Episode 212 - The SRC Day 4 - A Day In Unconditional

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Shana Rishona Challenge Day 4: A Day in Unconditional

Unconditional love, by definition, is loving someone when they're not meeting your conditions. Loving someone who's doing it all "right" is easy. Unconditional love can ONLY be practiced when he's not doing what you wanted or expected.

Sometimes the answer IS more communication or understanding. And sometimes it's deciding--this is the part where I practice unconditional love.

That's your challenge for today: choose one area where he's a bit outside of your conditions--the part that's not so easy to love. And focus on letting it go and loving him anyway. Just for today.

Resources:

• Class 4 in First Year Married covers Intimacy--both emotional and physical. To go deeper, check it out at kaylalevin.com/newlywed

• Want to be part of the WhatsApp challenge? Join us at bit.ly/4shalom

Transcript

0:00

It's not unconditional love if they're doing everything right.

Unconditional love, in fact, can only be practiced when he's not doing what you wanted or expected.

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

0:17

I'm certified Coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

Shana Rishana challenge day 4A day in unconditional.

0:35

OK, so I'm going to flush this one out a little bit more than I had inside of the WhatsApp challenge, but try and keep it kind of short for today.

I don't know about you, but if you asked me before I got married how to define a good marriage, the phrase unconditional love would have pretty much topped the list.

We love this phrase.

0:51

I love this phrase.

You'll probably love this phrase of unconditional love.

We love the idea, but very often when I'm talking to people, we don't actually use it or even know how to use it.

So we're going to talk about that today.

By definition, by definition, unconditional love is loving someone when they are not meeting your conditions right.

1:13

Loving someone who's doing everything correctly is easy there.

That's, I don't want to say that's conditional love because you're not saying to yourself I'm only loving you because you're following my rules.

But it's not unconditional love if they're doing everything right.

Unconditional love, in fact, can only be practiced when he's not doing what you wanted or expected.

1:35

Now, don't get me wrong.

There is a time and place for communication and increasing knowledge and understanding.

In fact, I think that's primary to the work of Shana Rishona.

That is the the main time in our marriage where we want to be focusing on figuring out how to communicate together, figuring out how the other one ticks, figuring out what's different between us as men and women.

1:58

But at some point you get to a trait or habit and he knows you don't like it.

He knows you wish it was otherwise.

We'll say maybe that's maybe you're saying it nice of a met.

But at some point you get to the trait or the habit and he knows you don't like it.

2:16

He knows you wish it was otherwise.

It's still not changing.

And maybe you're making it mean if he really cared about you, he wouldn't do XY or Z.

But most of the time, if you look at your husband and you can say to yourself, this is a good man, this is a decent, good person.

2:33

What it really means is he doesn't have the same tools as you, so he's not able to change it right now.

So yes, if you had your personality and if you had your upbringing and if you had your strengths and weaknesses, he'd be able to change this thing.

But he's not you, so he's not able to.

But the really powerful thing about this is you have now stumbled into the only chance that you will have to work on the quality of unconditional love in your marriage.

3:00

Meaning if you want unconditional love to be part of what you have in your marriage, the only time you get to work on that is when he's not doing all the things right, which is like kind of crazy.

What do we normally do normally if he's not following the rules, but like, well, I must not have communicated it correctly enough or I must not be motivating him correctly enough.

3:22

I need to focus on my, you know, whatever the way that I'm receiving or I need to learn the skills or I need to do XYZ or I need to just tell him again or I need to tell him a different way.

And again, sometimes that works.

There's also some better ways to do it.

3:37

We'll talk about that later, but I don't want you to miss the opportunity that sometimes you can look at it and you can get objective and you can say, I think this is just him.

Either it's him right now or it really is like really him.

And I could just choose to love it and say I love him unconditionally.

3:59

Now here's the really good news because I can already hear some of you freaking out.

I'm saying I can't just let it go.

It really matters to me.

This is something you can practice 1 moment at a time, no problem.

You could just let it go for.

4:15

You could let it go for an hour.

As I learned from one of my mentors, if it's really a problem, it'll still be a problem tomorrow and then you can deal with it.

If it's not a problem tomorrow, it wasn't really a problem and you didn't have to deal with it today either.

So that's your challenge for today.

Choose an area or just choose a day or a time, a focus.

4:35

So that's your challenge for today.

Today, choose one area where he's a bit outside of your conditions.

The part that's not so easy to love and focus on just letting it go and loving him anyway.

In class four, in the first year Married program class, I cover intimacy, which is both emotional and physical.

4:57

So we go very deep into all the different kinds of love.

If you want to go deeper on that, go to k11.com/newlywed and if you want to join the WhatsApp challenge, it's BIT dot LY forward slash 4 Shalom.

And if you haven't subscribed to the podcast, please subscribe.

5:13

You'll get we have four more days coming up of this challenge and then from there all sorts of interesting things coming your way.

And I would love to have you join us here for the how to go podcast.

So just click subscribe and I'll see you back here tomorrow.

Bye bye.