big conflict between one of the characters and her husband.
And I said, I don't think I'm gonna be able to listen to it. I don't think I'm gonna be able to listen to it. , I did manage to. I think one of the things about hearing it as an audio book, at least for me, is that when I'm reading, I'm in a slightly different mode. So in terms of the material, it forced me to slow down.
I think in a way and pick up a little bit more nuances. It's, I think that there's some main skills that you're, the characters are explicitly learning, but of course there's so much sprinkled in between those <00:05:00> skills. Little things dropped, as we go. And I felt like I was able to catch those a little bit better than when I read it.
Yeah. And also I think what's really very. Relevant to my audience is that sometimes, it's just easier to listen than to read. If you're a, the type of person who listens to a podcast, right? Then, if you wanna get the content, and if it's not realistic, every time you lay down in bed to read your book, you're asleep before you get through the first page.
So practically speaking, it's also a help.
<00:05:29> Alison Armstrong: Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Practically and. If I may I was interviewed a few weeks ago at, by a woman in Cape Town, South Africa. And the things she said to me like I don't know if I'll ever get over it that she, cuz she had read the book several years ago, right in print.
And she realized that the difference between her reading it to herself and hearing me read it is that <00:06:00> the men's parts right, there are four men in The Queens Code that she never read what they were saying with anywhere close to the emotion and sincerity and even intentionality that they have. and she realized it was because her prejudice against men, she never thought they could be that way, So she never read it that way.
Yeah, that's and huge. And the four men in The Queens code, they're not extraordinary men. They're not like one in a million men. They are men. And they're just men being men and expressing themselves the way they will when they sense that expressing themselves will do good. . And that the person they're expressing themselves to doesn't mean them harmed.
So it's safe to <00:07:00> express and the risk will cause good to happen. And that's so much a part of who men are.
<00:07:05> Kayla Levin: Explain that more. I don't think, I'm not sure I'm completely understanding.
<00:07:08> Alison Armstrong: So if you think of men as warriors and hunters , right? So protectors and providers and protecting, Trump's providing, it's a hierarchy.
Okay. Procreate Trump's Protect. This is why we have to teach safe sex. , , every species risks its life to procreate. , every species on the planet, Laura and Fauna, and then protect Trump's provide. So we mostly want men to provide for us. If they perceive a threat to us, then them protecting us from that threat.
Honey, I know you want a new <00:08:00> couch, but we don't have enough money, our savings account to get through a bad time if it lasts too long. Yep. So I'm gonna say no to the couch.
<00:08:10> Kayla Levin: Got it.
<00:08:10> Alison Armstrong: So he, so he, Veto providing in order to protect us will then if he senses a threat to himself, then protecting himself.
Trump's providing for himself. Trump's providing for somebody else. , protecting himself will carry the day. What's natural for men, Their default relationship to communication is concealment. So they conceal anything that they think could be used against them, which means they're gonna conceal what's important to them, cuz that could be used against them.
They're gonna conceal their attachments to people cuz they could be used against them. They're gonna conceal their emotions cuz those could be used against them. <00:09:00> And their feelings, which I distinguish between the two, they will they'll conceal just information. They'll conceal their plans.
Anything that someone could foil or use to defeat them, their natural thing to do is to conceal it unless they think the person can't hurt them. This is how I've learned so much sitting next to men on airplanes. I didn't know their name. I didn't know where they lived. , they told me things that they're like, My wife doesn't even know this.
. But they knew I could not hurt them. And then men who've allowed me to learn through them now for over 30 years, I've proven I won't hurt them. I always ask, can I quote you anonymously if necessary, And they'll say, Yes, anonymously is good, or Go ahead and use my name. I'll stand by that 24 7.
But I'm always protecting them and they know that I don't throw anything back in their face. . And it's the <00:10:00> same thing in a intimate relationship. A man will, tell us what's going on with him. Tell us what he's feeling. Tell us when he's afraid or angry if we don't use it against them. But most, in most marriages, there's a history , and they'll remember the first time she spit something back at him, and that's it.
They shut down. They're gonna protect themselves first, and so they won't reveal anymore. So this is why. , all four characters in The Queens code. That as the women are learning how to not interrupt. So they can get their thoughts out, listen, and then they're listening to learn.
They're listening for what's important to a man, even when he is not stating it clearly. Cause it's like a treasure hunt.
<00:10:50> Kayla Levin: Mm-hmm.
Treasure height, ,
<00:10:51> Alison Armstrong: It can't help but leak out. It leaks out, especially in their opinions.
<00:10:54> Kayla Levin: Mm-hmm.
<00:10:55> Alison Armstrong: What's important to them.
<00:10:55> Kayla Levin: Mm-hmm.
<00:10:56> Alison Armstrong: Gets. and they even know it.
They'll even not <00:11:00> tell someone their opinion about something. Because they know that's a kind of vulnerability. . It's very interesting. And so as the women are learning how to be a space where there isn't a right answer, there's true curiosity, which comes from the Greek to care, and they're not gonna jump on something and throw it back in their face.
and except for the time that Kimberly did and cleaned it up, right? So just the fact that she cleaned it up Whoa, that us cleaning things up earns trust us, holding ourselves to account for a higher standard, earns trust, right? And so as they're being trustworthy, all the men are expressing more and more.
Like even Bert, what, how long he'll stay at the table. To contribute to the conversation. Yes. And in this way, they're just, they're not like extraordinarily expressive men. They're just not. They're how <00:12:00> expressive men are when. , it's safe to express themselves. And then on the other side of it, when they see that it did good, it made a difference and it was appreciated.
<00:12:13> Kayla Levin: Mm-hmm. ,,
<00:12:13> Alison Armstrong: which is the feedback that they're getting right. In all those different contexts right inside of a marriage, in a family relationship. Kimberly and her grandfather the work environment, Kimberly and her boss. All of those places, and that's what's one of the things I just, I love about men.
They're, there's something about how they think and how they're put together and their definition of honor and where their actions come from. And sometimes, they'll say you. I know you had a good reason for that. No, I was just an ass . , they'll hold themselves accountable, but mostly there's this congruency, right?
That they keep being the same in all these different environments, <00:13:00> and it's one of the things that they look for in a woman. What is what you get is one of their highest compliments for about a woman.
<00:13:08> Kayla Levin: Interesting
<00:13:08> Alison Armstrong: that we keep being congruent with what we say and what we do in our own.
You know, if we say we're tired and we treat ourselves like we're tired and go take a nap.
Now when she says she's tired, that's believable. If she says she's tired and then stays up for two more hours, then tired means nothing clearly.
<00:13:27> Kayla Levin: Mm-hmm. , ,
<00:13:28> Alison Armstrong: So they started ignoring, I'm tired.
<00:13:31> Kayla Levin: If women are so adaptive, that's not natural for us. Between diffuse awareness. Yeah, absolutely. And just our general adaptation to everything.
Yes, that's a skill for us to work on, but I think it's worthwhile, meaning we benefit so much from that as well.
<00:13:47> Alison Armstrong: Yeah. It's not natural for us. Not at all. You're absolutely right and so yeah, we, It's a discipline. , it's a discipline to say what we mean and mean what we. To create <00:14:00> congruency, even in the midst of with diffuse awareness we live in a state of distraction.
Be being congruent when you're being whipped around, do this, Oh no, do me, no, me first. When our awareness is bringing that to us to set out to do something and actually do it right. I remember Greg, when he learned. How hard it is to open the refrigerator when I'm hungry and end up eating.
He, when he found out what happens instead that the refrigerator ends up being clean. , He's, yeah, he, I found out that he like played a game within himself that I would say I'm hungry and he'd look at the clock and see how long it took me to eat and he thought it was funny. , he didn't know I needed help.
<00:14:48> Kayla Levin: Uhhuh .
<00:14:49> Alison Armstrong: He didn't know what was happening in my mind. . And then when he learned that I needed help , everything is yelling at me to do it, <00:15:00> it oh. And then that's when he took on, and this was a long time, we'd been married for probably 20 years when he said, Could I make you breakfast?
which I did a girl thing. I thought, could he make me breakfast? Could he make it right,
<00:15:21> Kayla Levin: Uhhuh,
<00:15:22> Alison Armstrong: No, there's no way he is gonna make it. And so I said, No, I don't think so. He's Could I get the things outta the refrigerator? Then I thinking, Okay, how could, Yeah, he's so clever. I think how can you blow that?
Okay, so I need eggs, spinach and vegetable breath from the refrigerator. Can I get you the pan? I need this pan . So that's how he pray. Cause like first he got the pan, then he got the eggs, the spinach, and the broth. Okay, everything's ready for you. And then he started watching. He, I could could I get certified in this to do it right.
Could I maybe, <00:16:00> And okay, if he got it wrong, what's the worst that could happen? It just wouldn't taste that good. Okay. Okay. This is,
<00:16:10> Kayla Levin: That's amazing.
<00:16:11> Alison Armstrong: Yeah. And men don't know when they say, What can I do with it? We're thinking, What can you. My way, .
<00:16:18> Kayla Levin: Exactly. I literally tell the women, I'm like, You have to visualize yourself taking the reins and handing them to him and letting go. Like you want him to clean the kitchen. He gets to decide what that looks like.
Just let it go. Like you have to step that, but thank you. I wouldn't have that concept if I hadn't first got there from you. This reminds me a little bit as you're playing out this story that one of the things I really appreciate about going back through The Queens Code again was how you take us through the full transformation because it's a novel format as opposed to just Hey, here's some good ideas on how to relate to men.
We get to start with what the situation is <00:17:00> now. . And it really is one of those things that once you see it, you can't forget it. I had to, I have to remember. Yes. I don't spend a lot of time with people who talk like that to men, but for sure. And of course, like I'm sure I slip up still all the time, but, so in the beginning, the characters before they understand about us, not emasculating men and what it that actually looks like and what it does to men.
They're going and they're having their exploration, and as we're watching it, we are getting on board. We're becoming prepared for the material that they're gonna be learning. So I really appreciated that. Was there, were there any. I'm assuming that might have been a consideration, but in terms of your decision to initially make this into a novel as opposed to a nonfiction book.
<00:17:44> Alison Armstrong: Yes, and thanks for asking. I began a transformation when I was 19 years old. That's when I did my first transformational program. Completely hooked. In life ever since. And I noticed in those seminar settings <00:18:00> that the person being interacted with was the last one to get it, and often they didn't even get it.
Yeah. So the hot seat is the hardest place to learn because it. It seems like a threat and we've gotta defend ourselves. And we can't learn when we're defending ourselves. So I notice, I don't like self-help books when they're saying
You, you, you,
you and .
Right.
Cause I wanna, I have the reaction of defending myself.
So I knew that. And then I was trying to teach my. Sister-in-law, something about her husband, about the stages of development, like we teach in Keys of the Kingdom, and I was trying to teach it and she had no interest and I knew her marriage was in trouble because she didn't know her husband had become a king.
And I was trying to help. Mm, No, wouldn't listen at all. I switched to telling a story. Just, I just tried. I started telling her this story. It's called The Princess and the <00:19:00> Swamp Rat. And all of a sudden she's paying attention and the story didn't have anything to do with her cuz it was a story about dating.
And she'd been married for decades, right? So she wasn't, couldn't be about her, but all of a sudden, like now she's paying attention. So that's when I knew it had to be fiction and it also, it's so hard for us as women to even get to the edge of what do I have to do with this? That isn't what's wrong with me, that this is happening.
Women
like,
what's wrong with me? That he doesn't love me enough to not do that. , like that's where we flip to, or that he doesn't respect me enough. He doesn't care about me enough. Like they talk about in the Queens code in, that's very different. What's wrong with me then? What's my part?
What's my part? Without self recrimination. Without putting ourselves down. Just come what's my part? So that neutrality, that curiosity <00:20:00> instead of the condemnation. we pretty much listen. A man taught me early on, Men listen, accused . I think as women we listen condemned. We are just accused, we're condemned and To be able to see other women, not us struggling with all these different justifications for taking power away from men.
They all have different reasons for doing it, different reasons. It seems like the right thing, like Karen has this standard and isn't what's wrong with having a high standard. And Kimberly has all this fear. And Melissa has all this anger, , and resentment, right? . So they have different reasons for doing it and getting to see through their eyes and how they're coming to terms with it.
We get to do where the shoe fits, wear it
<00:20:50> Kayla Levin: mm-hmm. ,,
<00:20:51> Alison Armstrong: right? Nobody's pointing a finger at us. Yep. We. Yeah. <00:21:00> And we don't have, there's nothing to be on guard for, right? We list listening to this story that you know has its own gravity to it, right? , it's so easy to get caught up in, and I don't know if you know this Kayla you do, I didn't actually write.
<00:21:18> Kayla Levin: I've, Yeah, I've read what you've written about your experience writing it. Yeah.
<00:21:22> Alison Armstrong: I watched a movie and typed as fast as I could. And so like things like, Tell me about the character development . How do develop them? They are right. They showed me themselves over a period of about six weeks in their lives, and I got to get to know them just.
As when people are listening to the audio book, you get to know them and they, and they're un unfolding, before the women in front of them and the women are getting to see themselves and love themselves more and forgive themselves and hold themselves to, I, I'm better than.
Instead of some ashamed line, <00:22:00> Yo, you should be better than that. No, I am better than this and I wanna be better than this for me.
<00:22:05> Kayla Levin: So those questions don't work, . It's pretty funny. This happens. You were a vessel. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I do have one question about the characters though, but not necessarily your decision since it might not have been a decision, but what would you say?
I guess because. There's, I love that you have a single woman and a married woman, so we can see how this, And also one of them is a teacher and one of them works with men. So you're able to see all the different, situations. However, the one with the kids is the one who is struggling the most, and.
And I don't know that I connected to her objections, but I connected to her life situation. The other two women seemed to have a lot of freedom. They had a lot of financial freedom and time freedom. So when they get into Oh, I need to go for a horseback ride or spend time on the beach, I'm like, I got five kids and a nursing baby, like what's happening here?
And I can imagine that other people would think that too, but I'm sure I'm not the first person to ask you like, what would you say to women how we can use <00:23:00> the wisdom from the book when there might be financial constraints or time constraints and we're trying to show up as the queen?
<00:23:09> Alison Armstrong: That's a great question.
It's funny, I've never thought of the four women that way. The way you just articulated it. I just never did. So cool. Observation
So what you can hear in different ways. But from Bert and from Jack and from Mike not so much from Raul is how much they are nurtured and benefit and enlivened by being paid attention to by women. And especially in such a positive, open way, like to be seen means so much to them and.
As women, my assertion is that's, we are naturally life bringers. Life force bringers it. <00:24:00> It flows through us, whether it's biological children or a smile, our life force flows through us and we have a saying where your consciousness goes, your life force flows, and that's why it's diminishing to a man to be ignore.
Like when, and they don't know that we'll not make eye contact because we're afraid they'll make it mean something. Like we will make eye contact with this stranger cuz we're afraid they'll take it as an invitation. To, to ask us for something. And they don't know that we have this crazy stuff that if you're attracted to me, that means I'm obligated
No, they're just attracted you . Thank you. And no, I'm not engaging in that way. So that whole boundary receiving thing gets really messed up. So we'll ignore a man not knowing that to him, it's Oh, I'm <00:25:00> worthless. I'm not even worth noticing. I'm not even worth eye contact. I'm not even worth a high or a smile.
And it makes him angry like she thinks she's too good to even notice me. We don't know. This is all going on. So there's a dynamic that creates a lot of stuff. And so if you go on the other side, if we're going to be these life givers, these life bringers, The best way for us to be doing that is in a state of overflow.
, where we're not working to give energy. Our energy is overflowing. Be because we filled ourselves up. And whether we fill ourselves up like Karen could with a horseback ride, do, spend a couple hundred dollars to go. You know?
<00:25:48> Kayla Levin: I mean, I'm not saying no, I'm just .
<00:25:51> Alison Armstrong: Yeah, no, Karen could do that.
Yeah. And and Kimberly, do you know career woman, Kimberly? . She loves to drive her BMW and she loves to run on the beach and she <00:26:00> gets to live close enough to the beach to do that. But it's honestly anything that feeds us, I have a really modest lifestyle. I just do.
But if if you looked around , what feeds me is life. , right? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. There are 14 plants I can see from where I'm sitting. . About six of them are orchids. Two of them in full bloom. One re blooming. Do you know like sentimental? Things, cuttings that were given to me by a man who knew he was dying.
He gave me cuttings of his plants. And so there's Pete, right? And but it just to sit and be with them fills me up. I happen to have a horse and a donkey . I can't write either one of them. They're not rideable, but just to touch <00:27:00> them, just ,
right. Um,
but I pick up my own manure, right?
I don't
Either shoveling it or tractoring it, right? , I build my own electric fence. I, so I think all of us we just need to search for the things that are, I would call them high octane or radioactive. , do you know? , that a little bit has a huge impact in re renewing us.
<00:27:29> Kayla Levin: You're right. I think one of the biggest things that fed me over the last month or so was just taking a walk with a friend didn't cost a penny. Yes. At night after everyone was asleep and it wasn't hot outside and we just were outside and I got to talk and we walked a little longer than we said we were going to.
That was our rebellion. . Yeah. Yeah. So it doesn't have to take all of that extra,
<00:27:51> Alison Armstrong: It doesn't, Yeah.
<00:27:53> Kayla Levin: Hundred percent.
It, it
<00:27:54> Alison Armstrong: doesn't and. Talking. There's so many studies on how talking affects <00:28:00> women and the serotonin that's released after half an hour, just getting to outflow. Yeah. And nobody has to remember what we said.
<00:28:09> Kayla Levin: That's the best. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I have another one for you, so. okay. Thanks. You're so confident in being able to say a statement like All men are providers. And we know you've done your homework. Of course.
<00:28:25> Alison Armstrong: Yep.
<00:28:27> Kayla Levin: Can we own that confidently? We have to leave room for exceptions. Like how does this work in terms of, I find that sometimes when I'm working with women, they wanna immediately switch the paradigm.
It's more I'm like that and he's like that. And usually I'll say that's fine. But we can also just experiment. Like just try both. Try 'em on. Let's see. And it's not necessarily the same paradigms, but any paradigm like this. And any time that there's general, I'm not sure exactly how to articulate the question, but yeah, I guess that is, is like how confident can we be with saying, okay, we've learned from this book men are providers or men, like you said earlier, they put, protection over, <00:29:00> over providing, or they relate to sex differently than women do.
Right? Any of these. How do we own it? Do we leave room for exception? Like how, where's your stance on that?
<00:29:10> Alison Armstrong: The job or mandate I was fulfilling in writing the Queens code was to transform the way women relate to men. That was the first mandate and as. It took 15 years to be able to write it. There's so much I needed to learn first and I didn't know I was gonna get to watch a movie
Maybe I didn't have to learn any of it. I don't know. We'll never know. And now I'm pregnant with the sequel to the Queen's Code. And Keys, The Kingdom is the prequel that I wrote cuz I couldn't write the book. . And and so as I've been. I started out studying men cuz that's where I was having problems.
And then men always wanted talk to me about women and they said things about women that <00:30:00> I was like, I don't know any women like that. And it took a while for me to figure out, they were describing femininity. And I was like 98% in a hunting masculine kick butt produced results, be in charge mode and had been for a long time.
At that point I was 30 years old and discovering these, this other kinds of ways of being in forms of power and ways to influence instead of control, that you could end up with even bigger results. And like I was learning that, but still wasn't trying to learn anything about women. I was just learning about men.
Learning about men. And then I saw that our graduates, which at the time were all women. That the men in their lives were bringing out the worst in them. Just like I had found out that I was bringing out the worst in men. Men were bringing out their worst in these <00:31:00> women who were trying so hard to no longer emasculate.
And so that had me start thinking, okay, what do men need to know about women? And so all the stuff. Basically been unconsciously absorbing. I, now this contrast showed up and I could articulate it and I don't really know how to describe it. I like, sometimes I think of it as my mind is a starry sky in every little bit of information or observation is another point of light in the sky.
And. When someone gives me a particular question or there's a result somebody wants, or I see a problem, I look 'em into the sky and all of a sudden a constellation appears. Oh my God, that's connected that, to that. I, no, and every time I think, How come I didn't see that before? Every day.
<00:31:56> Kayla Levin: . , Mm-hmm. ,
<00:31:56> Alison Armstrong: you know, I'm, I'm wrong that I didn't see it before. I'm human. <00:32:00> So what happened is there's all the stuff I was discovering about men and then reflecting and seeing all these things about women. And then as I started teaching more and more the contrast between minor men and women, I saw something before it, that before male and female, before testosterone and estrogen.
Which then as we get older, levels change and so men get more like women and women get more like men, right? In our brains. , I saw that before. That distinction. There are human instincts. , there are human instincts and so procreate, trumping, protect and protect. Trumping provide. That's true.
Across the planet and it's women are the same. Re this is a way that men and women are the same in young people. You can see <00:33:00> creativity in a young person. You can see how creating something and then wanting to protect it. He knocked down my sandcastle. . And then why are you hitting him? He knocked down my sand castle.
Okay. This is a four year old enacting, right? Or mommy, Mommy, come see my sandcastle. He created it, right? He's watching out. Can I leave for a moment to go get my mom? No one's gonna destroy, wants the of the sandcastle to his mom. Look what I for you, right? Girls will do the same thing. Come home from school with a hand print in the clay, Happy Mother's Day, mom.
So we, we all do it. Women are providers as well. It's just what are we providing and what as providers. <00:34:00> What has us be compelled to provide? Like men are more likely to be compelled to provide something that solves a problem for us. They give us advice to solve a problem. Yeah. And we can be that way too, right?
If a woman spends a lot of time in the concrete result arena, she'll do that and. But when we're not like that, our tendency is more gonna be to wanna provide an experience. Yeah. To provide a feeling. How can I make honey? How can I make you feel better? What can I do? So you feel better. That's a provider, but it has a very different expression, can you see it?
<00:34:47> Kayla Levin: A hundred percent.
<00:34:48> Alison Armstrong: Yeah. And and there's also this difference. Because providing is part of our instincts. We'll, even I call it <00:35:00> decide and provide. We'll decide what somebody needs and we'll force it on them. , there's force in it. There's control in it. Here, you have to take this advice so we don't have this problem.
Again, . Versus, or here, eat your chicken soup . You'll feel better. You'll feel better. And I need you to feel better. Damn it. Yeah. Versus, is there anything you need from me? Is there any way I can help? A force versus offer versus a space. You wanna come into my kitchen and I'll give you, make you some tea.
That's, it's a space we're inviting into. . And I think for each of us, whether, biologically we're male or female, or whatever's going on in our brain, we have higher levels of testosterone or estrogen just to name a couple. It's for each of us, and this is why I'm so passionate about honor yourself first, or always lost for each of us to decide what would be a privilege to provide.
What could I <00:36:00> provide without sacrificing my own wellbeing? Because it, my own wellbeing is a contribution to everyone. If I put my own wellbeing first, then I am not a pothole in the road of life for someone else to trip. Or to give someone a flat type. Cause when we're upset, when we're off balance, when we lack vitality, we're now a negative in the ledger.
So we have to get ourselves to a place of I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. That's actually a high state. We think we're supposed to be great and wonderful all the time. Fine would be a miracle if everyone on the planet were really fine . I'm not in need of anything in the moment, right?
Nope, I'm fine. I'm at a good neutral for me. And then to take it just a step further to the how can I overflow and what do I wanna overflow as. , right? Cause we can overflow as different qualities and they all have a different impact. So yes, I can state <00:37:00> unequivocally, men are providers. I would say the same thing.
Women are providers, human beings are providers. . And there's, we all are happy when the people around us are in a providing state of either offering. So a space or being accountable. . Like I got. I'll take, I'll like, like Dan said, at the end of our road trip, he was filling up the gas, hit the gas again, and it had started at the beginning with, Oh, I hate the stinky part.
Would you do it? He's It's stinky to me too. , would you please do it Anyway, at the end of the trip, I'd had enough consistency in how much I appreciated it that he just said, This is, I got it. This is just my. . So he became accountable, count, honorable for pumping the guests. So it went from a way that I asked him to help me to something.
He said, I got this. This is my <00:38:00> job. And that is a beautiful gift count on ability is a beautiful gift. Yeah. As long as, again, it's not forced. That someone's being accountable for something that it would. A gift to us for them to be accountable instead of why are you trying to take what's mine,
It's very complicated.
<00:38:20> Kayla Levin: I think that's such a great, That's a wonderful thing to percolate though for this audience is like, what do we wanna be overflowing with? The imagery I always give is like the mom, the, Cause a lot of, again, a lot of my women have a lot of kids is Yes. Can you see the happy charging station?
This is how I imagine myself, I'm on the couch, like nothing's really happening and they just like gravitate over, recharge.
Mm-hmm. Run off back to their life. That's how I know I'm doing it right. Yes. Yes. But just having that, and that also gives us back, that individuality of each of us is gonna overflow in a slightly different way and what is it that we wanna be providing?
It's very cool. I could go on, like what you just said, fired so many neurons for me. I could go on forever. But I have to ask you one last question before we lose <00:39:00> time.
<00:39:00> Alison Armstrong: Just before you do though, I want you to say those two things are worth going on forever about overflowing and accountability. . Yeah. They're worth the, aye. Yay. And it's even something that you can ask, Honey. What would be a gift to you if I were accountable for it. And can I tell you the things that are a gift to me?
That you're accountable for. And then that leads to, is there something you, if I were accountable for that it would be a gift. And so you interacting at the level of gift instead of supposed to changes everything. . And then even the concept of overflowing, instead of trying to be patient, trying to be patient, trying to be patient.
when you're fresh outta. So just thank you for calling those out because literally someone could spend a couple years just on those two things and life would be amazing. .
<00:39:58> Kayla Levin: Okay. With more <00:40:00> takeaways.
<00:40:00> Alison Armstrong: What did you, ok. What did you wanna ask?
<00:40:02> Kayla Levin: Ok. So as, So what's come up a little bit recently is there's a lot of middle Prince in my community. I think my husband personally, I think is. Racing to try and be your first king, like youngest king, crown . He's just like racing through the stages. I dunno if you've had a 36 year old, if that would be your right. I think you said late thirties for someone. 34. Oh, he's already missed. Was 34, but he was, I knew him in high school and he was so earnest even in high school.
, just, Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so I just have to ask if you have plans for Keys to the Kingdom to also become an audiobook keys, The Kingdom is audiobook. No, it's not. Yes, it's is that great? I know what I'm doing. Yeah. Keys to the Kingdom. The audiobook is now available on the Alison Armstrong mobile app.<00:41:00>
Okay, great. And it's been on Audible, I think since 2012. It's consistently the top 10% of amazing audiobooks that are sold there. Yeah. Ke and it's why people waited so long for to be on audio, and yeah, it's there. Wonderful. Okay, so we've got my voice was higher then when I recorded it, but I won't let anybody else record these because no one else watched the movie.
Those were both movies that came through. Amazing. All right we hopefully will have lots of people who get an opportunity to listen to now, both and any, anything else you wanna share about that? I know that there's more to just the audiobook. There's the app you just mentioned.
Anything you wanna specifically direct people to?
<00:41:49> Alison Armstrong: Yeah, the Queens Code is only on our app. You can't get it on Audible, and there are a whole bunch more things that are gonna show up on the app. And I'm also doing something called your <00:42:00> Queens Code Journey, which I plan to keep doing because the book is so intense and you're learning in 10 hours the distillation of what I learned in 20 years.
Mind boggling in some ways. So I am I answer questions of people chapter by chapter as they're listening to the book. So I just finished one whole batch to that. And the best of that is being edited into the next your Queens code journey. So people participating in the second one, I thought J two, the people proceeding in the second journey.
Get the best of the first journey. , and I'm, and that'll just keep happening as a way to help people understand and absorb and implement. And one of the things that we do in the journey is you get to customize the vow for yourself. You get to create your own code of <00:43:00> honor not only the way that Claudia states it in the Queens Code.
Very cool. All right. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for coming on and sharing this with us. Oh, thank you. And Kayla, thank you so much for how many people you help and pass it along. My, my goal's never been to be a best selling author. It's been to be best read or even best pirated
And so for you to learn and turn around and teach and provide in your own words, which cha it's charming the way that you put things. I thank you. I love it. I really love it. Thank you so much for doing it.
Thank you so much. It's always such a pleasure. Bye. Great to see you. Bye Kayla. Okay, bye-bye.
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<00:44:02> Kayla Levin: