Episode 171 - But I Want to be Angry!

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Ever been in that place where you KNOW you could drop the issue and move on but you just don't WANT to?

That's what this episode is all about.

The best news is: you get to stay angry if you want. Really, I mean it.

But I want you to decide with so much awareness.

This week I'll walk you through a coaching exercise to decide whether to keep or let go of your anger towards your husband (or really anyone else). Save it and repeat as many times for as many situations as you need.

WHAT YOU'LL DISCOVER IN THIS EPISODE:

• What Are The Advantages of Hanging Onto Anger?

• Maybe We Won't Get What We Need

• Feeling Justified

• The Alternative is to Feel Devastated or Hurt

• What are the Disadvantages of Keeping My Story?

• The Repair is More Important than the Fight

• What are You Protecting With the Story?

• Grounding and Regulating Yourself

• My Offer To You
  

FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE:

• If you're ready to take this work further, visit https://kaylalevin.com/coaching and join the program to get live coaching and work directly with me on mastering your brain and improving your life.

Ep171 - But I Want to Be Angry

<00:00:00> Kayla Levin: Episode 171, But I Want to Be Angry

<00:00:06> Kayla Levin: Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. I'm certified coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

hi friends. Sorry I didn't get you an episode last week. It's been a little bit crazy. Baruch Hashem. We are getting ready for a Bas mitzvah and I've had a really wonderful opportunity to meet a lot of you ladies in person. Lately, I've been sort of doing this little coffee and coaching and Kayla combo, where I've been visiting some <00:01:00> podcast listeners and clients and meeting their friends and doing some coaching.

So if you're interested in hosting something like that, let me know. We're booking out a little bit in advance at this point. But it is just so nourishing and wonderful to me to see you guys in person and I just love it. And one day Im Yirtzei Hashem will do a great big US tour, How to Glow Live. You know, I would love it.

One of you should just make that happen cuz you, I don't have to have to . Um, that's only half joking.

Today's Topic: What if I Just Want to Be Angry?

<00:01:33> Kayla Levin: I wanna talk today about something that's been coming a lot in coaching. It's been requested, very highly requested topic, which is, but what about when I don't wanna stop being angry, like I know that it's just my perspective.

I know it's just my story. I know I could feel better, but I want to be angry. I'm mad at him. . And you, you've all been there, right? Where you just like, you're just hanging onto it. <00:02:00> You just don't wanna move out of it. And someone trying to offer you another perspective almost feels confrontational. So I wanna talk about this today.

And I wanna. offer or suggest to you to try and pull up something that you have some outstanding frustration that has not really been resolved or something that comes up a lot or something that came up recently, even if you kind of did resolve it in this one situation, but when you felt that righteous indignation in the time of like, but my anger is justified, So I wanna keep it.

Don't take it. Okay. So it's ideally, let's talk about your husband. Something that your husband did that was just not fair, not right, not sensitive. Obviously when I say we talking about it, you're just pulling this up in your head. We're not moving this out with the whole world. Pull it up. Think about it.

What's something that was just hard to get over, hard to let go of? Maybe you still haven't let go of it. You just wanted to be angry and I wanna start <00:03:00> with. We're gonna play a little bit. We're gonna sort of have a little exercise. I'm gonna pretend you're right here with me and I'm coaching you. And the most important thing for you to know before we start is at the end of this exercise, you can have your anger back no matter what we do.

If you want it back, it's all yours. No judgment. You can go back to all your righteous indignation, all your frustration, all your resentment. You can have it . Okay? The defensiveness that we get. Like, it's not even defensiveness, it's just being on the defense of protecting our anger, keeps us from being able to explore and to get some awareness.

And so I'm telling you, in all honesty, if we, you go through an awareness exercise and at the end of it you're like, no, the anger was better, just go back to anger. It's fine. Okay. And so now let's play.

What Are The Advantages of Hanging Onto Anger?

<00:03:53> Kayla Levin: So what we wanna do is we wanna just play out and, and this is not a ironic question, this is not a <00:04:00> question that has a correct answer.

I want you to think about what are all the advantages that you have by hanging onto the anger. And again, I'm not trying to get you to say, oh, I guess there's no advantage cause that's not true. If there was no advantage, you wouldn't wanna do it. Okay? So stop for a second. And think, what are the advantages of sticking to my anger?

What's coming up for you? I wish you could tell me right now, . I'll tell you some of the things that come up so often. If it's an issue with, let's say home tasks or helping or something like that, the anger came after a feeling of overwhelm. Or let's say anger, resentment, any of this type of feeling. And we worry that if we get over it, then we won't get what we need.

Maybe We Won't Get What We Need

<00:04:58> Kayla Levin: So maybe we need more help. Maybe we <00:05:00> need more support. Maybe we need more physical touch, whatever the thing is, if we give up on the anger, then maybe we won't get what we need. Okay, so let's just note that. So maybe I won't get what I need. That's one possible advantage that my brain sees in keeping the story.

What else? Why else might I wanna stay angry? So whatever you're coming up with is golden. And if you're not driving right now, write it down. Okay? Because I'm gonna give you some suggestions, but I really want, like, if you can play through this exercise right now, it will be, uh, amazing for you. It will break your brain in the most glorious way.

Feeling Justified

<00:05:39> Kayla Levin: Another possible advantage is that as long as you're angry, you are justified, And whatever the thing is that you might need to feel like you need some justification for . So maybe you behaved in a way that you don't feel totally comfortable with, or maybe this whole thing started was something that maybe you normally do a little better than <00:06:00> that, or there's just some area where you are second guessing yourself.

And as long as you stay in anger, you don't have to go there. You don't need to second guess what you did in the first place. You don't need to second guess what you might have done because it's all about him. It's all about that other person making you angry, right? So there's this protective mechanism to keep me from having to self-reflect as long as I stay angry and we know intuitively that once I drop the anger, I'm gonna have to take a big bite of humble pie.

And I might realize it's not a hundred percent his fault. Okay? I'll offer you another one that comes up. I love anger. I think it's just so fascinating, so I guess that's why we're really grooving on it today.

The Alternative is to Feel Devastated or Hurt

<00:06:46> Kayla Levin: Sometimes we stay angry because the alternative is to feel devastated or hurt. Anger feels so much more safe.

We feel like we're in control. It's a <00:07:00> complete illusion. Read through or hosts a deacon, read through any muer book about what we know about anger. But anger is the fastest ticket to being a walking talking idiot. That's basically what we are When we're angry, we make no sense. We have no logic. We do things that we regret, right?

And of course we wanna justify that. But here's what happens. Anyway, we'll come back to that. But what I wanna say is, Anger, regardless of the fact that that is what's happening. What it feels like in the moment is it feels like we're in control and it feels like we're powerful. And if we've been feeling very out of control, very powerless or very vulnerable.

Anger might seem like the better alternative for a lot of people despite all the work that's been done by Brene Brown, which most of you probably know, but some of you might not. Vulnerability still sounds like a four letter word, . Even if intellectually you know better intellectually, you know that it is the ticket to meaningful <00:08:00> and deep and profound relationships to deep and profound spirituality, to self-love, to all of the things, all the goodies that we want emotionally in our lives.

Vulnerability still sounds like something that we wanna stay very far away from for a lot of people. Maybe we should do another episode on that. . And so if you've been feeling vulnerable because maybe he did something that made you feel really hurt or just in general you've been feeling insecure, especially those of you in your first, let's say three to five years of marriage.

Insecurity is part of the territory. That's why we have Shana Rishona, and that's why Shana Rishona doesn't take one year anymore, takes 10, because being insecure is part of the process. Not being in a marriage that has been invested in yet, right? Like it's, if you think about it like a bank account, how many deposits have you been able to put in over the course of three years?

Not that many when you compare it to your parents, your grandparents, right? So there's just <00:09:00> less to go on to keep you feeling confident. So insecurity is a, is a very normal part of those first several years of marriage. And it, it continues to some degree, just not nearly to the same level for most of us anyway.

So if you're feeling insecure or if you're feeling hurt or even devastated, if you're like me, you're good at thinking thoughts that are really dramatic so you can feel totally devastated. But even not that much has gone wrong. Anger feels a lot better in the moment. Anger is a pretty easy sell, right?

And I want you to think about any other reasons you might have. These are the ones I wanna offer you. But anything else that you have, any other reasons you have that might be worth keeping your story, I want you to validate them. Like no judgment. I don't wanna feel hurt, so I'm gonna feel angry instead.

Good. Let's get all that information. Let's get all that awareness so we can make a decision so we're not doing with judgment. Again, <00:10:00> the correct answer is not, oh, there is no good reason. Anger is bad, we're not going there. I wanna know all your great reason. First for keeping the story. All right? So if you haven't had a chance to write yours down and you wanna do that, pause right here and now I'm gonna continue because now that we have all your great reasons, and I'm gonna remind you again, you can totally keep the story.

I'm not taking it away from you. I won't even know what you do, right? .

What are the Disadvantages of Keeping My Story?

<00:10:30> Kayla Levin: But now we're gonna play the other. Now we wanna entertain. Okay, so I looked at all the advantages of keeping my story. Let's look at some of the disadvantages of keeping my story and don't answer with rote answers. I want you to find things that really resonate with you, because some of us are gonna immediately start parroting off what we heard from our C teacher or from Al and bias class or whatever.

Like, oh, it's not good to hold a grudge, and that's bad for our relationship. But I want you to really think about what means something to. So maybe you don't wanna keep negativity or grudges. That's <00:11:00> something that's so inauthentic to who you are. You're not the kind of person who bears a grudge. So great.

Keep that. That's super authentic for you. Maybe you have a vision for the kind of connection that you want with this person, and you see that anger is getting in the way. Wonderful. Maybe, maybe you just don't like how you are when you're. That's just not how you wanna be showing up for the relationship.

Right. So again, I don't want you, I'm, I'm fine with you taking research. I'm fine with you taking things from your classes, from all the learning that you may have done, even from things that I've said in the past, but I want you to filter it through what means something to me. Okay? What is a good reason for me to drop the story?

What is the disadvantage of keeping the story? It could be that you just have to walk around with this yucky feeling that at some point you guys are gonna have to fix it and just better to get it over <00:12:00> with . Cause like that's gonna be a little uncomfortable and maybe you're gonna have to apologize and you don't really wanna do it.

And so like your best reason might just be like, Ugh, let's just do this. Right.

The Repair is More Important than the Fight

<00:12:14> Kayla Levin: One of the things that I found, you know, from the Gottman's and also from my personal experience, is that the repair is so much more important than the how many, how much we fight. So let me just explain this for a second. What the Gottman's found is that the best, the best, strongest, healthiest relationships, marriages, it's not that they didn't fight with each other, it's that they had a really good way of repairing a fight and coming back together.

So what I found was that when I was really feeling like a lot of ups and downs in my marriage, I got into this groove of like, let's repair as fast as possible because let's just get right back on track. Like I don't care how far down I went, but if I can just get us back to feeling like I'm talking to another human being who is worthy of some respect, even if I have some frustration, but I'm not like super angry and seating in my <00:13:00> resentment and blocking him off and not talking to him and giving him the silent treatment or whatever the thing might be.

Right? But I'm just, I'm back to kind of like a normal even. Even if there's still some frustration. and I found that just getting back there as fast as possible, as consistently as possible, created such a stability for me in my experience of my marriage, that that was addictive. It was amazing. Right? And it didn't make me wanna fight more cuz it wasn't like the repair was like a benefit necessarily.

It didn't like, it wasn't better than if we had never gone there. But instead of catastrophizing that we got into a disagreement or a fight or whatever, I was able to just be like, oh, we got in though We. Okay, cool. That's done now what's next? Right. And just again, getting back to that equilibrium so much faster.

So I was able to spend more time feeling confident and secure and healthy and just in my marriage as opposed to outside, like looking in.

What other advantages can you think of? What are <00:14:00> other good reasons for letting go of the story that I didn't think of, that I didn't offer?

Again, what you're gonna come up with is gonna be so valuable, and I hope I said things that resonate with you, but what you come up with is your brain's just gonna wanna like it a lot better . So try not to be lazy. Even if you need to pause the podcast again now and write a couple things down. Text them voice note to yourself, even voice note to me.

you have me on WhatsApp or on Instagram.

Why else would I wanna get rid of the story knowing that I don't have to. So I'm starting with why do I wanna keep it, even though I might not? Why do I wanna get rid of it even if I don't have to? And then the last thing I want you to ask yourself is, and this is going back to that vulnerability question,

What are You Protecting With the Story?

<00:14:49> Kayla Levin: what are you protecting with the story?

There's something. That would be at stake for you or you wouldn't <00:15:00> clinging to it. Now again, we're not talking today. Just to clarify, we're not talking today about that first response of anger, right? I'm really focusing on that feeling when you get stuck in it, that feeling when you don't wanna let it go.

So if you don't wanna let it go, what are you protecting? It's a little bit different than saying what's the advantage, right? So here you might be protecting your own vulnerability. You might be protecting what you see as your need for his help. You might be protecting a value that you feel like he's betrayed, that maybe if you allow it or you're not angry, then maybe that's not clear for you.

Maybe something else. What are you are protecting here with this story?

And finally, I just wanna offer you that sometimes we are so emotional. And we know that like the higher our emotions, the lower our logic. And especially with anger. And again, all the musser sefarim say this with anger, we just, our <00:16:00> intellect really goes out the window. So what we can do is we can use our body to help us when our brain is not so available.

Grounding and Regulating Yourself

<00:16:08> Kayla Levin: Okay? And that might be as simple as like, one of my favorite ones is go wash some dishes and please make sure you have some dish soap that smells. Because now you will have so many sensory experiences at once. You'll have the sound of the water. You'll have your hands in the warm water. Make sure it's like nice and warm.

You'll have the smell of the dish soap. I don't even care if you're washing a clean dish, right? Go give yourself a sensory grounding experience and don't listen to a podcast. Just be there and wash the dish and experience the sensation of washing a dish literal. I know it sounds crazy to some of you, especially if you're new to me, , right?

But just go and be totally present and just notice whatever you're feeling and smelling and hearing as you do it. And what it's doing is gonna bring you out of this crazy mental overwhelm down back into your body where you can start to feel more <00:17:00> regulated. There are lots of ways to ground and regulate yourself.

People like to take off their shoes and put their feet on the floor. Some people like tapping. If you know, like eft. Some people like to just sit in a solid chair or meditation, do a five minute meditation on Spotify, or some just deep breathing or some, you know, just feel yourself very grounded if you're inside of how to glow.

We actually had a whole month of the staff from from Ilana, Kendall. , um, and she gave some amazing meditations for us for grounding and all of that. So you can actually just download her audios and use that, cuz that's amazing, right? So when we're in that angry place, I don't wanna encourage you to like go, when you're in that, the initial like really overwhelmed, very triggered, feeling angry.

Please, I wanna encourage you not to try and go solve for everything in that moment from a mental. I want you to just go and like get yourself regulated again, but then once you've been regulated, if you catch yourself, not wanting to let it go, <00:18:00> whether it's a couple hours later, a couple days later, a couple weeks later, a couple years later, if you're still holding onto that same story, I wanna make sure you run through this exercise and if it happens again, you know what's so cool about podcasts?

Just come back and listen to this one again. It'll still be here for you, so you can go through it again, and you can go through this with your mother-in-law and your sister, and your boss, or your coworker or the neighbor who keeps doing that thing that's driving you crazy. Just come back, come back and you can do this whole exercise again.

My Offer To You

<00:18:31> Kayla Levin: All right. My wonderful, wonderful friends, I hope that. I've been able to see some shifting, some transition, something new. I would love to give you so many more tools like this and to be able to do this live with you, face to face on a Zoom screen, or, or live if you wanna bring me in for coffee and Caitlin coaching.

But the membership is the place where you can get the absolute most coaching. Every single week we're in there coaching <00:19:00> as a community. Live calls. You can ask your questions, you can submit. It's an amazing place to go to really take this work and implement it in your life in a way that you will not recognize it.

A month from now, a week from now, we'll see how fast you go. Can't wait to see you inside. How to Glow. You just go to kaylalevin.com/coaching. If you're listening to this now, you only have a little bit longer before the price is gonna go up. We're going to our final price. We're still in founder pricing cuz we still are in our first year at the end of December.

Maybe the end, it might even be a little bit earlier cause I'm not exactly sure when our anniversary is. It's going up to $49 a month. But you get grandfathered in if you come in sooner. So if you're listening to this now and you've been on the fence about how to glow, please don't. Don't do the thing where you email me in January and you're like, oh, I missed it.

No, I'm sorry. The answer's gonna be no. You're gonna have to get it at $49. So if you've been on the fence, get in at 39 so you can keep that price $49 an amazing price for it. Also, just by the way, this thing is easily worth a <00:20:00> hundred dollars. Like as a deal. So I'm not even worried about it , but you know, we just want our friends to get a deal.

So I want you to get a deal. All right, enough for today. See you back here, hopefully next week. Lots of love to you all. Bye-bye.

Hey there. If you know a newlywed or you are one, we have a wedding gift for you. Go to k eleven.com/newlywed to get access to my best selling course. First year married, you have got to be in your first six months, so make sure you don't wait. And if you've been married longer than that, but you're looking for some more support or this stuff is just super fun for you.

I'd love to have you join me inside of my membership community, how to Glow. It's for women looking for a fresh take on relationship development. Join us for live coaching calls, signature classes, and anonymous q and a. Let's do it.

<00:20:55> Kayla Levin: