Episode 217 - The Peace of the River

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In this week's episode I'm discussing Rav Aharon Feldman's book, The River, the Kettle, and the Bird and how we can use the concept of the peace of the river to create a foundation for growth and connection in our marriages.

Resources:

The First Year Married Course: ⁠kaylalevin.com/newlywed⁠

The Glow Community (limited time offer: get the FYM course included when you join the annual subscription!) ⁠kaylalevin.com/coaching⁠

Reach out for private coaching at ⁠kaylalevin.com⁠

Don't forget to send in your questions for next week's PESACH episode!!

Have an awesome week!

Transcript

0:00

This is how you would show up if you were hosting a bunch of people at your Shabbos table.

Is that the theme, level of effort, or energy that you're putting into how you're showing up with

0:10

your husband?

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

0:17

I'm certified coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to

thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little

0:28

self-awareness along the way.

Hey, welcome back to the How to Glow podcast.

0:33

Kayla here.

I'm going to give you a little bit of an update of some of the stuff that I've been learning, what

0:38

I've got going up for you, and we're going to do a bit of a exploration into the amazing, amazing

book The River, the Kettle and the Bird Fire of Aaron Feldman.

0:48

Let's get going.

OK, So we have been busy with all the things inside of my monthly coaching membership.

0:55

We've been talking about our routines and about our bodies and our homes, and it is time to talk

about marriage.

1:02

And I have been wanting to do something with Rivaron Feldman's book, The River, the Cuddle and the

Bird.

1:08

If you haven't read it, first of all, if your husband is looking for a book on marriage, this is the

beginning, the middle, and the end.

1:13

This is the book.

This is the book for the husband.

1:16

It's written for the husband, as Rob Feldman actually explains in his introduction.

But the concepts are so relevant to any marriage because it really is how?

1:27

What are the mechanics of a healthy Jewish marriage?

From a completely Jewish perspective, this book is incredible.

1:36

And it left me with a sense of how do we take this and make it really actionable?

OK, because like, that's always my thing.

1:45

I love reading this stuff.

I love getting these ideas.

1:47

I love understanding the concepts and and studying the concepts, but it's that's the feminine in me,

right?

1:54

The feminine to me is like, OK, what do we do?

Where's the chart?

1:57

Where's the poster?

Where's the thing?

1:59

Like I want to see it implemented in real time.

And those of you who don't know that is the uniquely feminine ability, desire drive that we have as

2:08

Jewish as all women is all everything feminine in the world is about taking things from potential to

actuality.

2:14

OK, so I'm having an extremely feminine reaction to this book, I guess is what I should say.

And I'm with slight trepidation because who am I in in one way, right?

2:25

Except we recently my husband had a conversation with a very big cuddle and asked him a little bit

about my work.

2:32

And what he was told was women really have to lead women because women know what women need.

And so I feel like that was kind of the go ahead.

2:42

I needed to say, you know what, there's nothing wrong with taking a safer and turning it into

something that people can actually use, right?

2:50

Which it's not to say hospital that you can't actually use it just by reading this book and learning

this book.

2:55

But for me, as I'm reading this, I'm thinking, OK, what do I want to do with this?

How do I want to bring this to life?

3:01

And that is the inspiration for the next three months inside of the membership.

But I'm going to talk to you a little bit about his concept, like what he's teaching inside of this

3:10

safer.

I'm gonna talk about how we're bringing it into real time.

3:13

I'm gonna talk to you about how you can get involved if that's something that speaks to you as much

as I spoke to me.

3:18

OK, So the book is called The River, the Kettle and the Bird.

And the reason is that he talks about this is the three stages of peace that can happen inside of a

3:28

marital relationship.

There is a Gemara that says anyone who dreams of a river, a kettle and a bird can look forward to

3:34

peace.

So what does that mean?

3:35

And the commentary explains this is, well, basically the whole book is the commentary on what that

means.

3:41

So he talks about how what is the river?

I'm just going to explain quickly what those three are and what the relationships are to each other.

0:00

So the river is a mutually beneficial relationship.

3:52

It's good for me, it's good for this person, but they're very much living their own lives.

Why is this a river?

3:57

Because before we had trains and trucks, rivers were the mode of transportation for shipping and

merchandise between communities.

4:06

So I have a city over here.

I have a city over here.

4:08

This one makes cheeses.

This one makes wool.

4:12

I'll send some wool, you'll send some cheese.

It's great.

4:14

But I'm still a cheese maker and you're still a wool maker.

And this is a separate, we are two separate entities completely, but we have this this nice agree,

4:23

agreeable relationship where we both benefit and it's good.

That's the river, the kettle.

4:30

The example of the kettle is a kettle is, is a, is a, a vessel that allows us to take two different

things, fire and water, and turn it into something new that could never have been created alone.

4:41

If you just took fire and water, they would just put each other out.

But if you take, I mean, the water would put out the fire, but then the water would evaporate.

4:49

That's kind of what I meant by putting each other out.

You, you get the idea.

4:51

Nothing's created right when you put fire and water together.

But once you put a kettle on the fire and you add the water, so now you have steam or boiling water

5:00

or the ability to cook, you have something that you couldn't have without the kettle.

So with a relationship, so with a marriage, a family cannot be created without a marriage.

5:11

Children cannot be created without a marriage.

I mean, they can't, but raising them in the Jewish way is not going to happen outside of a marriage.

0:00

If you want to have one person changed the world, they might not be able to do that without someone

5:24

else holding down the Fort.

So many different versions of this, right?

5:28

But there's when a couple has a bigger picture, a bigger dream, has a vision beyond themselves.

The couple themselves make it possible to create, to bring that dream into actuality.

5:40

And again, specific dreams, especially dreams that are very fundamental to Jewish life, require the

family unit, right?

5:48

The family is so essential to our life.

It's such a high value for us.

5:52

Children are such a high value for us.

This requires that we have the vessel of the marriage.

5:56

The kettle becomes, that is the marriage is the vessel that makes it possible to create something

that one person could not create on their own.

6:04

So they're still distinct.

The water is not the fire.

6:08

The fire is not the water.

But they have now reached a higher level than the river.

6:14

Now the bird.

The bird is one thing, but the bird can fly and the bird can walk.

6:21

And the way he puts it is the way that a bird flies is somewhat altered by the fact that it also

needs to be able to walk.

6:26

If a bird was only a flying creature, it wouldn't have these legs to carry, and it would.

And if it didn't need to fly, it would also not have these big heavy wings to carry around, so it

6:36

would walk differently.

So the whole thing is it's one unit that has different abilities in different parts.

6:43

And this is the Jewish ideal.

This is the ideal for our marriages is to get to this highest level.

6:48

Now, the thing that really totally got me excited about this is that when I was first reading this,

I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

6:57

Rivers, like, you know, for, like, shallow couples, like, whatever.

I wasn't being this judgmental, but, you know, cattle is for couples that, like, aren't deep and

7:04

connected and like, bird.

We all want to just get to bird.

7:06

Let's all go do bird.

And he's not like that.

7:10

You can't get to kettle until you've done river.

River is the founding is the foundation.

7:15

The piece of the river is the foundation.

To be able to move on to the kettle.

7:19

The piece of the kettle is the foundation.

To really be able to move on to the piece of the bird, you have to have all three.

7:25

And that's why it says someone who dreams of the river, the kettle and the bird can look forward to

peace.

7:32

OK, so now I'm like, on fire right now.

I'm like, OK, this is amazing.

7:37

And he said that basically he dedicates much of the book to talking about the level of the river

because so many couples don't get past that.

7:45

So what we're going to be doing inside my membership and what I'm going to speak about a little bit

today, is we're going to be dividing up the next three months into the river, the kettle and the

7:54

bird.

I don't know if I'm going to do it evenly.

7:56

If we need more time to work on river, we'll just stay in river for two months.

If we need to, we could stay in river for three months and extend the whole thing.

8:02

But basically, I'm not jumping out of this anytime soon.

I want us to work through this idea, the piece of the river, then we're going to move on to the

8:12

piece of the kettle.

Working on goal setting as a couple, visioning as a couple.

8:16

This is one of the things that my husband and I do so well.

And it's something we teach people all the time.

8:20

Like even in our personal life, we have even like behind my desk right here, we have our goals for

when we hit 40, right?

8:26

And like, what is our vision?

What are we working towards?

8:28

What do we call success?

We have it up and around.

8:30

This is also our guest room.

So our guests are always like, hey, how are you doing on those goals?

8:34

Because they can see, OK, so we're going to take I'm, I'm, I'm going to share what I've been doing

and what's been working so well for us.

8:42

I'm also going to take what Feldman teaches inside of his book.

And we're going to talk about the piece of the bird.

8:48

That will be the final piece, but we are starting with the piece of the river.

And this one is basically the way that we're going to look at this.

8:57

He goes through so much, so much of actually like, this is my worksheet and I'm so excited about it.

They printed it out so those of you who are watching the video can see what it looks like.

9:07

It's not just a worksheet, it's a workbook, like a mini workbook.

There's even a goal tracker at the end.

9:13

It's like everything practical and doable to take out of this.

But he has a list of both mitzvahs, bin Ananda caveiro, which the the commandments that a person is

9:25

required to keep between him and his fellow man, which is absolutely required within marriage,

right?

9:31

That applied to marriage.

I omitted the ones that are really specific man to woman.

9:35

So we have a bunch of those and three that are sort of his general guidelines that he starts with of

things that we should have in our marriages.

9:43

OK, so I'll give you an example.

The first 3, politeness, which is not formality, it's courtesy, pleasantness.

9:50

This is how you would show up if you were hosting a bunch of people at your Shabbos table.

Is that the theme level of effort or energy that you're putting into how you're showing up with your

10:01

husband?

Respect, which includes listening deeply.

10:05

Somebody you really respected was speaking to you.

Would you be listening with half an ear and thinking, OK, but really, I don't know.

10:09

We're going to wrap this up now.

I got to get moving.

10:11

No, right.

Then he goes into the mitzvos be not on the covero.

10:15

So all of these are listed here in this worksheet and and those of you who are listening who, who

are not in the program, first of all, you could join the program for this part, which would be

10:22

great.

But also you can just think for yourself.

10:24

If I were to just give myself a ranking from 1:00 to 10:00, no judgement, by the way, anyone who

doesn't know how to do self introspection without judgement, let's get on a call or let's, you know,

10:33

come into the program and we can talk about it because it's one of the biggest gate Saharas for

being able to introspect is to go into a place of like, I am the worst, right?

10:43

And if I go to I am the worst, then I can't have a clear look at myself.

I can't grow from that place.

10:48

So we need to know how to be able to look at our flaws without crumbling, without getting defensive,

without going into a shame spiral.

10:56

OK, I'm not going to talk about that today.

If you guys want me to talk about it more, let me know and we can do another episode on that.

11:02

What I want to talk about here is let's say you're at that place where you're like, let's go, baby.

I am excited.

11:07

I mean, I am, this is how I feel.

I'm like, I am so excited to sit down with this worksheet and go through and really look at

11:16

politeness.

Do I remember to say please and thank you?

11:19

Am I saying excuse me if I ask for a favor?

Am I actually asking as if it's a favor?

11:25

Am I just creating that warmth and that pleasant environment in my home?

I'm looking at some of these mitzvos being down the cosmos.

11:36

Even if it would be more plausible to not be down the cosmos, what does that mean?

It means giving the benefit of the doubt when it looks like it could be this way or that way.

11:44

We we're commanded to stretch ourselves to assume that the other person that we misunderstood or

that there was a miscommunication or that I think that happened, but actually that happened.

11:56

We're not meant to make ourselves crazy, but this is a mitzvah.

OK, As some people will say, is is assume positive intent.

12:05

It's such a beautiful phrase, but but being done judging on the side of merit really is much bigger

than just assuming positive intent.

12:12

It could be that like, well, it's possible my kid was actually laughing at me.

I got major mom points on this one.

12:18

We were driving and a person was honking like absurdly, with the amount of honking was not normal,

was really not normal.

12:24

So at some point I just said, shoot, they're all my kids are like, what is with this person?

Why are they so impatient?

12:29

I think they're they they weren't like right behind me.

So I weren't like, mommy, what did you do right?

12:35

And finally I said their horn must be broken.

My 12 year old was like, she came up.

12:40

She's like you guys, Eva was so done.

The Cavs, you wouldn't believe it, gets it.

12:45

She said there's no way that Horton was broken.

But you know what, Kobe, you never know.

12:50

So that's being done.

The Cavs.

12:51

Are we going that far for our husbands?

Now?

12:54

The thing that's so important to remember here, and this is articulated so much better than I'll be

able to try to summarize.

13:01

So he speaks about this, our involvement speaks about this in the beginning of the book, is that why

is marriage so good?

13:08

Because it's good.

Marriage is so good because our mission on this earth is to get close to a shem.

13:16

Getting close to a shem requires a transformation.

It requires going from our most animalistic self, you know, self-serving side to becoming what he

13:26

calls truly human.

Such a beautiful way to put it, which means anything that a sense above our animalistic, our knee

13:35

jerk, our instinctive drives is US becoming human being Donna Customs, not being suspicious, not

being selfish, not being abrupt.

13:46

Pushing ourselves in this way turns us into a better person.

It turns us into a higher level of human when we're in that place.

13:53

I want to say higher level of human.

You're a wonderful human regardless, but it helps us evolve and be more of who we truly are.

14:01

I guess that's how I want to say it, right?

We're more of who we truly are and that's who we want to be identified with.

14:05

And when we are that person, we can connect to Hashem better.

So the marriage then also becomes this vehicle of of us on our own personal journey.

14:18

OK, this is very, very important because one of the main objections and, and it's a very

emotionally, I totally get where you're coming from.

14:29

If I'm sitting here and going, well, are you being pleasant?

Are you being respectful?

14:32

Are you doing pleasant and all of these things?

And you're like, could we just talk about how I'm burnt out, I'm overworked, I'm doing all this

14:39

stuff.

He's not doing his obligations since the when's the last time he said thank you?

14:43

Did he even remember my birthday, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you've got this whole long list of complaints and grievances and they're true and you're tired.

14:52

It can be very hard to feel like this marriage is a great big lugging sack and I am lifting 99% of

the weight and he's barely holding up the corner.

15:03

OK.

But when I remember that ultimately I am on a journey, and this is not meant to disconnect you from

15:11

your husband, because how in the world are we ever going to get to the piece of the bird if I'm

disconnecting from him and I'm doing my own thing, right?

15:17

We have to stay connected.

But this is the paradox, right?

15:20

Which is if, if this is a tit for tat, if this is a 5050, is this I'll do this.

If you do this, then we are shortchanging ourselves of our own growth and development.

15:32

OK, so I hope I've sold you a little bit on because I am so excited to do this work.

I'm so excited to do this work with my community.

15:41

Those of you who aren't inside of it, I would love you to join.

I want to tell you how this works.

15:46

OK, because this could be a little confusing.

I want to make sure this is super clear.

15:49

I do two things.

I run a first year married program and I coach newlyweds privately as well.

15:57

And I help women create the foundation which includes a lot of this, the foundation for their

marriages.

16:02

OK, the first year married program is basically made-up of years and years of coaching and anything

that I was like, I keep teaching this exact same thing to all these women and saying instead of each

16:12

of these women having to pay a whole lot of money to get on a call with me, let me turn it into a

course.

16:17

They can get all that information and then if they want help with application, let me do that with

them.

16:22

It's such a better use of both of our time and we can consolidate it.

We can make it concise.

16:28

We can make it super clear, right?

You can make it very actionable.

16:31

So that is the first year married course.

It is on my website.

16:34

You can get it anytime.

As of now, that might be changing, but as of now, you can still go to my website

16:38

and get it at kaylalevin.com/newlyweds.

So if you're in your first, I would say you haven't celebrated your third, definitely your second

16:47

anniversary, but even your third go there.

Also, tons of women have taken it that were married longer and they either want to give themselves a

16:53

new Shana Rishona feeling or they feel like maybe they didn't quite get everything out of Shana

Rishona they were meant to, or they're just totally into all of the marriage stuff.

17:02

They just want to learn all the ideas and the concepts.

So you're absolutely welcome to take the course as well.

17:08

That's one piece.

The main coaching that I do is inside of my Membershi community.

17:13

Now.

These are women who've worked with me before or who have been in this program and have done the

17:17

trainings inside of this program to understand what coaching is all about.

And we take a different topic and we do a deep dive every month.

17:25

And as I said, this is going to be a longer a longer series that we're going into now.

And it's a subscription program, meaning you join and you get access to a weekly call with me,

17:34

whatever we're working on, whatever project, workbook, whatever it is that we're doing, plus an

ability to send an anonymous written coaching.

17:41

And I respond to those questions online and an online community, which is just the most safe and

supportive and amazing place of women who are just looking to grow as individuals, grow as wives,

17:54

grow as mothers in the global community.

We talk about everything.

17:56

So it can be your job, it could be your parenting, whatever.

But we have these focused topics to move us forward as well.

18:02

So we're not just always putting out fires.

We're also being super proactive.

18:06

So inside this community, we're going to be focusing on the piece of the river, the piece of the

kettle, the piece of the bird over the next couple months.

18:12

I know it's Pesach, by the way, just in case anyone's like, hey, everyone else on the planet is

talking about Pesach and stress.

18:18

So here's what I want you to know.

Your whole life can't just be peso.

18:23

That's number one.

Number one is one of the ways we get burnt out is when we get completely consumed by any one thing.

18:30

OK, so that's one.

Number two is this is not a full time job.

18:37

This program, this program.

One of my main things is how do we make this as on the go as possible?

18:43

How is this?

So for instance, all of the recordings of the coaching calls are available on a private podcast and

18:48

you can listen to the coaching calls as you go.

So many of my members, that is the main way that they are involved in the program because when you

18:53

hear someone else get coached, when you understand the fundamental topics that we use, you're

getting coached yourself.

18:58

It's the most amazing thing.

In fact, some of the best coaching I've ever gotten was being given to someone else and I was just

19:03

in the room.

So that's one huge piece because all your defenses are down.

19:07

If someone else is getting coached, you're able to hear it so much more clearly #2 is whatever it is

that I'm giving you, I'm giving it to you as concise and clear and actionable a way as possible.

19:18

OK, so if you look through this worksheet, this is one of the longest worksheets I've done.

First of all, the 1st 2 pages are just just one to 10 checklists.

19:26

You're just evaluating yourself.

How long is that going to take you?

19:30

If you really want to think about it, 2 minutes to do the first 2 pages, then you have a short

reflection, and then you're going to run some models.

19:36

If you don't know how to run a model, there's a short training inside of the program that teaches

you exactly how to run models.

19:42

What's a model?

If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing or feeling how you're feeling, then you can't

19:49

change it.

OK, I spent so much time in Shana Rishona trying to be the wife that was being described in all my

19:55

Shalom Bayis classes and all the classes, the books I was reading and the classes I was listening to.

And I didn't know why I wasn't doing it.

20:01

And so instead I was just really frustrated with myself or frustrated with him.

The model is what taught me how to get a real level of clarity on why I'm feeling and acting the way

20:11

that I am so that I could shift it and change it and do better.

And we have something called an intentional model, which teaches you how to show up the way you want

20:19

to from a place of authenticity.

It's real for you.

20:22

And it's not just self-control and behaviorism and sort of.

Putting on a face than putting on a show, it's really, really a new expression of who you are.

20:29

It literally just comes down to your thinking.

But we can't just swap thoughts.

20:33

We have to understand ourselves a little bit better than that.

So I teach you how to do that inside of the program and inside of first.

20:39

You're married by the way, So you can learn that pretty much any way.

You work with me, you work with me one-on-one.

20:43

I'm also going to make sure you know how to do a model.

So we run, let's see, 123 models, couple places for reflection, and then we have a goal tracker for

20:57

two weeks at the very end.

So how much time is this entire workbook going to take you?

21:02

10 minutes, 10 minutes?

In 10 minutes, you're going to have a handle on areas where you could grow to be a better evanishem,

21:13

to be a better wife, to create a better environment in your home.

In 10 minutes, you're also going to have an idea of what you're doing really well.

21:20

And one of the models I have you run is why are you doing well in that area?

So you know what thoughts and feelings are helping you show up that way?

21:28

Because that's gold.

That's going to have you be so strong.

21:32

I feel like I don't even need to do a webinar this month.

I just want to give everyone this worksheet.

21:36

I'm so excited about it.

So if you're listening to this and you're wondering what in the world do I do?

21:42

How do I get in?

So go to k11.com/coaching and you can sign up there for the program.

21:49

I'm going to be adding on an option for this because I know that some of you are going to be like, I

really want to have space to work on this.

21:56

This is not going to be a rushed month.

This is going to be minimum three months.

22:00

We might take it longer.

This could be something that we use as a foundation in our coaching as the rest in the rest of the

22:04

year.

So those of you who sign up for the full year, I'm going to just give you the first year married

22:11

course as well.

How cool is that?

22:14

It's only going to be available for April, so from the time this podcast goes until no, actually not

until April, sorry, until this starts, so whatever.

22:25

If it's not there on the site when you go to k11.com/coaching, it means, I'm sorry, it's not there

anymore, but go check it out and you'll either get both of those together or you can do the first.

22:35

You're married.

Whenever you have time, get in here and join us for this program.

22:39

It's going to be amazing.

It's going to fit into your life.

22:41

And what better time to be working on these medos than when we're stressed out and there's a time

crunch.

22:46

One of the things he talks about, or what are the things that make us lose it?

And of course, why is Arab Shabbos such a stress?

22:52

It's because of that deadline.

So Arab Pesach is also such a stress.

22:55

Let's make sure we have this front burner so that we are showing up in a way that we could be so

proud of, regardless of if our house is sparkling clean.

23:04

We're going to get rid of the hummates and we're going to get rid of the ego.

And it's going to be amazing and we're going to be doing this work together.

23:11

And I'm really, really looking forward to it.

OK, I'm not going to talk today about piece of the kettle, piece of the bird.

23:17

I'm not sure if those are going to come out on the podcast or just inside the program, but I hope

that everyone who's listening, first of all, of course, I would love to have you join.

23:25

I want you inside of there.

Introduce yourself to me in the community the second you join, please.

23:30

And those of you who for whatever reason, this is not your time and that's fine.

This is not meant to be a pressuring situation here.

23:38

If you know it's not for you, then I want you to trust yourself on that.

I also want to encourage you either get this book or do some reflections.

23:47

No, it is how you're showing up just on this first level, the courtesy, the politeness, the being

out on the Havero mitzvos.

23:55

Are you showing up in the way you want to create that foundation to be able to take your marriage to

the next level?

24:02

OK, my friends have an amazing rest of your week and I will see you back here next week with, oh,

this is great.

24:10

Next week I'm going to be answering some of your questions about getting ready for Pesach or

traveling for Pesach or spending time with family for Pesach.

24:17

So if you haven't gotten your question into me yet, you can just e-mail it to me.

Just write Pesach question in the subject line and you can add in your question.

24:26

You're going to send it to kayla@kaylalevin.com.

Try to get it to me in the next couple days.

24:31

Let's see, this is going to go out on Thursday, so get it to me by Tuesday, the 1st of April.

And I will try and cover as many of those questions as I can in next week's podcast.

24:40

I want to get you guys ready so you can have an amazing Pesach.

It's so great, such a good hug, like let's enjoy it, let's take advantage of it.

24:48

Spend good time with our families deep in our marriages.

It can be done.

24:53

All right, see you next week.

Bye.