Episode 203 - For the Love of Newlyweds
Updated: Nov 14
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Welcome back to you and me!!
Today we're talking about what shana rishona is really all about. It might not be what you think! (Plus a tool that can help you at any stage of your marriage.)
WHAT YOU'LL DISCOVER IN THIS EPISODE:
What is the point of shana rishona?
First Year Married Course Update
How to Mastermind the Worst Part of Your Day
FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE:
Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching
0:00
Hey everyone, we're back.
I'm so excited.
0:16
Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.
I'm certified Coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.
0:38
This episode is going to be a schmooze, an update and a little bit of information about what's coming up and asking for your help on some pieces from you.
So those of you who are new to the podcast, I don't know how you got here for this episode, but I'm happy you're here.
0:57
Those of you who've been here longer know that I have taken a long extended break.
And I hope you know, a little a little while ago, I was looking to work with somebody.
And when I went to her website, it said, I'm on mat leave for a year.
1:16
I won't be taking any new clients.
And of course, I was disappointed not to work with her.
But then I also had this moment of like, wow, you could do that.
I know not everyone could do it.
I know it's a luxury, but even for those people who can, sometimes we feel like we can't.
1:35
And I think that's very much how I was.
And so while the main core of my business, my online coaching membership and my one-on-one clients has, you know, been kind of going at the same pace, they realized the podcast kind of needed to go on a break, not because of a baby, because of a new house and a move and a new community.
1:54
And I've just been wanting to get back into it for so long.
And I feel like there's just time, you know, kind of cracks in the schedule where it might be able to fit back in.
So I'm very, very excited to be back.
I want to talk today about what is the point of Shana Rishona?
And this is going to be relevant whether you are in Shana Rishona now or for you to check if you got what you needed from it.
2:17
OK. I think it's a question that we kind of don't even ask, right?
We know Shana Rishona. We have, like, cute ideas for Shan Rishona
She's going to figure out how to make his favorite cookie, like favorite recipes and like, decorate and get iced coffee with her friends and like, maybe have a job or finish school.
2:33
So cute. What are you doing? Like, what is the actual point of what you're doing?
OK, so that's what we're going to talk about.
But before I go there, I just want to let you know all the fun stuff that's happening because like, all of a sudden there's like a lot going on over here.
And I've had people reach out.
I want to make sure you all know number one most important starting.
2:52
I know this is going to be by the time most of you listen to this it's going to be too late, but starting June 2nd I have totally revamped the entire first year married program and is back better than ever. I am so excited about it.
It's like nothing I've ever offered before because first of all, I'm, I've redone, I'm redoing all of the classes.
3:12
So incorporating all the advanced trainings that I've been taking, all of the learning that I've been doing to just make things even more usable and applicable and doable.
I'm also chunking the classes. The classes are going to be released on Sundays and they're going to be chunked into smaller sections, which makes it so much easier to listen to.
3:30
But the piece I'm really excited about is we're adding a community in the community.
We're going to have prizes and we're going to have competition.
Then we're going to have crowdsourcing and we're going to have support.
And so much of our learning happens and integrates when we see ourselves supported and as part of a greater community.
3:49
And we see our peers doing the work too. And there's also going to be live coaching calls.
So the first year Married course, again, it starts June 2nd and I am closing registration.
Then it's for women in their first years of marriage, meaning if you still feel like you're a newlywed, you could take the course.
You're still in the building phase of your marriage, you could take the course.
4:08
I'm not going to kick anyone out because you've been married too long.
The only rule is we're not coaching on things that are beyond first year issues.
That is what the Glow community is for.
OK. So if you know any newlyweds, if you are a newlywed, I want to really, really encourage you. Also, you can always e-mail me.
4:23
There's a really easy form on my website, kaylalevin.com, but if you want to go straight to thecoursek11.com/newlywed and you can give it as a gift, which is k11.com/gift.
So that's super cute.
Isn't that cute?
That's cute.
I wish I got that gift Newlywed.
4:40
All right.
Beyond that, inside of the Glow community, we are going to be doing in June, how to mastermind the worst part of your day.
This is a self-care class and it's not self-care.
The thing that makes me crazy about self-care is when people only talk about things you need to add to your life because most people don't feel like there's space for that, especially if you need self-care.
5:05
So what we're going to do is we're going to be working within the structure of what you are doing.
What is the worst part of your day?
What is the struggle for you?
What do you hate?
Where do you feel you are losing the most?
You're getting the most depleted.
And we're going to mastermind it.
We're not just going to try and make little tweaks here and there.
5:21
We're not going to just make suggestions.
We're going to figure out how we ever let it get to where it is, what we learn about ourselves from that place and what we're going to do about it.
If you are listening to this episode and it's first of all the recordings actually stay inside of the glow community so you can sign up and you will be able to listen to that topic call.
5:39
And every week I have a coaching call at different times of day.
So you can come on, you can get coached on any topic.
And even if you're listening to this a year from now, you could sign up and you could say, I want to get coached on my mornings because they're just not good.
And I will coach you and it'll be amazing.
5:56
OK, so that is the glow community. That's what's happening over there.
And the very last thing is I had a couple people, you guys on Spotify, you can like write stuff you can do like Q&A S.
It's so cool.
I just went back and saw the things you guys have been writing in there, which is super fun.
There's like so many of you listening on Spotify.
6:13
So a couple people wrote in that they want, I can't respond to you.
That's super annoying.
So they wanted to know how to get onto the WhatsApp Shaam for Shaam challenge.
This is a challenge of 30 days that I send out cute little challenges like those of you listening to Take this challenge for today.
6:28
I'm challenging you.
Take a whiteboard marker and write your husband a note on your bathroom mirror and be so cute 'cause why not?
Why not be in like just investing that kind of yumminess into your relationship.
These little teeny things go so far.
6:45
So that is a Shalom for Shalom challenge.
If you want to join it on WhatsApp, we're actually finishing this round, but if you join the group, you will just be there and it goes quiet in between rounds.
I give you guys a couple months in between to because it's just the same challenges because they're awesome and I just want you to do those again.
So it's Bitly slash Shalom 30.
7:01
So that means BIT dot LY slash Shalom 30.
I'm going to link that in the show notes as well.
So you can get it there or you can go to my website and you can get it by e-mail, which means you just get the next 30 days, you get the the same challenges no matter what.
So that's Kayla levin.com and if you look under more, there's free resources and that's one of the resources that's there for you.
7:21
OK, those are all my updates for now.
Wish I could hear from you how you guys are doing.
Oh no, that's a lie.
I have one more really cool thing. I have this idea for the podcast. I want to start doing mentor sessions on the podcast.
So what does that mean? I'm calling them mentor sessions.
7:37
Here's what they are.
I'm going to start bringing in women who have expertise in different areas of life.
It's kind of like the Guru series, only not necessarily professionals and actually looking for women who have expertise.
That's not their job necessarily because I think that's really fun and it's a bit of a different vibe to come on and talk about.
7:58
So for instance, if you have a friend who really helped you figure out good routines for your day, if you have a sort of a mentor or role model who helped you, think about creating a Friday night ritual that worked for you in terms of like after he goes to Shoal and the lighting.
8:18
I don't know, whatever any area in your life, how to manage yourself on Yondev.
It might be your mother, it might be you, you might be listening, you might be like, I do this thing really, really well.
And I see that a lot of my peer group struggles, I want to just Crowdsource and get all of that expertise because they're so Jewish women are so amazing and there's so much expertise in our community.
8:36
And I want to open up this podcast to be a platform for that because I feel so strongly that working on our marriages, it's not just about working on our marriages.
The more our whole life feels good, the more we see ourselves as succeeding in our life that it just lifts everything, right?
And if we're really struggling in our whole life, it's very hard for us to have a strong marriage in that place, right?
8:54
They're going to affect each other.
So start thinking I already have some ideas on my end of people who, you know, like lay people kind of right, like meaning they're not they're not necessarily teachers of this thing.
They're not a rabbis in or a coach.
9:09
They're not professionally doing this.
This is just somebody in your life who's had an influence on you, who you've learned something from, or again, you you have something you'd like to share with this community that you want Jewish women to know.
Please reach out to me, Kayla, at kaylalevin.com.
And when I get those mentor sessions going, they're going to be amazing.
OK?
9:25
Oh, or if you just have random ideas, you're like, I have no idea if you could get her to talk, but try, I will try and get her on the show.
OK.
What's the point of Shana Rishona?
So you're listening to think, did I get it or am I getting it or I'm not even married yet, but that's what I need to go get or I'm married right now.
9:42
I need to make sure this is happening.
What's the point of Shana Rishona?
So there are very much different opinions, but clearly the fact that the Torah exempts a man from going to war because of Shana Rishona is to show us this is the opposite of happily ever after.
9:59
Happily ever after version is do all the work, get married.
Now you're done.
You've reached the the goal, right?
You've succeeded.
You graduated.
Shana Rishona teaches us exactly the opposite.
Shana Rishona teaches us, congratulations, you got married.
Yes, that was maybe a lot of work, depending on the person.
10:17
Now the work begins.
Now you're starting, Now you're learning a skill you have never learned before.
Even if you were married before, by the way, even if this is your second marriage or third, I don't know how many times you've been married, even if it's not your first marriage, you've never been married to this person.
10:35
There's no such thing as Hashanah Rishona. That's not new information.
And especially if this is your first marriage, this is a skill you don't know how to do.
That's not because you are unworthy. That's not because you're not smart. That's not because you're less than in any way.
10:52
It is not possible to know how to do marriage until you've been married.
This is why I'm so strict.
I don't let women in my program until they've been married already.
And I really encourage them not to join until they've been married for a month.
Because like, Calabrene has just got to come down from the clouds and resettle on her shoulders.
11:07
Otherwise, you can't hear anything I'm saying and you still think everything's perfect.
And it is perfect. That's exactly what it's supposed to be.
But it's not the perfect you thought it was, right?
And so Shanerishona is the process.
This is what I want to offer you as a, as a solution, as a thought.
11:24
It's the process of figuring out how to figure it out.
Because ultimately what's happening is you take 2 individuals and you are turning them into a unit, OK?
No matter how good your boundaries are, your emotional maturity, it doesn't matter.
11:40
It doesn't matter if you're very mature.
It doesn't matter if you have great boundaries, it doesn't matter.
You are part of a relational unit.
Now, if one of you has a hard day, that affects the other one.
If one of you has a temper that affects the other one and for the positive as well.
And that is a new creation in the world is you as a couple.
12:01
The Shana Rishona is like I have a podcast, a very old podcast called your Marriage as a Baby.
So that would be a great follow up for this one.
It's you sort of birthing this new little baby and then nurturing it because you don't just have a baby and then say, how come you're not making me feel good baby.
No, you don't get Nahas from your baby.
12:18
The baby is not there to give you anything.
Your job is to nurture and take care of that baby.
Your job at Shana Richona is to get this little marriage on its feet.
And there's very specific ways to do that.
And that's really what I go through the first year married course.
That's what it's all about is teaching you how to do the work, how to invest in your marriage because it's yes, it is actually really good.
12:38
Figure out what he likes to eat.
I'm not even kidding. That's a real thing. OK, but it's not everything. It's not everything.
But the piece that I think is really special was to make the shift to the idea.
I'm figuring this out because what we normally do is we look at the reality of our life and we're like, this is where I landed.
12:59
So let's say you married a guy and you thought that you guys were gonna have, like, a really cuddly worm type of vibe in your marriage.
And actually, he's, like, kind of serious.
And he's like, doesn't love cuddling on the couch.
You thought you would be doing that.
And he's like, I'm gonna sit over on this cushion and you're good there.
13:15
I like my space, right?
Like, huh? What? No, that was not the plan.
So instead of being like, I landed in a situation with a guy who isn't meeting my needs for connection and coziness, you go, OK, I've got something to figure out.
13:32
So let me figure out.
He's got his physical needs. I've got my physical needs.
Got to see what we're going to do about it and figure it out.
The amazing thing about your brain is that's all you have to do.
As soon as you tell your brain I'm figuring it out, instead of, oh, no, I landed here, it's a big problem.
13:48
I'm doomed.
Our brains can get really dramatic, right?
If we're not in that space and we're in the space of, oh, I'm figuring this out now, your brain will automatically start to feed you solutions.
I kid you not. This is the coolest thing about being a coach. I don't do any work.
14:04
I just get you from the space of I'm doomed to I'm figuring it out.
And then all of a sudden you start going, you know, I also really, and then like 10 amazing solutions come to mind.
So this is what I want to offer you is the work fundamentally of at least it's a tool.
14:23
Maybe it's not the fundamental work of Shana Rishana.
Maybe really I the first thing that I said is the most important is that that shift from being two individuals to being this new unit.
But the tool, one of the strongest tools that you can use to allow you to do that in an effective way is the tool of I'm figuring it out.
14:41
And what's amazing about this thought is I don't think there's really a situation in which it's not true unless the situation is now over.
We can no longer figure anything out.
As long as we are still technically involved in a situation, there's something we're figuring out.
14:57
It's either figuring out our own personal, how we cope with it or figuring out how to optimize it, how to make it better, understanding what exactly it is that's working him that I'm not really getting right now.
There's so much to figure out.
And when we're in that space, it automatically propels us into a growth mindset, into a mindset where we were, we are noticing, we're getting curious, We're not getting, we're not going into despair, we're not going into worry.
15:22
We're not going into anxiety, just get curious what's going on here?
We're figuring it out. We've got decades. So work on it.
It's not like, oh, I landed here. I have to put up with this for decades. It's no, I've got decades to figure this out.
15:38
We're just starting the journey.
I think that most of the women that I know, if you can see yourself in a process of growth, it's automatically a more inspiring, a more motivating, a more exciting place to be.
So this is another benefit of figuring it out.
15:56
All right, my friends, this is it for today. I hope to be back with you soon.
Those of you on Spotify, if you want to use that little Q&A thing to like, let me know anything else that you want me to coach you on here in this podcast, let me know.
I love suggestions and ideas.
I have a bunch, but why not?
You can also e-mail me kayla@kaylalevin.com and that's another place you can send me ideas or requests, I guess is more appropriate.
16:19
And if you are, or if you know a newlywed, please, please let them know about this course coming up.
It's going to be such a blast.
It's going to give you so much clarity on what exactly.
Each week we're focusing on just one thing with homework and assignments.
And they are fun.
16:35
And so you're outsourcing the figuring it out a little bit, right?
You're outsourcing the like, just picking where to start.
I'm going to tell you, here's where you're starting. We're going to do this next week. This is what you're focusing on this week.
So you just focus on getting in the game and doing the thing and then coming back to me or to the community for whatever support that you need.
16:55
kaylalevin.com/newlywed Those of you who want to mastermind the worst part of your day.
See you guys inside and back here on the podcast soon.
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