Ep 165 - Keeping Your Marriage Strong Over Yom Tov with Devora from Adai Ad

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I did a webinar about a week ago with Devora from Adai Ad, and I wasn't planning on sending it to the podcast, but I heard back from so many people that it made such a huge difference.

That it was exactly the kinds of things that they're worrying about dealing with, struggling with over Yom Tov spending Yom Tov with family, especially if you have young children.

But even if not, managing those dynamics between your husband and your family, or his family, and you and their family and all the different things. Devora had some really phenomenal advice, and of course I'm bringing all the coaching and mindset work and typical relationship things in the whole newlywed experience.

I hope you love this conversation with Devora from Adai Ad.

Join How to Glow: Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

<00:00:00> Kayla Levin: Keeping Your Marriage Strong Over Yom Tov with Devora from Adai Ad.

<00:00:05> Kayla Levin: Hi my friends. I did a webinar about a week ago with. Devora from Adai Ad, and I wasn't planning on sending it to the podcast, but I heard back from so many people that it made such a huge difference. That it was exactly the kinds of things that they're worrying about dealing with, struggling with over Yom Tov spending Yom Tov with family, especially if you have young children.

<00:00:28> Kayla Levin: But even if not, managing those dynamics between your husband and your family, or his family, and you and their family and all the different things. Right. Devora had some really phenomenal advice, and of course I'm bringing all the coaching and, um, mindset work and typical relationship things in the whole newly wed experience.

<00:00:48> Kayla Levin: So I asked if it would be okay for me to repost this over here on the podcast. She said yes, because she's awesome and I'm sharing it over here with you. I also wanna let you know that if you're hearing any of this and thinking, okay, but. It sounds really good. I'm not exactly sure how to apply it to my situation or my family, or you know, how we're dealing with things.

<00:01:08> Kayla Levin: We will be working on relationships for the entire month of October. We even have one call during chol hamoed and there will be written coaching. So if you know that you're gonna be needing some support, I am here to support you during that time, and I wanna really, really encourage you to make this the time that you go ahead and join How To Glow Today, because once you're inside, you're gonna have access to the tools that are gonna get you up and running, and you'll be able to get live coaching with me and written coaching. So anytime you have a question, you can just send it in and it'll get back to you within a couple days.

<00:01:39> Kayla Levin: Sometimes even the same day. All right, so this is the way that I have to support you. I know it's making a huge difference for the women that are inside the program, and I really want to be able to help you as well. So you just go to KaylaLevin.com/coaching. You'll be able to sign up immediately and get started on those courses.

<00:01:56> Kayla Levin: So by the time you get to the next call, which we have calls every single week, you'll be ready to go. You'll understand the tools that we use. Everything is made to be really short and simple. So, You're not sitting there watching hours and hours of classes. Nobody has time for that right now, but you could listen while you're doing your cooking or packing, right?

<00:02:14> Kayla Levin: and, and be ready to get and get some coaching so we can just, let's just fix whatever these issues are so you don't have to be carrying them from year to year. Wouldn't that be amazing? All right, so that is my offer to you, to come inside and join us for October and work on relationships. I will teach you a completely different way to approach relationships. It is not about communication. That will be enough to just show you that it is not what you've heard before , and it is such a massive relief, and it allows you to really appreciate people that you think right now you will never be able to really appreciate.

<00:02:47> Kayla Levin: So KaylaLevin.com/coaching. In the meantime, I hope you love this conversation with Devora from Adai Ad

<00:02:57> Hi, Sarah Crosky from aade, and I love talking about all things relationship. I'm really excited for today's episode. Today I have K 11. I've been talking about marriage and yif. There's a lot of questions that come into me, I'm sure. Kayla, you get questions too about navigating marriage, yif, stress, family.

<00:03:18> So we have a lot to talk about and I'm really excited about this episode. But first, Kayla, let's talk a little bit about the work that you do. Sure. Okay. So I start, I mean, I, I call myself the Jewish newlywed coach. I, and what I love about the newlywed phase is that it's a whole phase, right? So sometimes we get so focused on working on the marriage, we might have forget that.

<00:03:37> Like there's all this other stuff that comes along with being a newly wed. There's usually new locations, you know, new family members. There's often new jobs, all sorts of new things that come along with it. So as a life coach, I love being able to address all of those different things that are happening.

<00:03:54> Um, and I've been, I run a podcast called How to Glow and also a membership community where we do live coaching calls and there's a support element, a community element inside there, sort of really amazing supportive place for married women, um, really of all ages and stages, but it's all Jewish, married women in there.

<00:04:12> And, um, And I've been doing this for almost 10 years now. So it's just really a huge passion of mine. I really feel that when we as women have, are in that phase that, that's what I call glow, right? Like we're in our glow phase. It literally changes. It's a cultural revolution, right? Like it changes everything.

<00:04:34> It trickles down to our children, it trickles down to our health, it trickles down to our communities, our schools, our shows, everything. So, uh, I'm very passionate about the work that I do. Yeah, and you do some really great work. Some of the po I listened to several of the shows really, really good work. So thank you so much to you.

<00:04:49> Thank you. So, talk about young, and there's so much, um, and so many questions coming into me, and I, I assume that you got some questions as well, and we'll just kind of roll the ball into one topic. Yeah. Let's start with this one. Visiting family. So this, well, sometimes we're visiting our family. And sometimes we're visiting our husband's family.

<00:05:12> Mm-hmm. . Um, let's start with visiting our husband's family. Okay. Right. So much there. So this question, my husband's family is so different from my upbringing. I still can't get used to it. The conversations that they have at the table, the way the food they serve, what the, the schedules. I'm really not looking forward to going to my husband's family.

<00:05:31> F how do we navigate that? Okay, great. So, and, and also please, I mean, I know you have tons of wisdom to share as well, so I am happy for you to jump in wherever you want. Um, I wanna just say, first of all, for all of these questions, it's so important to identify the challenge ahead of time. Right? So much of the time we're like surprised over and over again by the same things.

<00:05:52> Like, I can't believe they start their meals so late. I, I'm starving. It's like you could do it for five years before you finally go, Maybe I should solve for this . Like, because we get, when we get into resistance about like, it shouldn't be like that. Our brains stop being creative. Because we're just resisting the reality of what is, you know?

<00:06:10> Right. If you know, they always do that. As soon as you hear that word always in your mind, it's like, I gotta, I always do it, so maybe I should work around that or work with it. Exactly. Like, what's my strategy here? And even if you need to give yourself like a minute to just kind of like mourn, like, Oh, okay, I'm married into a family that starts the meal a lot later, or that runs their meal this way.

<00:06:31> Like, not what I expected. Now I can move on. Now I can be strategic, right? Like, give yourself a second if you need to. But it's, it's so much more productive than just being in like resistance. They shouldn't be doing it this way. And this is where I get into this concepts called the manual, which is we all walk around with these massive manuals in our heads of like, this is what husbands are supposed to be like and mothers in-law, and this is how a table should be run.

<00:06:56> And we like check 'em with our families. Like, is that normal? Do you think that's normal? Like, you know, we, we, we, we like to confirm our manuals and they always sound really, really realistic and fair and logical and they're so bad for us. because they just create this like, set of rules. Like one thing my husband loves to tell me, he's always like, Kayla, there are literally no rules other than haha,

<00:07:21> But you love to make rules everywhere. I think women do, right? Women we like to say this is how it's supposed to be cuz we're trying to be good enough. And that's, that's one of the ways that we try to do it, right? Yeah. And so then we turn it in the situation we're like, it shouldn't be like this. This is what it's supposed to be like.

<00:07:36> And one of the tools that I love to teach is to identify that manual. To say, okay, I guess my quote unquote ideal sha table experience looks like this. You know, like one of the things that comes in a lot is this father-in-law never helps the mother-in-law ma, that makes me think I'm gonna be the slave to my husband.

<00:07:54> But my father was very helpful in the kitchen. He always helped clear when she cooked or whatever the thing is, right? Or vice versa, right? And, and to just identify like, this is my rule book that I created. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not serving me anymore. because now I'm in a situation and Hasham put me in a situation where things are different and they're going to be different, and they're even, I personally think DF gonna be different in the places that push you personally, right?

<00:08:22> Like whatever you're struggling with with his family, your best friend wouldn't really struggle with that. But what she's dealing with, with her husband's family drives her up a wall, right? Like this is a personal development container here in these relationships, right? And so it's fine that there's struggle.

<00:08:37> It's fine that there's challenge and identifying like, Oh, I have this whole rule book and I'm measuring these people up against my rule book. That's actually where all your negative emotion is coming from. It's not coming from what they're doing. It's coming from you being in this state of like, they should be doing this, but they're actually doing that.

<00:08:56> And all the emotions that come from there. When we are able to just let that go and just be like, Okay, I'm just here with the people. Here's the people doing their thing. We even get curious like, how do they do that? Why do I think they do that? Maybe there's something better about that. Like maybe I'm willing to challenge some of my assumptions, then, you know, maybe you're hungry, but you don't also have that whole overload of like resentment and frustration and whatever else is coming up for you, right?

<00:09:24> So even though your kids may be hungry this way to plan around it, like yes, the meal in your house, it starts at one, let's say, and shell is even over before one. So now we're gonna start cutting the salad at one o'clock, so we're gonna start the meal at two, right? That may or may not seem normal, but if that's what is now, you can control your thoughts about it and then controls your emotions about it and, and your whole, that whole cycle.

<00:09:48> Yeah. So it is, So if your kids are gonna be hungry, then maybe you can make condition on the side, or maybe you could feed them, you know, look before so that they're not hungry, or feed yourself so that you're not hungry. Yeah. And I think what I see happen a lot is like, you know, the woman thinks the meal shouldn't start.

<00:10:07> Like, I love your example. The meal shouldn't start at one o'clock. That's too late. And then instead of strategizing and feeding her kids, she's resentful that she has to ask her mother-in-law how she can feed her kids. Because I shouldn't have to ask. You're doing it wrong in the first place. Right? So now she's like really twisted into a pretzel because now she can't even solve the problem cuz she's so mad that she's even in this situation in the first place, instead of just saying, Hey, they like a one o'clock meal.

<00:10:32> Right? And, and we never are trying to like force, you don't have to force yourself to love it, but there's a big difference between this meal is too late, the people shouldn't do this, this isn't fair. And like this is a little challenging for me. Even that just allows our brain to like, okay, I can loosen up, right?

<00:10:48> I can, I can start looking for some other solutions, right? Um, so yeah, and then you can say like, okay, this is a challenge and you know what? Maybe I have to talk to my mother-in-law about. Love having the meal with you. These guys are gonna need to eat by 12 o'clock. What do you think we should do? Right.

<00:11:04> And then of course, it's not always the mother-in-law. Sometimes it is like the men just sit around or not, or hang out and show or not, or whatever they're doing. So it's not only her, so there's maybe other people. So it's just, it is what it is. And especially those who, what I've heard people say, I hate going so three weeks in advance, they're hating to go and they're, you know, because the meals are gonna be so late because the meals gonna be so wild or so quiet or so fancy or so, so, so much to eat or not enough to eat.

<00:11:34> It just is. Yeah. And if there's, you know, if you have a challenge with having too much food at your, or you know, too fattening or whatever it is, figure out your plan. You have weeks in advance to figure out your plan. So like it's, it is, yeah. And like you said, sometimes it's like, maybe, maybe what the thing is is that it's unpredictable, but then you get to be the predictable element.

<00:11:56> Right. Right. If you, if you, like you said, like if you have a plan, if you take some time to strategize, Well, especially if you know in advance, like what I was seeing is like, Oh, I hate, uh, I can't even think about going in three weeks from now. So now you extended it instead of extending your plan, making a plan, and then picking it up in three weeks from now.

<00:12:14> Right. Instead of just having like two hours of being hungry and having cranky kids, you have three weeks of misery and resistance and frustration. Like, and even worse when you about afterwards, and then it's like, who's ruining eiff for you right now? They're not ruining eiff. You're ruining eiff when you're doing that and we all do it and it's totally normal and human, but we wanna catch ourselves doing it because it doesn't serve us at all and none of us show up our best when that's where our heads.

<00:12:41> Right. Cause I was, same thing going to our, going to our in-laws and let's say we only see them once a year or once every few years. And my husband wants to hang out with his, with his family, and I need his help. So how can I tell him that I need his help? Talk. Let's talk to that a little bit. Yeah. Yeah.

<00:13:02> Um, I think it's very easy for us as women to get into desperation when we don't, we aren't home, right? And when we have little kids and like, we're not in our normal environment and some women are super, I have a one friend, she's so common and confident in like every situation and I've never seen her do it, but most of my friends we're like, What do we do?

<00:13:21> And so I think the first thing was to just really try and get yourself to a place of like, what do I really need from him? Right? Because otherwise what happens is if I think I need his help and I'm not gonna get it, we're gonna start asking for everything. We need us help with everything. I need you to hold the baby so I can get up and go wash a dime.

<00:13:38> Like every little thing is gonna need his intervention. And at a certain point, most people, like your husband's going to be like, Okay, like I need to start making the call about what she needs my help for, because this is crazy. She's just being completely helpless. Right? But it comes from this overcompensation.

<00:13:54> If my brain believes I'm not gonna get the help I need, I just immediately start clamping down on trying to get all the help. Right? Right. And so then I'm gonna go overboard. And so if you start in the beginning by just thinking like, what are the things that are really gonna be, you know, the high ticket items that my husband could do to really help me, and it might not be helping with the kids.

<00:14:12> It might be, can you be home 15 minutes before the meal? So I can just go be by myself in the room and then show up to the meal, like feeling like a person, you know, or whatever, you know, whatever version it is, figure out what's that high ticket item that's gonna really, you know, carry a lot of weight for you.

<00:14:28> And then you can tell 'em in advance, Here's the things that I need. But then I, I mean, I like to think. We can go into this feeling like a victim, like, Oh, he's gonna be with his friends. He's not gonna have time. Or we can go into it and be like, I'm giving this, I wanna give this experience to my husband.

<00:14:42> I'm taking one for the team right now. Like I, Yes, this is harder for me than it's gonna be for him. Right? And a happy husband is a very good thing for you and a very good thing for your family. And so when we can be in that place, and I don't wanna guilt trip anyone, if you legitimately Tim Kipper and your nursing and the rough said he needs to stay home so you can be on the couch, that that's not what we're talking about, right?

<00:15:03> We're not talking about situations where you legitimately need him, but when you're in, you see yourself kind of in that graspy energy to just be able to step back, be like, Here's what I really need. I can articulate that to him and then I can empower myself that I'm really proud of myself for doing this for my husband.

<00:15:21> Like give yourself that credit instead of just going through it, doing it anyway, but feeling terrible the whole time that you're a victim and this isn't not what you wanted yen to look like. And again, like resisting that reality. But also to add to that, if he really is going to his family once every few years, that he should kind of soak in a little bit more of his family energy and yes, allow him to, and even encourage him if he's gonna do it anyway, because it's good for him, instead of saying, Okay, if you need to but invite, or I figured out what we're gonna do, I'm gonna have the kids do this, this, whatever, so that you can go out with your friends.

<00:15:55> Cause anyway, not gonna have his, have him his help during those hours, gift it to him rather than being resentful or like, okay, go. So I think that's really, anyway, so it's all of the attitude and your thought around it, but recognize that he, he, and we could flip the question around the other way and maybe we should do that right here, is like, you're finally going to your family and you wanna have time with your family.

<00:16:20> But then you have your husband that wants some of your time and attention. He's in a new place. He doesn't know the people in show, it's hard for him. So let's talk to that now. Yeah, yeah, for sure. So I've got two main things about this. The first thing is let it be just like you said, let it be a gift from him.

<00:16:38> And there's a way that you let it be a gift. Meaning if he feels like you are taking your time with your family from him and that what what will often happen is we feel guilty for taking the thing that we want. And so then we don't really show them how happy it made us because we're trying to play it down cuz we kind of feel bad about it.

<00:16:54> Then he doesn't score any points for all this sacrifice that he made in the first place. Right? Right. And what he really wants, even if it's not what he's saying to you, like men are so fed by making their wives happy, it means so much to them. So if you can say to him in advance, There is this part of me that gets fed when I'm around my family.

<00:17:13> It's, it's so, you know, beautiful. It means so much. It energizes me in a different way. If there's, you know, can I do this? Can I, whatever the thing is you want, can I go for a walk with my mother in the afternoon after lunch and leave you with the kids or whatever, you know, and let him know what that is going to give you.

<00:17:30> Like what will that provide for you when he does that? And then after the fact, let him see you happy about it. Right? Celebrate that he did that. Thank him for it. Be excited about it because o otherwise we're short changing him, right? We're short changing him. Of all those points that he just got. And I, I also wanna say on the other side of that, I just had a podcast episode recently, which got a ton of feedback called When your husband is Struggling and.

<00:17:56> So often our husbands will tell, I, I got a lot of these conversations like, you know, with YF coming up or time with family and say like, Oh, my, my husband has a hard time being with my family and then I feel guilty about it. And then, you know, I don't know, maybe we just shouldn't go. Like she's already asking the whole plan because he's expressing it.

<00:18:12> And the thing is, just because he's saying it's hard for him doesn't mean he's telling you we shouldn't go. He might just be letting you know, in a, in fact, he might even be letting you know, like, Look, I'm doing this for you. This is hard for me and I'm willing to do it. And so it's really important that we don't like, immediately take on the guilt.

<00:18:30> Cuz again, then we'll go back to that place of like not being excited and, and there's no benefit really at the end of the day. Like, why should he go sacrifice and be initial where he doesn't know anyone if you look miserable afterwards cuz you're giving yourself a guilt trip. Maybe I should never have brought my husband here.

<00:18:44> Right. Um, so what we, we need to do on the side of your husband is struggling is the, the phrase I like to use is space and love. I'm giving you space to have your experience. I don't need to rush in and fix this for you. I'm not your mother. If you said you think we should go to my parents, I respect you enough to take you at your word.

<00:19:06> I don't think that you said it, but you really were hoping that I wouldn't know none of that. Right. Men communicate what they mean. They are very honest creatures. So if he says, We are, you know, I'm fine, We're gonna go to your parents. And then two days later he says, It's really hard for me. I don't like dominating at that show.

<00:19:20> Don't start changing the plan to go to your parents. Right? He's just letting you know what he's gonna have to deal with. So space means I respect you, I respect your decisions, and I respect you enough to know you're gonna work this out in the way that you need to. You'll find the solutions. And the love means I'm not checking outta the relationship to do that.

<00:19:36> Right? Like I'm still here, I'm still giving you love, but I have to work on tolerating the discomfort it brings up for me when I see him struggling. Right? Right. And that's my work to do. That's not his work. He doesn't need to be happy so I can be okay. Right. So like, so I know some people try to bring their husband into the conversation or try to make lots of introductions so that they're not feeling so new in, in a new community, which is nice, but if he doesn't wanna have those introductions mm-hmm.

<00:20:05> Then really understand your intention. Is it so that you don't feel uncomfortable that you brought him here? Or is it really someone who you may find interesting? And so really, and we can talk about it. Would you like me to, to introduce you to some people in Shell? Would you like my father to introduce you, you know?

<00:20:22> Mm-hmm. . Oh, and just, and then validate of course that Yeah. It was a different kind of, she, especially for men, the DA could be so different from what they're used to and you can just talk about it and be curious and how was it different rather than, I'm so sorry that I slept you to the show or defensive.

<00:20:39> Yes. Maybe your she do is too fast. Maybe it's good to do or just be open minded this year. , Yeah. You can listen to when he's expressing his feelings about the show and the ing or the community or whatever, just listen to understand how he ticks. Right. You know, it doesn't have to be personal. It's not, it doesn't have, you don't have to do anything about it.

<00:20:58> His opinion can just be a little window into like what he prioritizes, what he likes. It, it's not, he's not making you do anything. And sometimes we like get, again, we, we wanna jump in, we wanna do all those things. Yeah. And I mean, there's so many solutions when you really understand the intention behind what's going on for him.

<00:21:16> Maybe there is another show that he doesn't like that show that your father goes to when he can go to another show in the community if there is one. And that goes to, you know, talking to your father about, he doesn't have to go to our show. You know, he can go to where this show of a younger cover that maybe he knows two people there.

<00:21:32> That there's all kinds of things. When you understand, when you understand the intention behind what's really going on for. Not that, not just that he's uncomfortable, but what is he uncomfortable about? Is it the Noosa? Yeah. Is it the speed, Is it the he? Is it that he's gonna just sit next to his father-in-law who he doesn't really know or doesn't love so much?

<00:21:48> You know, like all kinds of things. So when you understand the why, you can come up with much more creative solutions. So the conversations are important to have as early as possible so that you can be, be creative and not have to think in the spur of the moment. Yes. So I, and I, one of my clients gave me a visual that I use all the time now.

<00:22:04> I love it so much. She says it's, it's like the clients, Sorry, the the couple is on one side of the boardroom table and the problems on the other, right? So you visualize like, okay, it's not like I've got this problem. I have a husband who doesn't like my family's soul. That puts you on opposite sides of that table, right?

<00:22:21> Negotiating with each other. What you want is like, okay, here's me and my husband. Here's husband's uncomfortable at s Schul. Okay hun, what are we gonna do about it? What tools do we have at our disposal? Who can we talk to? It completely shifts our energy. And again, like we're not swooping and trying to fix it, and we like, we can hear, we can be open to hear what you're saying, like what exactly is the problem?

<00:22:41> You know, have you come up with any solutions because we're in a head space of this is about partner. Problems are not a problem. Like we know that there's gonna always be something to, to figure out, and that's okay. It's totally fine, but it's on the other side of the border and table. We're dealing with this as a couple.

<00:22:57> Right. I love that. I love that metaphor. I also use it a lot also. It's like, and I shift it a little bit. It's like, not my way and your way, it's what's a third way or what's our way or new way? Mm mm-hmm. . So this is like, your way is wrong. Like, no, that's has years of perspective and years of experience that got him to think that way.

<00:23:16> So it's a wonderful opportunity to get to know him better. Like what is his way and why is it his way? So, so many opportunities for conversation. Yeah. Hundred percent. A little bit to the overbearing mother-in-law. Okay. Or the, Or let's put overbearing. And can we put together the one who asks too many questions to the same conversation?

<00:23:37> Okay. Yes. Like no boundaries. Is that this one? Or you wanting No boundaries. No boundaries. No boundaries is a very. Popular phrase. So I'm gonna start with that one, but make sure we come back to overbearing cause it's a little different. No, yeah, yeah, definitely different part. We wanted to roll them into one if possible, but Yeah.

<00:23:55> And then break the part. So, So the thing with boundaries, first of all, the thing with like no boundaries is that, again, our brains can be like really literal. So if I say like, This woman doesn't have boundaries, I'm, it's almost like I'm acting as if there's really obvious boundaries that everyone agrees to and she's just blowing through them.

<00:24:13> Sorry, I just hit my microphone. Right. And that's not true. People disagree completely about boundaries. I mean, people used to sleep in one room, houses with their children in the room with them all in one room. Today would be like, That's weird. That's no boundaries, right? That's how people survived in different countries.

<00:24:31> I mean, there's so many reasons that boundaries are a mental construct. There are not an actual rule book that everyone agrees on. It goes just back to the manual that we talked about before. Right? Right. And so boundaries are when you need, There are times where you need a boundary if your mother-in-law walks into the guest room without knocking first, right?

<00:24:49> You might need a boundary. That boundary might be you lock the door, right? A boundary is something that I create. It's not something that I tell you you need to follow. Okay? And the boundary doesn't start existing until a person runs into the wall, and I maintain the boundary. Okay? So when I tell someone, This is my boundary, I'm gonna be locking the door.

<00:25:11> When I go into the guest room, obviously you need to say this in an appropriate way and you need to, right, But let's just use this as an example. So then when she comes and she goes to open the door and the door doesn't open, now she knows this is a real boundary, right? Someone starts asking you questions.

<00:25:27> Let's say your, your parents start asking questions as your husband got a job yet. Cuz like I always thought that he really wasn't serious about getting work, right? Sorry, my bo I'm not gonna discuss my husband's employment with you guys cuz I don't think it's really in the best interest of my marriage.

<00:25:40> I love you so much. Great. The boundary wasn't created yet. It's the next time they say, I'm really worried about you. That's why I wanna find out cuz I really don't think he's serious about work. I think there's something with him and you go, I have to leave the room now cause I'm not able to have this conversation with you.

<00:25:55> Let me know when we can talk again. Right? In the moment where we establish, when we maintain the boundary, that's where it exists and we have to choose where it is. And a lot of it is in sort of the first thing we talked about, not being so emotionally reactive that we need everyone to behave the right way.

<00:26:11> Right. People can say a lot of things to me and I don't need to set boundaries because I'm taking responsibility for my own response to it. So at the end of the day, we don't really need so many boundaries. But I, I did just wanna say that about boundaries cuz I think it's like a very confusing concept now that's like one of these pop psychology things that everyone kind of thinks that they know but they don't really know and then they really use it not to their favor, right?

<00:26:33> Cause how can you feel comfortable with a mother-in-law that you're walking around thinking she has no boundaries and no boundaries is a huge word. She maybe crosses in this place or you know, it's one thing you are comfortable boundary and she disagrees. No is a huge word and it sets the whole tone and the whole relationship as opposed to just this one space or these three spaces.

<00:26:54> Yeah, a hundred percent. It's a huge mindset shift to just be like, there's this one couple areas where we're struggling with agreeing on that and we can work it. Hundred percent. Yeah. So overbearing. So what do you, what do you mean specifically? Like she's giving a lot too much advice or She's very involved.

<00:27:11> Yeah. Look, she's telling me how the, how to raise the kids or what to feed the kids or, or when it comes across as I'm doing it wrong. Mm-hmm. , you know, she may or may not be saying that explicitly or even implicitly, but I'm feeling that. So yeah, she must be, she's doing something wrong cause she's making me feel that way.

<00:27:34> Yeah. I say this with love for anyone who's experiencing this, but it bothers us when it's hitting our own insecurity.

<00:27:46> That's the truth. If someone were to say to me, I don't think you really love your kids, I'd be laughing. I don't have any insecurity about whether I seriously love my kids. Like I know I love my kids. No question in my mind. Right? But if someone wanted to hit me somewhere, like, you know, maybe you should be more on top of some of their school stuff, I might be like, I think you're right.

<00:28:08> You know, And then it would hit me. And so sometimes the best thing that we can do when we get a lot of that is be like, you're kind of right. You know, the kids should have had a haircut before Yiv. You're right. I, I see where you're coming from on that. Then it's over. Right? Right. When we get defensive, now all of a sudden we've like picked up a weapon and like, now it's between you and me and I can't believe she said that and it's not okay.

<00:28:33> And if it's bringing up some insecurity for me, I could just be like, Yay, you've gotta point there. Now I don't, Does that mean I have to run out and make sure my kids get haircuts before next gen? No. I had a perfectly good reason for what I did, and I might still stand by. It doesn't mean she doesn't have a bit of truth to what she's saying.

<00:28:49> Right, Right. So I think that to add to that is that sometimes. That's like, for example, she wants, she wants to feed the kids very oily foods, which is something you don't have anymore. And she's like, Just get over it. It's just ya let the kids have this, whatever. And so it's against all the rules that you have in your house.

<00:29:12> Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . And she says, and she feeds this to the kids, whether, you know, whether you're there or not, which is two different things, but mm-hmm. . So how do you do about that? Such a great example. I honestly, the first thing I would say is, are you doning about this? Do that first. Starting Askham, could you please help me with my mother-in-law?

<00:29:37> I really want my kids seed healthy food at our house. Could she stumble across some great diet plan or something? Right. Um, that's the first thing that I, I mean obviously that's for everything here, but I think that in that one it kind of helps, it, it, it's also a great mindset shift because it reminds me that like, She's an entity in and of herself, and I cannot control her.

<00:29:59> And if I'm choosing to spend time in her house, that might be part of the reality of what I'm dealing with, right? And so when I remember like, she's a Shelia for me, at the end of the day, she can't create this frustration or this experience for me that I don't want in my life unless a, she wants me to somehow be learning and growing and experiencing this.

<00:30:17> And so if I kind of bring his jump back into the picture there, I think that that can be very liberating. Um, and I'd say on the one hand, it's okay to be frustrated. On the other hand, sometimes as moms we get really, really, really super fixated on the parenting technique or the health thing. And really, at the end of the day, you're doing yourself such a favor if, if there is not a specific health issue involved.

<00:30:44> Or an emotional safety issue. And even emotional safety. You know, like people who are into gentle parenting, which I'm very into, there are gentle parenting leaders who say like, you know, spanking is abuse and I'm sorry, it's not abuse. We have to be so careful with that because you could destroy a child's relationship with their grandparents, you know, And they're kids are very capable of understanding that at softest house we eat oily food and at home we don't.

<00:31:11> And if it's really not gonna have a long term effect, other than them just learning one more rule about how world the world works, which is it's different in different places, which is true, then just let it go. You will only be doing yourself a favor. So to, to add to that one is like a lot of our tive experiences are at night, you know, and putting the kids to sleep on time, then fixated on that rule, versus the kids missing out on tive experiences and yen of memories.

<00:31:39> So even if they're tired and cranky, but they still will remember. Let's say the dancing around the table or whatever happens in Totally. They don't either house your parents', house your house or wherever it is. And now I'm just talking about the difference perspectives of two people. So like sticking to the rule versus the memories.

<00:31:55> And I think it's so important to be flexible as you can, as much as you can. And also plan for it like we spoke about earlier. Plan. Yeah. So either give the kids a nap or plan that the kids will be cranky and you take a nap. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Or an extra, I just went through this of wine or whatever it is, right?

<00:32:15> I just went through this because we live in Israel, which means Friday night, my kids don't wanna go to bed. It's chavis Saturday night. They have to be up from me. Malka, otherwise ksma sand, they're in big trouble. Like literally, this is what they tell me. I can't go to bed , I have to have me. Malka Sunday morning is a normal school day.

<00:32:33> So they go and it's actually their longest day for my girls. So they're in school for the longest day of the week after two nights of being up. Three or four hours later than they are the rest of the week. Wow. Right. And I like went through this and I said, You know what? It's time for me to make a decision cuz every week I guilt trip myself that I didn't figure out what night to put them to bed on time.

<00:32:52> So either I'm accepting that Sundays are a rough day and my kids are gonna be kind of tired at school, but they're getting the chavis that I want them to have. Or I'm accepting that there's gonna be major tantrums when one of those nights I put them to bed earlier and it's gonna take a long time to implement that.

<00:33:08> But I could, I could choose that. I could choose that and I could stand by it. And there's no right answer. I ultimately chose, I'm sticking with chavis. It goes more with my personality style. I tend to be a more like go with the flow type person. I don't wanna be the one who has to step away from the meal and put everyone to sleep.

<00:33:23> Right. But once I made that decision, then when they did have the meltdown, I was able to be like, Yeah, as planned, here's the meltdown. I knew what happened. Yeah. Like, how do I wanna deal with this meltdown? But it's not like it's a surprise. And I also, what it saved me was all the guilt trips I've been giving myself.

<00:33:40> That I was doing it wrong, but now I'm like, no, this was the decision that I made. So it goes again, back to what you were saying before, like this, you know, figure out what the issues are and make the decision ahead of time. And then you'll have so much less drama and you know what you might decide the next time, I actually didn't like that decision didn't work out for us.

<00:33:57> Next time I will put them to bed earlier or I will let them stay up. And that's fine. You don't have to stick with the decision if you get new information, but at least this time you don't need to now go back and beat yourself up cuz you're like, No, that was the decision that I made going with it. These are the consequences I anticipated or, or the decision is I wanna test it and see what, what happens and see how it works for all of us.

<00:34:19> Yeah. And then at least is so much every year too, right? Like one kid gets one year older and now they're taking a GShock nap before Chavez and it's totally different. They're fine. It's not an issue. So it, Yeah. Yeah. And maybe make three, three of side dishes less so you can take a nap with when they are taking a nap.

<00:34:38> Yes. Let's dream, let's dream that one, but, okay. , There's one more, um, thing about mother-in-law that I wanna say, which I found so fascinating. I had someone on the podcast and she actually did her, her master's thesis on the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship. Oh. And it was beautiful. And the, one of the things that I really loved about, um, what she shared was, if you look at the developmental stages of the ty, let's say people are getting married basically within the typical age range.

<00:35:05> Okay? So we're not talking about someone who's getting married for the first time at 60, but you know, a young adult who's getting married and a typical mother-in-law type age. So the developmentally, what a young adult is doing is they need to go through a process of independence, of becoming independent and asserting their independence and showing themselves that they can do it right.

<00:35:27> What is the mother-in-law in developmentally? She's in this beautiful phase of, I've gathered all this wisdom and now I'm compelled to impart it to the next generation. But she's imparting wisdom to people who are trying to assert their independence. So there's a clash developmentally going on between the two.

<00:35:43> And I think it's really what she was like so amazing to me was that the, they asked, you know, mothers in-laws and like both the daughters and the mothers, what are you, you know, experiencing, I think the daughter said something like, you know, she's critic, like she's saying what I should do. And the other ones, it was, it was that the daughters-in-law felt so judgemental to them.

<00:36:00> That's how the mothers in-law felt. They're so judgemental. And that really hit me cuz it, you know, it really made me step back and think like, is that how we're showing up when we see her as being overbearing, that is being judgemental on our side. Instead of saying, here's a woman who's in a, in a phase in life where she's compelled to share her wisdom.

<00:36:21> Is she going to force it down my throat? No. Is she gonna force me to follow it? No. I can still appreciate her perspective. I can appreciate that this is what worked for her. And I can have the humility to say maybe she's right. I know I'm reading the latest parenting books, but she's been parenting a lot longer than I have.

<00:36:40> So if I can have some humility and say like, I don't even know for sure, it's worth it for me to listen and I still get to make my own decisions. But almost to add to that, uh, mother-in-law, mid midlife, and there's a whole bunch of things that are going on for them is trying to find their place in this next space.

<00:36:57> Just understanding that they're, that she's trying to find her place. Just like you're trying to find your place in young adulthood. She's trying to find her place in this next part of her life and just give her space to make mistakes. To say the wrong thing. Just say way that you make mistakes and say the wrong thing.

<00:37:16> So percent. She's a human being. She's not like, I think we sometimes, you know, you look at people in the next phase in life and you're like, Well, you should be perfect by now. , , No. And midlife is, Alife is a tough stage. This a whole other conversation for another time, but it's. It's just as new, uh, newly we is new for you.

<00:37:35> Midlife is new for them. Yeah, for us. Me. That mother-in-law is new. Well, that too, which goes to my next question of tell telling your husband, tell your mother to, as opposed to having the conversation yourself. Mmm.

<00:37:56> Well, I think there's a difference between arguing through your husband or asserting yourself is kind of how it feels like, you know, or maintaining boundaries or whatever. It feels very self righteous and being smart about who should have the conversation. Um, We have been told by several different people that when possible the child should have the conversation if, if necessary.

<00:38:21> And it goes both ways, right? If something needs to be expressed to my parents, it's easier for them to hear it coming from, Actually, I think my parents like my husband better than me at this point. So maybe not you anymore. But for, in most cases, it's easier to hear it from your kid because why there's this lifetime of unconditional love built in, you know, that you just don't have with your, with your, the, the, the children in-law, right?

<00:38:42> So if you're hearing it from them, it can feel a little bit like it's a, you don't have a lifetime of positive deposits in that relationship bank account to, to take a little bit of a withdrawal by having an uncomfortable conversation. So there is something to be said for being strategic about who can say it and how does it work best.

<00:38:58> And you know, I even just like, you know, one of my, my in-laws has a, a, her communication style. My mother-in-law is, her communication style is so different than mine that we often misunderstand each other. And so when technical things come up, I'll ask my husband to explain it to her cuz he's grew up with her as he knows exactly how to.

<00:39:14> You know, make sure she like, are we on the same page? Like he gets confirmation in a way that I'm not able to. So at the same time, it's not your husband's job to protect you from every uncomfortable emotion. And if again, it goes back to this idea of like, are you trying to get him to change them so that you can keep your format of this is how everyone's supposed to operate or can we start to loosen that idea a little bit and say, most adults in my life acted this way.

<00:39:48> Turns out there's another choice. , there's also people who give lots of advice. So there's also people who do talk about politics at the Chavez table, or there are also people who do do in very fast jock or whatever the thing is that, you know, you're like on edge about. This is also a reality. Let me get to a clean, Like I always say, like when you're gonna have a conversation like this, you wanna make sure you're in a clean space.

<00:40:12> If I need you to change, for me to feel better, I have some work to do on myself first, right? And all, every conversation should be a bid for the relationship, not me versus you. So even with your mother-in-law, can I imagine first me and her on the side of the boardroom table and we have this challenge called, My kids need to get fed and I don't like feeding the oily food and you love feeding the oily food.

<00:40:35> How can I see that as something that we are gonna solve together? It might be a lit little more of a mental stretch for you because you didn't marry her. You know, she came with a package, but she's part of a great package and she's the reason that your husband is the guy that he is. And so it's worth it to sort of, You don't have to tell her that you imagined you two as a team.

<00:40:56> You could do it to sort of get yourself into a space where you're more open. You know, I like to say like, the clause are in , you know? Yeah. Like, just physically you're feeling a little bit more grounded and, and ready for that conversation, however it will go. Right. But also what I was talking about, the tone of like you tell your mother is not the way to, not the way to start.

<00:41:16> I mean, it's like you kept talking using the word strategy. We have this issue, or I have this issue. Um, what is the best way to bring it up? Or should I just swallow it as part of this is what it is, or surrender to it and this is just what it is, but talk it through. Without that anger, without the emotion of your mother is driving me crazy, you have to tell her and maybe, you know, So don't put him between you and his mother as much as possible.

<00:41:46> Yeah. It's not put him in a very, It's not his fault. He can't control her either. Right. Like your husband's not responsible for it and. Most of the time, like there might even be an overreaction happening anyway, but even if there's not, even if you're totally justified, what now you wanna also add that to your relationship with him.

<00:42:04> Right? He's your That was my point of that. Just remember that. Yeah. Don't put him in that space. If he doesn't need to be in that space, there's enough times that you're gonna need him in that space. I don't to kind of buffer that, don't put 'em if it doesn't need to be. Like, And I'll add to that, it's very hard for the majority of people to hear their parents criticized.

<00:42:23> They know their parents so true. They know their parents' shortcomings. No one wants to hear it. And you know, if you can, if you absolutely need to get, you know, if you, if you're, you know, you're gonna be spending a lot of time with your in-laws and they really are pushing all your buttons and you don't have the time to completely get yourself into a self coached place and be in a great, you know, head space for it.

<00:42:45> You could, you know, as far ask your love. But the way I understand it is you could designate one person to be the person say, I want to ultimately have a good relationship with these people. Can you be the person that I talk to so that I don't go to my husband, I don't wanna be complaining to him. Can I talk to you?

<00:43:01> But I want you to remember that the goal is the relationship, the goal. Even though I might sound like I'm bashing them, bring me back to relationship. Bring me back to, you know, hold me to that standard. Have a friend on call, Who's that person? And if you choose the one person, then you're not gonna go around, you know, fetching to the entire world about, you know, Right.

<00:43:21> This family, all your friends know that you don't get along with your mother-in-law, then you've done too much fetching. Yeah. . And the truth is, when you do that much fetching, you actually building the story. And Exactly. Sometimes, sometimes when you do the fetching and you hear yourself, it's not much of a story.

<00:43:37> Sometimes some of us are actually EMD to make it a story now that I'm doing the fetching. So attention. So just kinda really, really shortchange yourself of a really special relationship. So maybe I've been married for 13 years. My relationship with my in-laws is very different than it was when I was first married.

<00:43:57> Very different than it was 10 year, like three years ago, I would say. Right. And, and I get to benefit from that relationship because I kept working on it and I kept, you know, holding that goal of like, this is what it's gonna be one day. You know? And I'm sure your kids are also benefiting from it, right?

<00:44:14> You can come over more often in a better place and better head space. Yeah. And, and people that have more family support do better, you know, that's like another piece of it. And even if that family support is a zoom call, even if, you know, they don't live in the, in the neighborhood. So, So you know, that's another downside of like telling the whole world how it doesn't work is that you get yourself so stuck in the story that now you just wrote the.

<00:44:36> Right. Instead of, Okay, chapter one was bumpy and chapter two might have been also chapter 45. You know, whatever. It doesn't matter, . But the end of the story is gonna be that we work it out. Whether it's just a place of acceptance. You can, you can love flawed people. People don't have to be perfect for you to love them.

<00:44:55> That is literally the definition of unconditional love. My love for you doesn't have condition. Right. You can be upset and still love, or, Yeah. And you can hold two at the same time. Exactly. Right. Ok. Sifting away from family, just a little bit about the NF as being a mother and not of being able to be sure the way you used to.

<00:45:17> There's a lot of people who talk to that. Yeah. And they're having a hard time accepting that their role is now with the kids and the meals, as opposed to being in show, like we were taught in high school seminary. So everyone's heard the story of, you know, the king is babysitter, comes to the king, you know, on the coronation day to ask for something.

<00:45:39> And he says, What you're supposed to be with my children? What are you doing? Right? So that works for some people. It doesn't work for others. One really interesting thing that I've found with some people is that they feel bad that they prefer it, right? Like, I should wanna dive it all day long. I should.

<00:45:58> So first of all, allow yourself, you're allowed to enjoy this phase. You're allowed to say, You know what, It was so inspirational. It was so lovely. And also, my feet don't have to hurt from standing in pointy shoes all day long, right? Like, you, you get to, to, to enjoy the phase that you're in. That's a possibility.

<00:46:16> It doesn't make you less from, doesn't make you less spiritual to say, I'm going to. And I think for some people just opening up, that could be enough saying you, yes, of course your life has been expressed spiritually in this way. But this is what's best for you now, and it's okay if that becomes an exploration for you.

<00:46:36> It's okay if you don't know what that looks like. And for most of us, we're so highly distracted and busy that a rash ashana where everyone's doning for a long time and you're alone with your kids, means you might be alone with your thoughts for the first time, like in a year , or at least several months.

<00:46:56> Right. And that's really important discomfort because when we don't ever have time to hear ourselves, that's when we don't find the problems that we need to solve. That's when we don't hear what's going on for us. We're not in touch. Right. There's a lot of exploration in just being with your kids, with no phone around, no podcast playing, you know?

<00:47:22> No, she like, there's no, nothing is changing right now. You're just sort of. You are. And, um, I know personally for me, like the idea of, um, that yo kiper just ha I had a baby era of yo kiper, so I was in the hospital munching away, like completely, like there's not, you don't do anything. It was within a couple hours.

<00:47:44> And, and I just remember thinking the whole time like, Yo Kiper is happening to me. Right. Wow. That's, that's so interesting. And it just allowed me to like, let go. Like I, listen, I spoke to my rub. I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. I knew exactly what was allowed. And so it's just happening to me. My job is just, this is my job.

<00:48:04> My job is to be here and to make sure that I recover and to eat and whatever the thing is, you know, make sure I'm drinking enough and the baby's okay. So it's just gonna happen to me because my participation is. And that also know yourself what you like to do with that time. For some people they would rather, they would like to read a share or they would like to contemplate on a specific feela.

<00:48:26> Now that we have a few days left, uh, before enf, you can actually look at, there's so much that you can read if so many good reflection questions like what do I want my ear to be like? What do I have to continue doing? What should I stop doing? What should I start doing? Let's have some the question that you might wanna ask yourself and not be afraid of that alone time.

<00:48:49> Yeah. But also don't sacrifice your kids the crying and screaming so that you can dive in. Like just keep that balance, but no one advance what you're gonna do. Yeah. And then be flexible. Cause it's probably not gonna be exactly what you planned anyway. Yeah. Sort of like having the resources available if the opportunity presents itself.

<00:49:07> Right. Yeah. Hand also be okay with the table being late. Maybe that's how your mother-in-law ended up starting for table late because the kids, the reality and then just, and then people like to schoo, like just go kind of circling back to bed. So it's okay if your table's not set when the meal is, starts when the people come home from show.

<00:49:27> Mm-hmm. , if that's what has to be, you know, you could play differently. You could set the table before, you know, have, have the kids who are going to, she set the table before. There are, there's so many creative ways. If you actually find that out to be super important, then be creative about it. Bring your husband and the kids into the conversation.

<00:49:45> Yeah. Doesn't always have to be the mother who has all the solutions or does all the work. Right. Right. So, and I think just having in mind, like with each meal, what is one thing that I'm doing to make this easier on myself, Right? So like, maybe I'm just gonna bring out bottle bottled water instead of.

<00:50:02> Having to fill the picture or I'm doing disposables or you know, whatever the thing is, just sort of like have that as part of your mental checklist. What's the one thing that makes this a little bit easier? If you're home with kids? Right. And sometimes that will cost and that's part of it's, you know, you know, whether it's a babysitter or it's disposables or it's pre bought, some fancy dish.

<00:50:25> Just pre buying instead of making it to yourself. Yes. Yeah. There's no, again, there's no manual. Right. There are no rules. And I've recently had this new thought, which I'm absolutely loving, which is I, I've started saying like, that's for soft a time. Like whenever I come across like a gorgeous tablescape, I'm like, Ugh, I'm totally gonna be the softer with a tablescape.

<00:50:46> Oh, oh, you're gonna be the softer, ok. I'll be the softer with a tablescape. Yeah. Right. I wanna have like warm homemade muffins in my house when I'm a softer . Right now I've got five kids, one of them's three months old. It's time for me right now, but it doesn't mean I have to say I'm not that person and I'll never be that person.

<00:51:04> I just get to say like, that's on my, like, you know, my vision board for what's gonna be like in my house. Then just to say that if you get, some, people get triggered by seeing all those beautiful tables that people share on social media, if you get triggered, then just don't, just don't look at them. Get off.

<00:51:20> Cause some people really have the time or the talent and the money to make those beautiful things, but most of us don't. Those are not real. I mean, they, they are real people, but they're not the average person with our average schedule. So, Yeah. And the reason that you don't, someone just, my best friend just said this to me recently and it was such a paradigm shift.

<00:51:40> So I was saying something about time and why something about my house wasn't running the way that I wanted it to run. And she said, Yeah, because you've said yes to a lot of really, really big things in your life and that means you're saying no to having your house look the way that you want it to look.

<00:51:56> And I was like, Oh, the reason we're in the schedule and the time situation that we're in is because of decisions that we made. And they might be decisions that we love. Like I love the decisions that I made about having the business that I have and helping the women that I help. And that means that if I wanna spend time with my children and my husband house is not Marie Condo ready, Right?

<00:52:19> And that's a decision I can stand by. So when I go back and sort of reflect on like why am I, you know, most people with young children wanted those young children, right? So instead of saying like, I can't believe I don't have time, I should be able to do this, or I wanna be able to do this, be like, No, I love my choice to have young children right now.

<00:52:39> And that means this isn't the phase for Tablescape, maybe. Or maybe that's really important to me and I'm gonna make really simple dishes so that my table can be beautiful cuz that's what it meant. That matters more. That's fine. We, we each get to choose. But find, you know, if you see, sort of see that decision, it can give you a much more empowered perspective on, well, even from your priorities.

<00:52:58> Yeah. Some people it's the tablescape. For some people it's the healthy food. For some people it's the family and there's, and it could be all ends. Some people have the time and the, some people can just do these things quickly, but that's them. There's something else that they're not doing that you, that you can do.

<00:53:12> And some, some people would love to have a baby right now and they don't have that baby right now. And they're using that time to be artistic. I'm not saying everyone with the tablescape is in that situation, but that is also a reality, right? Not everyone wants the time to be able to patch in the kitchen, but some people have it so they could use it.

<00:53:31> Yeah. And that's, you know, that's beautiful, but don't get triggered by it. That point is like maybe two days before YouIf, which is busy enough as it is. Like just don't go on social media except to listen to the podcast. This one, this recording, just this one. . You can just play it while you, while you get your stuff done.

<00:53:50> All right. Uh, I think we have one more question. Mm-hmm. about, uh, talking to your parents on behalf of your, of your spouse, like how to listen to his concerns in the same way you want him to listen to yours, but how to deal with that. Okay. So we have to start back with, most people don't like to hear things about their parents, right?

<00:54:16> So it's normal if it's hard for you, and just notice if you immediately wanna get defensive or you immediately wanna make him like wrong for having that problem, or you're immediately mad at your parents for putting him in that situation, right? Like any kind of like urgent reaction is something that we can kind of just like take a step back, like, Okay, what just went on for me right there?

<00:54:40> He's giving me information. I love all the people involved. We can find a solution, right? Just try to like, sort of talk yourself back into that more grounded place, because most of the time nothing's urgent. And when we feel like it's urgent, that's usually a good red flag that like, I'm, I've got a whole story about this, that this is shouldn't be happening or it's not okay, or there's a big problem here.

<00:55:04> Um, it can also be very hard to go through that transition of, you know, mommy and daddy's girl to now he's the main deal in my life, right? This is the guy that, but it is, he is your main guy, right? He is the main relationship in your life now. And this is the kind of thing that can solidify that right being, having an uncomfortable conversation because that's what's best for your husband.

<00:55:32> That's what he needs from you right now. More than anything shows you that that's where your priority is, right? And that's a huge benefit for you. And so I guess I just wanna say it's okay if it's uncomfortable. Nobody has to be wrong, right? Like, you don't have to make anyone wrong that this is happening cuz it's normal and it's normal to be uncomfortable with it.

<00:55:53> And it's so worth it because what you're doing, again, it's a bid for the relationship and know that ultimately difficult conversations serve relationships, Boundaries are good for relationships. Honesty is good for relationships. If it's done from a place of love, right? Pretending everything's okay, ultimately creates resentment.

<00:56:15> And so when you're just, you know, pushing all these people into the C pot, they're gonna have to like get to know each other, They're gonna have to navigate each other and nothing's gone wrong. If you need to go and, and sort of run interference a little bit, that's being said. Sometimes your husband may actually have a new perspective that's.

<00:56:33> Just because your family has been doing it for all your life, maybe he does have something to share and you don't have to run into fair, so you can actually understand his way and bring it into your new life, rather than just always saying, I have to, I have to fix this. Maybe there's a, Or like, just for an example, if you're going back to the example with your fa, your father, your father wants just his son-in-law, your husband, to dive him with him.

<00:56:59> And he absolutely doesn't want to. Instead of saying that you, you know, you have to, or I wanna tell my father to leave you alone. Like maybe there's ways to understand a whole new perspective and a whole new way of being. It doesn't have to be the way your parents raised you or, So there's, I think there's a lot wonderful option for conversation.

<00:57:17> Yeah. And learning. And maybe you won't have to go to your parents, not, not so that you don't go to your parents or maybe there isn't really nothing to go to your parents about once you understand whatever it is. Yeah. I mean, I thought you were specifically asking if your husband asked you to go to them, but yeah, you're right.

<00:57:31> Like if there's something going on between your husband and your parents, that's going back to the space and love idea. Like, I don't need to come and rescue everyone. If I need to rescue everyone, that means everyone's a victim. That means they're not capable of taking care of this themselves. Right. I have to remind myself, like my husband is a very competent person.

<00:57:50> He survived all the way up until the HPA without me somehow. Right. He managed his life until I showed up so he could continue to manage his life. And it's okay if I'm seeing him struggle with it, but sometimes we have to struggle to figure things out and that's not a problem. So yes, a hundred percent.

<00:58:07> Like we don't need to come in. And, and I love your, your perspective of like, he can be adding something new to this relationship and this family and our family's way of seeing things because that can put us in such an open and grounded place that now your parents aren't also worried that you don't seem, Okay.

<00:58:23> Right. Right. That's super important. Well, that's something else that the parents, some parents are actually looking for. How is my kid acclimating to marriage? Especially earlier, like, and so, you know, some things you could figure out yourselves without bringing it to your parents' attention because sometimes it doesn't need your parents' attention.

<00:58:39> Not just automatically I have to tell my parents or I talk to my parents about it, but maybe there's something that we can work out for between ourselves. Yeah. And I have one more thing. Great. When your parents do something that upsets you and you run to your husband, you ask for his support, and, and in that same conversation, maybe we can talk about if your husband says something about his parents, do you agree with him or do you try to show them, show him their, the family's perspective?

<00:59:13> Such a good question.

<00:59:18> I think it depends a little bit on where it's coming from. Like my husband's complaining about his parents, and I'm like, Well, you shouldn't feel that way because da da da. They're really good people. And it's kinda like, What, what was that about? Like why did you need him? Why did you need that to go away so much?

<00:59:37> He made a decision to talk to you about something. Right. And again, going back to that urgency, right? Like, do I need him to stop? Why? Um, and can I like leave the space for him to, okay, he's decided, he wants to have this conversation with me. I can hear it. I can of course, in the same time say this is him a unique individual with his relationship with them.

<01:00:02> It might not be relevant to my relationship with them, to who they are as people. Right. I can keep that, you know, Donna cost plus for my in-laws as he's complaining about it. But, you know, our parents are a big part of our life and I think there's, you know, Understanding our experience with our parents is gonna play a big picture in terms of understanding each other, in terms of how we parent, how we want a parent, how, you know, how we show up in relationships, the modeling that we had, you know, about what marriage is supposed to look like.

<01:00:38> And so I think to expect like that we never have any conversation about our parents. I could be wrong. I, I feel like that's unrealistic. I think it informs so much about who we are. At the same time, a bash fest, I like to say like, you know, complaining or lush and hara, it's, it's like secondhand smoke. You don't want it in your house, right?

<01:01:00> Right. So if there's no point of it, then why are you polluting your relationship with all this negativity? That's not even about the two. Sometimes there's to vent, like, and then you can ask, do you want, you want solutions? Do you want vent? Like what do, what do you hope to get out of this conversation?

<01:01:16> Better yet, if you're the one who wants to vent or you want solution, you can say what you will hope to get outta the conversation. That's a great tool. Like this is what I, I think especially for women talking to men, because so often when we complain to our husbands, they rush in with solutions because they think that that's what we're there for.

<01:01:32> Cuz that's usually what they're looking for. And if we can just say like, I literally just have so much. In my head right now that if I can just say it, like I know, I feel like it's, it's, it's so crammed in here that I, and it's not necessarily about people. So it's just be about my situation, my life, my day.

<01:01:49> I'll just be like, if I could just download all of this to you, then it won't be in my head. In my head, we'll function again. So the solution you're offering is just to listen. You don't have to fix anything. You don't have to solve anything. You don't have to remember even what I said, . I just need to outta here and over here into the ether, and then he knows exactly what role he's playing and how he can help me in that situation.

<01:02:10> So I love that you're offering that tool. Like what, And the other thing, going back to by husband complaining about his parents to agree with him and say how, you know, your parents are so stupid, whatever made bad, you know, it's not, also not in the best place because. Agree. And the lady, he's gonna forget what happened and he's gonna only remember that you don't, you don't like his parents.

<01:02:35> Right. So it's mostly, in my perspective, it's mostly just validating and listening. Yeah. And a lot of listening because unless he wants a solution, but agreeing with him about something that his parents had negatively is not gonna be good for the relationship in the end, maybe in that moment or even more so not only his parents but his siblings or whatever it is.

<01:02:58> Cause parents is one thing, like you said, people don't wanna hear bad about their parents, but the siblings are ready to accept a little bit more. Mm-hmm. . But even so to agree that his brother is a bad person. Right. Or did a bad thing. Two different things also, but something that's just about venting and not agreeing.

<01:03:17> Yeah. Like we don't have to take on the emotions and like also also get angry and also get Right. Like our role is to be supportive. And I think also it, it can sometimes happen where, As a newlywed, because we're insecure with the relationship. We feel like we're in competition. I say we, I'm not a newly weed anymore, but you know, you know, we always have a newly wed, It's always things to learn.

<01:03:38> Yeah, right. So, you know, it's, it's normal. It's, it's common to feel like in competition with these other relationships which are so well established. So be careful if he's complaining about the parents that if there's like a little bit of like glee almost like, see, he's talking to me about how they're not good.

<01:03:54> Like it that's coming from that competitive place. Right. And that's all, like you said, long term picture. Long term picture is you guys are on track for a very long relationship. It will be the most profound and deep and meaningful relationship in either of your lives. That is what is happening. His relationship with his parents is part of it.

<01:04:17> And, and, and ultimately, You're on track for that being a healthy and productive relationship as well. So don't veer off course , right? When you start bashing his parents or you start whatever, like, or you start competing with them, you're veering off course. Like big picture, what are we shooting for?

<01:04:33> That's gonna inform a lot of how you wanna show up now. So I always say using a, what is this for the a out of the relationship for the everlasting of the relationship. So that idea of like something we, we don't have that very clearly on content. We say the wrong thing sometimes and forgive ourselves for saying the wrong thing.

<01:04:53> I mean, here we're talking about ideals, but we will say the wrong thing and we will do it again. But we have to keep trying to do a little bit better. Like sometimes we can reflect on how that conversation went or how that, and say, hmm. I, my thoughts were, this made my feelings, I ended up saying that, and I'd like to be able to control myself better next time.

<01:05:17> Mm-hmm. , and maybe there's an apology that has to be made or some sort of repair. Mm-hmm. . So it's always worth, I think, to worth, especially after a blowout, reflect what happened there, what was my part in it, what could I have done differently? And what was a learning experience there. Yeah. I'm so glad you said that because first of all, you're acknowledging that blowouts happen, , and second of all, like we can be constructive in our response, but if we just go into like, I'm so wrong or he's so wrong, there's no learning.

<01:05:47> We don't get to learn about it. And long term goal is to learn and keep growing as a couple, and learned that for myself as a couple for sure, but also as myself. What did I do here in this particular situation? We can take it also out of the couplehood, just in anything. It's like something goes, What did?

<01:06:05> What happened here? Mm-hmm. . And so I think that's a good way to end. Cause there's so much like the idea of it's not always the other person who's wrong. Sometimes I contributed in some way and what was a learning experience? What can I do differently? So the ENF is so wonderful and there's so much, and I hope that everyone has the most wonderful young Kayla, before we just jump off, can you, I'll give you a website.

<01:06:33> Yes. It's kayla l.com. So k a y l a l e v i n.com. And also, I forgot to say this earlier, but my, uh, newlywed course First Year Married, which I have had hundreds of women go through, is free for anyone in their first six months of marriage. So if they go to cal eleven.com, you'll see, um, like a banner on there called, I think it's called Project Honeymoon.

<01:06:55> Or you can go to cal eleven.com/newlyw and get access to that course. So I also created this book, um, You and your marriage. Cause every morning I send out a relationship tip and I pile about a hundred of them for the, and I sent it out to newly of Corona or and sos of. So this book is still available at our website, a.org/book and you can find it there.

<01:07:21> So I just wanted to mention that. And thank you so much, Cal, for everything. Thank for having me. It's very, I'm glad that you were like, We have to get this, Our women need it before.

<01:07:39> Kayla Levin:

<01:07:39> Kayla Levin: All right my friend. So I hope that was what you needed to hear, what you needed to get a little extra boost before Yiv. I want you to know that whatever you just experienced from that, Conversation is a fraction of what we're able to do inside of my coaching program. I wanna be able to help you take the specific relationship you're struggling with and get to a completely new place with it to come to terms with it, come to peace with it, not accept it, not be resigned to it, but actually be able to show up in a completely different way.

<01:08:07> Kayla Levin: Not using like grow self control or willpower, but to completely change your paradigm around that relationship. You know which one I'm talking about? It's that one that just makes you grit your teeth. We're gonna resolve it this month and I'm so excited to do this work with the women inside the program who are already in there.

<01:08:23> Kayla Levin: I'd Love to have you join us. What we get to do is, because we're coming back to this, the people who have already resolved other relationships get to go on and move on to the next one, and the next one. And you get to keep using this tool over and over again. Make sure you go to KaylaLevin.com/coaching and get in there as soon as possible so you'll be there with us as we work on relationships during the month of October. Can't wait to see you in there. Bye-bye.