Episode 228 - Have You Finished Shana Rishona?

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Hi again!

It's been a minute as we navigated Purim, Pesach, and a war... I'm really happy to be back with you today and I have two really interesting--albeit quite different--concepts to share with you on today's episode.

The New Beginnings: Understanding Chochma, Binah, and Daas

Among the many tools I've discovered, the framework of chochma (wisdom), binah (understanding), and daas (integration) offers a powerful lens. These stages, often defined as intellectual, emotional, and integrative, provide clarity in understanding when and why we get stuck in our behavior and emotions.

Navigating Challenges: The Importance of Building a Strong Foundation

During shana rishona, you're not expected to be the "perfect couple" just yet. This phase is about laying the groundwork, making deposits in your emotional bank account. As you invest in this foundational period, you're equipping yourself for life's inevitable challenges.

In this phase, evaluate your emotional reactions during disagreements. Are you questioning the foundation of your relationship? If so, you're still navigating the newlywed phase. This isn't a failure; rather, it's a stage that requires time and patience.

The Power of Community and Support

If your shana rishona isn't going as smoothly as envisioned, know that a redo is possible. Seeking guidance, such as enrolling in a supportive course, can provide the understanding and tools needed to integrate intellectual beliefs into emotional and behavioral actions.

The Value of Knowing Your Stage

People think about developmental stages with our kids, but we have them in our marriages, too. Try to notice--and embrace--where you are in your marriage journey. And if you are still in the shana rishona phase or feel the need to revisit its foundational teachings, give yourself the grace to be a beginner.

If you find yourself needing more support, consider joining a community of like-minded individuals seeking to enhance their relationships meaningfully. With the right foundation and support, you will find the confidence to build your marriage into one that is both solid and enduring. You can join my upcoming First Year Married cohort and get all the details at kaylalevin.com/newlywed

Transcript

Ep. 228 - Have You Finished Shana Rishona?

[00:00:00] some of us wanna already be out there doing all the things you wanna already be the power couple.

[00:00:05] Stop. Your building will be taller and more fancy and more sparkly the more time you invest in making sure that that foundation is solid. my goodness, it's been such a long time. I have to tell you, I'm a little like nervous coming back to the podcast after such a long time. I'm like, do I remember what I'm doing here? We're gonna find out. We'll just see how it goes. Um, as you know, we live in Israel. Life has been beyond.

[00:00:54] Beyond crazy. Um, and I recently, it clicked for me something that I have been using in my coaching for a long time. So I thought I'll just share that with you just in terms of like coaching and this whole war experience. Um, but I, I mean, those of you who don't know anyone living in Israel, it's, it's bonkers over here.

[00:01:16] I'm saying like. If people are stressed, kids are home or they're not home, and then they all went back to school. And then everyone I talked to is like that. We just have like whiplash, like they just went back to school. But like no preparation for it. We're not ready. And so on the one hand, that's what we wanted because we wanted go back to structure On the other hand.

[00:01:37] Uh, you know, just trying to, clearly, Hashem is trying to get us to realize we are so not in control and we can't really plan anything or expect anything, and we're just taking everything day by day. I mean, we made Aliya the year of Corona, so ever since we've lived here it's pretty much been, you know.

[00:02:00] School may or may not happen. Work may or may not happen. Anyway, that's my kind of explanation for the very long, uh, break It's been since I've been over here talking to you all here on the podcast, but I feel like this is like my, my absolute favorite way to connect with you. It's where I definitely hear the most back from you.

[00:02:15] Those of you who've never emailed me back after an episode, kayla@kaylaeleven.com. I love to talk to you, to hear from you, to get to know you. Um, I really like would just rather just be friends with all of you hanging out and having coffee as opposed to sending it out this way. But this is what's working for now.

[00:02:31] So that's what we're doing. Um, anyway. So we're gonna talk today about whether you have finished the stage called Shauna Vona. I'll be totally honest, I might have done an episode on this before. I, I can't remember if it came out here in an email or somewhere else. Um, I don't care. I'm sure it'll be different because if, I don't even remember if I did it.

[00:02:51] I don't remember what I said last time. So it'll be something fresh for you all. And. But first I wanted to just talk about this one, um, coaching concept. So especially those of you who are super into coaching, I think that you're gonna find this really interesting and it's actually something if you are a coach or if you like to sort of help people with coaching, um, that you could very much use.

[00:03:12] So. One of the ways that I learned about the concept of chochma binah and daas chochma being often translated as intellect, bina is often translated as emotional knowing or intuition. And das, I'm gonna use the translation of integration. Um, is that, so they, they kind of go in order, right? And so we have a concept.

[00:03:38] So the concept is, um. You know, let's say I, I believe I have worthiness and value as a human being. Okay? So I might understand that I, I learned that in school that everybody has value and everyone is worthy. But when I go down to the emotional level and I try on that thought, it doesn't, maybe it doesn't land, right?

[00:04:00] So that would mean that the person has chochma level, but they haven't yet gotten down to binah level. Okay? Now, let's say it even goes down to be a level. So she goes, I know that I. Have inherent value, I feel. Towards myself, like a person with value. Those my emotions are integrated. But when I look at my behavior, this is the level of integration.

[00:04:24] I'm not treating myself like a person of value. Okay, so you hear the three different distinctions, right? There's the intellectual knowledge, there's the emotional resonance, like, yeah, that lands. I really feel that. I don't know if you've ever had the experience of, of having, uh, a disconnect between the first two.

[00:04:39] I often have seen that where it's like. I really, I understand it. I learned it in school. I believe my teacher, but when I try that thought on for size, it doesn't go anywhere. Right? It just, it's just not going. I would think about myself as a, as a new married, probably the first, like 10 years of my marriage.

[00:05:00] So like intellectually I understand that I should be capable of running a home. In a functional and easy way. Like easy meaning we know what we're doing. It's not like a constant like crisis or trying to figure things out. Like it's just a routine in systems like this isn't so complicated. I've done harder things intellectually.

[00:05:19] Yes. But if you had said that to me, then I would be like. Emotionally, no, emotionally, everything in me wants to disagree. Now I'm emotionally and, and, and full integration down to dos level with that one, but that's one I've had to learn to integrate. Okay, so, so we can have, we can drop the ball anywhere along the way and.

[00:05:43] I love, love using this in coaching, both in my self coaching. So you can use this for yourself and you can use this for people that you're helping. I use it to my clients all the time, is that sometimes they're trying to integrate or get a new behavior based on a belief. And if I go back, say, well, where's the breakdown?

[00:06:01] Where are you missing a piece? A step? And sometimes we'll go back like there was one client where I went back with her, one of my. Beloved dearest clients. So I'm sending you love as I'm saying this 'cause you're probably gonna listen to this. And she was like, um, I dunno if I do believe that everyone has inherent value.

[00:06:19] Like I, I think I've heard that concept, but I never really heard it in depth and it's not resonating with me. But it wasn't even the resonation, it was the, it was the intellectual level. She didn't have the intellectual foundation of every human being has inherent value. So. We we're not gonna be able to emotionally integrate that belief until she believes it on an intellectual level.

[00:06:44] So if you find yourself struggling somewhere, let's say with your health, right? You're eating tons of junk food and you're not going to sleep on time and you're not exercising, and you keep telling yourself, I should do it. I should do it, I should do, it's say, well, what's the intellectual belief here? So I would say one that I would want to integrate about health would be that I'm capable of taking care of my body.

[00:07:09] I know how to take care of my body, and I value taking care of my body. So first, I would just wanna check, remember ha level. Do I believe that I know how to take care of my body? Do I believe that that's an important value to take care of a body? Do I believe bodies deserve? Caretaking, right? And some people might be like, well, I dunno, maybe not, maybe.

[00:07:35] Yes. Right? So make sure you're there on the intellectual level first, once you've satisfied that level, okay? Yes, I do believe bodies deserve taken care of. My body deserves it. I know how to do it. It's not terribly complicated. I just need to follow a certain set of rules or whatever it is that you've set up for yourself to take care of myself and now emotionally.

[00:07:58] Is that landing? Does it click? I like, yeah, actually, huh? Like, I kind of, I kind of could do that. I think, I think that works for me. Or is there sort of like No, no, no. I, I maybe can't put my finger on why I am disagreeing with this thought, but it's not landing, right. It's not hitting me on that level. So don't try and, and figure out.

[00:08:24] The integration piece don't focus on, well, if I get a new water bottle and I get a personal trainer, and if I, you know, chat GBT, a whole bunch of menu plans, then I'll figure it out. That's going down to the integration level. You're not on the integration level yet. You're still on the emotional level, right?

[00:08:42] And so that's where you need to be spending some time with that thought and exploring it. This would be a great conversation with a coach or with a close friend. What's in my way? What do I think is blocking me? What's holding me back from this one? Let's talk about newlyweds for a second, because my other big news is that on Sunday, and I don't know when I'm gonna get this one out to you, but I'm gonna get it to you as soon as possible, but Sunday the 19th, I'm starting.

[00:09:06] Around of the first year married course, which I'm so excited for. I'm gonna do this one or two times a year. I definitely love having the live cohort because I think there's something special about everyone going through the classes together, having live places to ask your questions.

[00:09:21] Especially anonymous questions I find are very popular with the Newlywed crowd. Um, and, and really just sort of being part of a cohort of women who are, who are doing the work together and who are in a very. It's a very healthy, pro marriage, pro-growth, pro giving everyone in the relationship don environment, which I think is something that is very badly needed right now.

[00:09:44] So I'm, I'm very happy to be able to host that again. So first of all, if you know an newlywed, you can either give it to her as a gift or you can send her a message and tell her that she needs to go to kayla levin.com/newlywed. And sign up because it's gonna be a little while before the next one. We wanna get her in as soon as possible, right?

[00:10:03] This is the. This is the cure before, this is the, the learn the material now so it doesn't have to become something that you are, you know, spending lots of time dragging yourself back out of all of the hurts and resentments that get built up. When we go into relationships with these misunderstandings and these misconceptions that come across.

[00:10:26] Very hurtful and they can be very painful. And they are. They're just so solvable if you understand the right paradigm. So I want that for every newlywed. I want you to just, just start off on the right foot. It will save you so much, so much. Look, it's gonna be work no matter what, right? But we want this to be work that feels like you're getting somewhere, not like you're just kind of drowning without any direction what to do, or if you're doing it right.

[00:10:52] You don't need to be feeling that way. You do not need to be feeling that way. This is the time to have support. I don't care how amazing your college teacher was until you are in the ring. This is why I really, really don't encourage people to sign up until they're married. I want you married. I don't want you coming.

[00:11:07] When you're engaged. When you're engaged, talk to your college teacher, right? Get all the information. Do premarital counseling, whatever you want. Once you're married. I'm your girl. I'm there to support you once it's actually happening. Okay, so that's the first re married course. Again, starts on Sunday, k levin.com/newlywed.

[00:11:25] Would love, love, love to get you in the newlyweds. You know, those of you who feel like you need a redo and we're gonna talk about that in a second, you can come too. I've had someone married over 20 years that's more than I've been married. She loved it so. You can join, but you need to come in with that like kind of newly weed energy, ready to see things in a new light.

[00:11:45] Okay? So what I really wanna talk to you about today, although that was kind of already a whole podcast episode about Haas, is if you finished Shauna s Shona. Now this might sound a little bit obvious because Sean s Shona, you finished once you've had your first anniversary, right? So no, otherwise that would be a very short podcast episode.

[00:12:05] No. S Shona, I want to posit is a developmental stage in your relationship. Okay? We can call it Sha s Shona. We can call it the newlywed fa phase. We can call it the young married phase, whatever you wanna call it. But there is a developmental stage. There's a reason that we have a concept of Shauna s Shona.

[00:12:25] The concept of Shauna vs Shona is when a couple gets married, there is a lack of confidence in the relationship. Okay. It's a lot. It, it, it comes from a lack of time. It's not, it's not like a really well matched Couple's gonna feel more confident. They might look more confident, they might sound more confident.

[00:12:46] They might even think they are more confident. But going back to ha you'll see that when you get down to das level, they don't actually behave. The full integration is not the same level of confidence they're gonna get to after, I guess, how many years, about 10 years. Before you really, really leave shana rishona according to Rabbi Tats.

[00:13:09] So what shana rishona is for is really showing this is my new priority, and it's giving you a transition period where that gets to be awkward. That gets to be not your first, um. Automatic response, right? For instance, like, you know, someone says, oh, you wanna get together after work? And you're like, oh my gosh, it'd be so nice.

[00:13:33] Let's go for a coffee. And then later you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't tell my husband, I didn't like ask if he was, if that was fine. Like I didn't even think. It's okay. It's awkward, and by the way, both ways. If he forgets to, right, and it's kind of just learning the culture of each other, the culture of the in-laws, the new life set up, it's all that transition time and it's putting a lot of deposits into the emotional bank account, the relationship bank account.

[00:14:04] That is the place that you need to be building your savings right now. Right. Like if I had a new, new married couple and they had absolutely no money to their name and they had nobody to support them, right? 'cause your parents can't keep you married. So in terms of relationships, there is no one to support you.

[00:14:20] It's the two of you. It's on you guys, right? Then I would be saying to them guys, just start hoarding as much money as you can. Like you need something put aside for a reigning day if there's an emergency. So same way with the relationship, I wanna be putting in as much positive as I can early on. So then if there's a rainy day, if something comes up, if someone goes through something challenging, if someone's just really struggling with something, if you have a hard pregnancy, right, you've got that savings account built up as much as possible, the bigger your savings account and the longer you've had it open, the more confident you're going to feel in the relationship.

[00:14:58] So this is what shana rishona is for. It's for creating that sense of, this building has a strong foundation. So now I can build pretty high, I can do a lot with it. This is really hard because some of us wanna already be out there doing all the things you wanna already be, you know, the power couple. You wanna already be doing the, like all the amazing things like the Hassed woman or whatever the thing is.

[00:15:23] Stop. Your building will be taller and more fancy and more sparkly the more time you invest in making sure that that foundation is solid. And yes, I'm still talking to you. Even if you have children, this comes first. This comes first. This is the biggest gift you can give to your children. Okay? Now how do you know if you got there?

[00:15:48] Okay, so that's what it's for. We're building that foundation. How do you know if you got there? I want you to look at the DOS level. I want you to look at the integration level. When you have a disagreement or a fight, what happens for you emotionally? What is your reaction like? How dysregulated do you get?

[00:16:08] Where does your head go? If it's going back and there's no judgment, we're just using this kind of very scientifically to get. Like your temperature, like the, the, the however you would measure the solidness of a foundation or the completedness of a foundation, right? Whatever that would be. Very scientifically.

[00:16:27] I want you to just check, and last time we got into an argument, did I go back to like our dating story? Did I go back to, I missed something. Did I go back to, I don't know if he really loves me, is pick your poison, right? It doesn't really matter, but some kind of fundamental questioning of the whole thing.

[00:16:47] If that's where you went, or just emotionally, you just, it was just too much. It was too much to handle. You were offline for a day. You couldn't bring yourself back, you couldn't get over it. You couldn't stop crying or you shouldn't, couldn't reconnect to him. You put up all the walls, whatever they, the re reaction was big.

[00:17:07] That means that on das level, on the level of integration, the belief that your marriage is solid, isn't there? Now that might be obvious to you. 'cause you might be like, well, it's not even solid on the intellectual level. I do not believe that my marriage is solid yet. That's fine too. Then you know for sure that you're not a SHA and Hanah.

[00:17:25] You haven't graduated to phase two of marriage, right? You're still in phase one, newlywed phase. Well, it says really what we should be calling it, but whatever. You're still in phase one until you've gotten there, but you wanna check on all three levels. Do you believe that you're there? Do you believe the relationship is solid?

[00:17:43] One of the biggest shifts I'll see with someone when I'm talking to them is, especially when I'm talking to newlyweds, is they'll be like, well, we're going through this and we're going through this, and this has been so hard and we got into these many arguments. And, and I'll say like, what if this is just like a bad six months?

[00:17:58] And all of a sudden they're like, what? Right. And it's like, well, why? If I said that to somebody who's been married 20 years, they're gonna be like, yeah, I think it's a bad six months. Maybe it's a bad two years. Right. Because they're. Their, um, timeline of their relationship has expanded so much alongside that confidence.

[00:18:19] But when you're a newlywed, it's like day by day. We've been married for two days. We've been married for one month, two months, right. Second anniversary, second month, month anniversary. Right? Like you're just like every little thing. And so if you have three bad days, that's a huge fraction of your entire marriage so far.

[00:18:34] Yeah. But. Once you kind of click in and it doesn't require that it, it's, it, it can be done mentally as well as just with the experience, right? And sometimes the experience alone isn't enough. You need, you need the extra support to get there mentally. Or you could be like, oh, I see that he's going through something challenging and he's probably not gonna be going through something challenging our whole marriage.

[00:18:55] So like, this is a phase and I could see that this is a phase and I can treat it like a phase. That can click, that could land, that could come out as integration. Then he does something super grouchy and instead of you being like, I had no idea that he was like this, it's probably an attachment style or whatever your brain tends to go to, that would be mine.

[00:19:15] You know? Then you could just be like, no, that makes sense. He's going through something hard. It's not gonna be like this forever. How do I support him right now? Right. It's a totally different, it changes you on a nervous system level. In terms of how you're reacting and how you're experiencing the whole relationship.

[00:19:33] Now, I wanna say something very, very clearly. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not there yet. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not there after seven years of marriage. Okay? If it's taking you time, it's okay. There's a lot of reasons that it might take a long time. Okay? So first of all. It could take a long time because you were given an unusually large number of unusual situations early on in your relationship, right?

[00:20:02] So for instance, anyone who's in Israel right now is not having a normal Shauna Miona. Anyone who had shahana during COVID was not having a normal shahana. Now, normal, okay, not a well loved word, but meaning you had extra factors. It's going to take more time because you were navigating a life situation on top of navigating the relationship, which really needed to have your full attention for things to go optimally.

[00:20:28] Okay? If you had a super difficult pregnancy or if you had infertility. So then that was taking up a lot of Headspace. Right. I'm just giving a couple. If you had major financial concerns or, or career concerns or, for some people they didn't really understand the value of Jean REOs. They weren't really making the space for it.

[00:20:49] They were kind of still acting like two single people. Okay. So there's a lot of reasons. A lot of reasons also. Okay. Another reason it could take a long time. People come into relationships with different levels of ability to connect and engage and feel confident in that relationship, right? If your experience in life has always been, relationships are great.

[00:21:13] People love me, I'm supported. I can trust people, right? People show up for me when I need them. You're gonna have a very different experience than if you come into the relationship. A little cynical, a little burned. You've been hurt. You've maybe had some difficult experiences or traumatic experiences in your past.

[00:21:34] Does that make something wrong with you? No. This is the package you were supposed to come to your relationship with. Right, so it's less important. I think what I want you to take away from this is it's less important to know how long it's supposed to take. There's no supposed to take, it's more important for you to just know where am I in the process?

[00:21:51] Where am I along the timeline? I don't know how long the timeline's gonna be, but am I, am I moving forward? Right? Am I there? Did I already graduate to phase two, right. Or not? Okay. So. What if it went really badly? You're thinking back, oh my gosh, Jean, I went really badly. We didn't do any of those things. I kind of need a redo.

[00:22:16] So there's a reason I'm doing this podcast episode right now, which is you should join the course. That is what you need to do. You need to come into the course. And this course is not just about how to have a conversation, although we have a huge communication masterclass, which is just. I mean, really I've sold it as its own course, but it's inside of the course as well.

[00:22:40] Um, there's a whole class on in-laws. Okay, fine. So there's very focused on shana rishona shown a type type classes, but what's much more important is the amount of self-awareness that you are going to gain by taking this course, because it's not just about his behavior and, and, and managing it and, and just trying to make things feel good. It's about understanding why things are making you feel so bad in the first place, right?

[00:23:07] If it's making you feel super insecure, or if it's making your temper flare, or if it's making you feel really weepy and sad, or if it's making all your walls go up so you don't wanna connect to him. If you don't understand your inner workings, which is what I teach you in this course, then you don't really have your full capacity to show up into the relationship because he's a mystery, obviously.

[00:23:29] He's a whole different person. Plus he's a man. But now you're a mystery too, so you're trying to get two mysteries to work together. It's a good, that's a lot to ask, right? So the most effective thing we can do first is to unwrap you. Unwrap your mystery, help you understand yourself and your behavior on a higher level, just like we did in the beginning of this episode with the adas breakdown.

[00:23:53] The more you can understand yourself and your own behavior. The more you have the ability to show up the way you want to in your relationship, that's what led me to coaching in the first place. I took every Shell and bias class I could get my hands on. I took read every marriage book I could get my hands on.

[00:24:09] I was desperate to figure out how to have a working good, amazing marriage. It was very, very big important thing for me. But knowing the information didn't help, it wasn't enough. It wasn't until I understood myself that I was able to use that information and actually show up the way that I wanted to.

[00:24:28] And in fact, in some cases it was worse because I felt so bad that there was such a huge discrepancy. 'cause now my image of the perfect wife had gotten really, really well defined and I was showing up as me. And now the, there was this, this huge gap, right? So it was the self-mastery, it was the self understanding.

[00:24:46] It was all the things that I needed to be able to use all of the information that I've learned. Right. And again, it's when you're in the ring with the support that you need, because having support changes everything. It changes your entire experience and your ability to just stay calm and manage a situation and learn from a situation as opposed to flying off the handle or panicking or worrying or calling The worst possible person who's gonna give you the worst possible advice, but they're just the person that you call.

[00:25:14] Right? So making sure that you have that support is. Is critical in the beginning of your relationship. Okay, so if you need a redo, let's do a redo. Give yourself permission to be a beginner. Give yourself permission to start over fresh, and if you are a beginner and you are starting fresh. Come join us because there's nothing better than to give yourself this kind of support first thing in the relationship.

[00:25:41] Finally, there is a gift option, so if you go to kaylalevin.com/newlywed, you'll see the option to purchase the course as a gift, which is such a generous thing to do. And those of you who join, I look forward to seeing you inside the community, to meeting you on the calls, to answering your questions. And if you have any questions about it at all, please don't hesitate.

[00:26:01] Send me an email, kayla@kaylalevin.com and let's make sure it's the perfect thing for you. Alright. Have an amazing rest of your week everyone. I hope to be back here. I hope life stays normal enough that I can get back on here and send you another message very soon. All right, be well. Bye-bye.