Episode 219 - We're All a Package Deal

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When you got married, you didn’t just marry him—you married his personality, his family, his past experiences… the whole package. In this episode, we’re unpacking what it really means to accept our spouses (and in-laws!) as a package deal, and how to shift from frustration to curiosity when things feel hard.

You'll learn:

• Why every middah (character trait) comes with its own pros and cons

• How to handle personality clashes—like chessed vs. gevurah types

• The importance of addressing challenges early to avoid long-term resentment

• A gentle reminder: you’re a package deal too
  

Whether you’re dealing with in-law dynamics or learning to navigate your husband’s quirks, this episode will help you approach it all with more compassion and clarity.

💬 Want to go deeper?

📅 Book a free consult call to explore if private coaching is the right next step for you. 💛 kaylalevin.com/coaching

💍 Just married?  Want to feel confident and connected in shana rishona? Start the First Year Married course now: 👉 kaylalevin.com/newlywed

Transcript

0:00

We have such a tendency to hyper focus on the problem and we're able to pull back and look at the big picture.

0:06

Usually what we're going to say is pretty great picture, right?

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

0:17

I'm certified Coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little

0:27

self-awareness along the way.

Hey friends, no peso.

0:32

First of all, I love love, love the feedback that I got about the last episode with your Pesach challenges, which I think just goes to show how helpful it is when y'all tell me what it is you want

0:44

to talk about here on this podcast.

So I want to really encourage you.

0:48

I'm not hard to find kayla@kaylalevin.com.

If there's something that you want to hear in this podcast, please let me know.

0:54

I love, love to respond to your requests over here and just keep the conversation going.

Want to hear how you guys are doing on your Middos challenge, how those of you who heard wherever the

1:07

kettle and the bird, but I think was like 2 episodes ago, we were talking about upping it with the

medos and the manners inside of our marriages, which is such great alliteration.

1:17

First of all, I'm sucking of all, it's a huge challenge and not necessarily what we naturally focus on, right?

1:23

Which is obviously the point here is to to shine a light and to help us all to focus on the things that might sort of slip our attention when we're too busy thinking about all the other things.

1:35

So I again, would love to hear from you.

We'd love to hear how it's going for you.

1:39

If you're on my e-mail list you got today, as I'm recording this, I guess Monday, this is going to go out on Thursday, a challenge about the big fat smile.

1:52

If you're not on my e-mail list, you are missing a weekly shallow bias challenge.

So get on there again, Kayla levin.com.

1:59

Just put your e-mail in anywhere that I asked for your e-mail except for the content form, and you'll be added to the e-mail list.

2:04

You'll also get my free workbook.

We'll meet each other a little bit.

2:07

You'll tell me a little about what you're working on if you want to, if you want to stay totally private, that's fine too.

2:12

And you'll also be getting the weekly show and bias challenge and doing it.

And I just love hearing from all of you.

2:17

It's just super, super fun.

So you know, sometimes you just got some work to do.

2:22

So Pesach, it was pesach.

My Pesach challenge was not in my list on my episode about pays off challenges.

2:33

It's also, it's funny, I went in those of you who never listened to Raviolosky, and especially he

has this one class that he gives class show, whatever he wants to call it, about living near to

2:44

Israel.

And I listened to it, right?

2:47

I think when we first got married and it's kind of the bug that got in my head about wanting to live here and one and I listen to it like when I need extra physical also.

2:56

But one of the things that he says in that episode, and I'm sure he says that in lots of places is easy is not the same as bad and good and hard is not the same as bad, right?

3:05

Like this.

That's not a direct quote, but that's basically what he's giving over right over and over again is

3:10

we just got this idea that if it's hard, then it's bad.

And so I kind of went into Pesach thinking, I think this is going to be a hard one, but it could

3:18

still be good, right?

It could be hard and good.

3:20

And I don't know if I if I created that reality with that thought or if I was just right.

But that's kind of how it was for me.

3:27

A little hard, a little good, but but good but but a lot of good.

So one thing that came up though is exactly what I want to talk about today.

3:37

So we had this fun experience, fun to some of the people.

The question is that we were going to the zoo.

3:45

I can't even believe it was like the story.

We were going to the zoo and we we got out the door so late and it was the second day of like the

3:53

first days.

So we're Israeli, so we don't, it's not a holiday for us.

3:57

We thought like, let's go today, even though we're not leaving first thing in the morning, which is what we would normally want to do if you're driving into Jerusalem, since all of the Hutznikim

4:05

aren't going to be able to be at the zoo, it won't be so crowded.

So I don't know if we were right.

4:09

What I do know is that traffic was horrendous, and we recommended that we drive through a National

Park to get to the zoo.

4:21

So I thought this was like a funny joke.

It has the problem.

4:25

That's a great idea, right?

And so I did not enjoy this experience.

4:31

We actually didn't.

I won't recommend it to anybody.

4:37

The traffic might have been bad enough, so it's still was worthwhile.

It was not a good idea.

4:42

I'm again, that's my commentary, but it made me think about afterwards.

This isn't something I sign up for.

4:54

I don't sign up for this type of adventure.

I did not enjoy this.

4:57

I like this zoo.

I like taking my kids to different cities in Israel, discovering different things or different

5:02

neighborhoods.

But like this, no.

5:04

I also like hiking, but not in a car.

We were trying to figure out what it's called.

5:08

If it's in a car like a Drake, maybe it's like a drive hike.

It's not a thing.

5:14

It's not a thing, it's not enjoyable.

What's the kids are wondering?

5:18

And at the same time, I'm also able to know that my husband's sense of adventure is part of the

package.

5:30

So the fact that maybe sometimes isn't the adventure that I would sign off for, like this was not

glamping, but also the fact that when I suggest something and he's like, yeah, cool, I'm game.

5:43

It's all part of the same trait, right?

And that's true for all of us and it's true for everything.

5:50

And I'm talking right now about being my marriage.

But we can think about this.

5:54

You could think about this in terms of your husband.

You could think about this in terms of just any of the people that you were dealing with.

6:00

Because today we're talking about how no one is just one-dimensional, right?

Every piece of us has two sides.

6:08

It has its pros and its cons.

And of course, those are subjective because some people would have enjoyed that experience.

6:16

But when we understand that it's two sides of the same coin, then we realize it's just, it's just a

package deal.

6:23

And even more than that, I'll say, but even if, let's say something doesn't have an upside, there's

some quality that you've seen your husband, it doesn't have an upside, it's still just one piece of

6:32

a much bigger picture, right?

And we have such a tendency to hyper focus on the problem and, and when we're able to pull back, and

6:41

this is what I want to help you do this week.

When we're able to pull back and look at the big picture, usually what we're going to say is it's a

6:48

pretty great picture, right?

So the other piece about this is that this really is the time to unpack it.

6:55

So I'm going to make an assumption that many of you just spent the holiday with, well, with your

husband, with extended family, maybe definitely outside of normal structure, a normal schedule.

7:05

This is when we can start to see things spray.

This is when we can start to see things that were normally maybe we noticed it, but it wasn't a big

7:15

tension start to bubble up, start to really bother us.

And that makes this the perfect time to unpack it.

7:22

This this is the time to say, OK, what came up for me over Pesach.

Do not push it back under the rug because if we don't what happens is it ends up becoming an ongoing

7:33

resentment.

OK, so in fact, this this ability for something to kind of bubble up, like let's say there was an an

7:39

issue that you didn't like the way that he talked about your parents, let's say.

And you know, good buddy was always just one little comment here and there, but he spent a lot of

7:48

time all together and he just like really talked about them a lot more, let's say over peace off.

So there's actually a benefit in a way because when we when we keep being able to say like, OK,

7:59

whatever, we'll deal with it.

We'll deal with it.

8:01

Like it's not such a big deal.

I don't really need to do anything about it.

8:04

It's just every once in a while, doesn't really bother me.

We just kind of keep kicking the can down the road.

8:09

And for some things that's fine.

But some things we don't even notice how they're growing and they're becoming a bigger problem for

8:16

us.

And so, yes, it's true that it will stop bothering you as much.

8:20

In fact, by the time you listen to this episode, it might already, it might already be like, great,

that thing overpayes up and drove me crazy.

8:26

Like, I'm kind of already OK with it.

But I really want to encourage you not to dismiss it so quickly because what's happened is you've

8:32

now identified something.

Now, I don't think you've identified a problem.

8:37

I'm not saying you've identified a huge problem.

You've identified something that's that's giving you some friction in your relationship.

8:44

And we can actually see this as a great opportunity to grow, to get curious and to learn something

about you, him, the way the two of you are interacting.

8:53

So this really is a time, I really want to encourage you to use this time to unpack whatever came up

for you over over Yante.

9:01

And again, I'm going to, I might keep referring to your husband, but if it wasn't him, but maybe there was somebody else that you kept interacting with, you were really struggling with, you can do

9:09

the same thing there.

So what does it even mean to unpack something?

9:15

So create a couple of things #1 is like I said, it's just identifying it.

It's just getting at words.

9:20

It's hard for me the way my husband talks about my parents, for instance, right?

Or I wish my husband was more involved when he did the activities on Holuboi.

9:31

OK.

It's just giving it some words and allowing yourself to feel something.

9:38

So often we want to get into this fix it energy and we, we're like scared.

Like, Oh my gosh, if I notice that I don't like it, then like something's going to blow.

9:47

But think about it. You're married to a human.

9:49

He's not perfect.

Neither are you, by the way.

9:52

We'll talk about that in a minute.

But he's not perfect.

9:54

He has his pros and cons.

He has his strengths and weaknesses.

9:57

It's OK for you to notice that something's hard for you.

There's a very big difference in noticing something with some curiosity and some self compassion

10:06

versus like ruminating and spinning out and obsessing over something and asking ridiculous questions

that we'd love to ask.

10:13

Like, well, what's it going to be like when our kids are older and he's still like this?

And we like, make a whole drama about how this could go and the worst case scenario, no, that's not

10:22

what I'm talking about.

But just, oh, you know, that was kind of hard for me.

10:27

I'm not stepping it down.

I'm just being curious.

10:29

I'm being very compassionate.

I'm not even really blaming him.

10:32

I'm just kind of calling a spade a spade.

This was happening.

10:36

This was hard for me.

OK, so we stay in curiosity as opposed to going into criticism, right?

10:41

Those are those like the paradigm that we're always trying to remind you of whenever we see

ourselves going into criticism.

10:47

Always use curiosity as the antidote.

OK, so I'm not going into curiosity yet for him.

10:51

I'm actually kind of a curiosity for myself.

That's always like, why did he do it?

10:55

I could go there one day if I wanted to.

And right now it's just noticing it for myself.

10:59

What was that like for you when he said that about your parents?

Right.

11:04

What was it like for you when you were, you know, taking the kids on mini golf?

Yeah.

11:08

You decided to stay at home.

What happened?

11:11

OK.

And again, the reason we're doing this is because it's now come up.

11:16

If it's bothered you, it's come up enough to be identified.

It is not a crisis.

11:19

It is not a thing that immediately needs to be dealt with or something terrible is going to happen.

It's possibly the next step forward in your relationship.

11:27

Be a great opportunity.

OK, so then we just want to remember this piece as MFR, which is that every meter has its pros and

11:35

cons, right.

So I like to think about this in terms of just the one of the simplest ways of of thinking about

11:41

personality types is has said people and good war people.

OK, so if you've got festive people in your life, and sometimes I'll say this to someone and they're

11:47

like, Oh my gosh, that just explained that higher relationship.

So probably deserves its own podcast, but you know, on one-on-one foot, if you have a facet person

11:56

in your life or you are a facet person, a facet person tends to not really notice the boundaries.

They are givers.

12:02

They love people.

They see the need, they see what someone else is looking for.

12:08

They might be very conscious of their own needs and they might assume that you're like them and that

you want to give them what they need right now.

12:18

So they might just come and take it or they might ask for something that you feel uncomfortable that

they're asking for right.

12:23

If you're more of a good world person has the people are amazing by the way, so are good world

people.

12:28

Like they're two different, two different traits, But that's, that's kind of like we want to put

that box.

12:34

It's a very broad box.

Obviously people are much more than these two things, but it's a it's, it's very useful.

12:39

So I love to use it, right.

So the big cuts that person.

12:41

So again, not so much into the boundaries, not so much as to let's say they're going to be more into

Ava sashan versus Euro Sashan.

12:47

They're going to be into people, they're going to be into giving.

And, and just like this kind of like Mikasa Sukasa type energy, right?

12:56

It's not just my house, it's your house, but also your house is my house.

And you can't go both ways.

13:00

Now, a Gbura personality is a different strength.

It's a Gbura personality is I see the boundaries.

13:06

My house is my house and your house is your house.

And doesn't mean I won't ever do cassad, but I'm not just going to ask for something.

13:12

I'm going to 1st think like, how would that, how would you take that?

How would that feel for you?

13:17

A Gbura person to a Crescent person could seem a little bit cold, a little bit calculated, a little

bit like, hey, what's the deal?

13:22

Why are you so caught up on all these rules?

A headset person to a good word person could seem totally out of control, totally unpredictable,

13:29

having no boundaries, right?

So again, I I the reason I another reason I like using the example of Hassan and Gbura here is that

13:37

it's so obvious that they both have a strength, right?

A Hassa person who's so generous, but maybe they're over committing or maybe they say they could do

13:44

something they don't actually follow through.

A Gbur person has amazing boundaries and amazing self-control and discipline, but they might seem

13:51

kind of cold, right?

Or they might actually say no to you.

13:56

That's for something.

So we want to just remember and then you can take it to everything with my example of the sense of

14:03

adventure.

Or, you know, maybe you have a husband who's like very, very, very disciplined, right?

14:09

And you wanted a little bit more room and excitement in your experience of face off.

But like he needed to like make all the things he needed to do all the things that that according to

14:18

his schedule.

And we have to just remember, like I might just be dealing with coming up against the con of this

14:24

particular media right now.

I want to remember that there's a pro.

14:27

And so take some time to remind yourself you can even just challenge yourself.

What are 5 good things about this trait in my husband?

14:34

Go right now.

Write it down right.

14:37

Sign a piece of paper just if we when we ask our brain great questions, we get great answers, right?

So we want to be looking for that as well.

14:44

We're putting our brain to work finding the positives.

We'll find that we won't make them up.

14:49

By the way, I want to make sure that you're understanding me.

I'm not saying make up something that's not there.

14:54

I'm saying where are we focusing our attention?

It's one big picture.

14:58

But if I'm spotlighting on the one problem in this person, I'm missing a lot.

I'm not actually having an accurate shot at who he is as a person.

15:08

And the other piece to remember, which I think can be very powerful is that you're a package deal

too.

15:16

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, including ourselves.

And so sometimes when I'm dealing with a person and I'm thinking, oh gosh, well, like they have AI

15:25

know all their weak.

I know the weaknesses.

15:27

It's this thing, this thing makes me crazy, right?

And I see myself get into that space and think, well, I've got some weaknesses too.

15:34

They probably know about them.

How do I hope they'll manage that?

15:42

How do I hope my husband will think and feel and respond to my weaknesses?

Because I have them and I'm working on them.

15:51

I don't know if I'm going to ever get rid of all of them.

Probably not right?

15:54

Or always going to be a work in progress.

So what am I hoping he'll do about that?

16:01

What thoughts would I love to be going through my husband's head about my weaknesses?

Probably something like happened.

16:10

In the grand scheme of things, she's amazing, right?

Is that really such a big deal?

16:17

That's what I want my husband to be thinking.

So when we think about it like that and we remember that we're all a work in progress.

16:24

We're all trying to grow.

We all have our areas that are just so hard for us and his areas aren't going to be the same as

16:33

yours.

One of the best ways to to think about the city because I think sometimes what what what I hear with

16:38

my clients is that the areas that they struggle levels with their husbands are the areas that they

can't understand the struggle.

16:45

They don't have the same 1.

So she's very disciplined and he's really struggles the structure, so she can't get it.

16:53

So it's so irritating, right?

Because she's like, just do this.

16:56

I know what to do, I know how to do it.

You just set the alarm, you go to bed, you make a reminder to go to bed on time, you go to bed on

17:02

time, and then you set the alarm and then you get up.

What's the problem?

17:05

But if it was that simple, he'd be a different person, right?

For him, it's not so simple.

17:10

He is or complex people, right?

And, and, and he's different than you.

17:14

He has different strengths and weaknesses in you.

And instead of thinking of it as something frustrating, like I can't understand him, I want you to

17:21

think of this as pooling your assets as a couple, OK?

Because if he had all the same strengths and weaknesses as you, you just have two of all the same

17:29

things, and you'd have no strengths in the places where you have weaknesses.

So instead we look at it as like, what are your pooled resources here?

17:37

You as a couple, as a marriage.

You have his spontaneity and your structure maybe, or vice versa, right?

17:44

You have maybe your facet and his gopura.

You might have his sense of numbers and your sense of amazing spices for the chicken.

17:55

I don't know what it is, right?

We want to pool those resources.

17:59

We don't want him to just be another one of us.

Would that make it a little bit easier?

18:04

Maybe Sometimes, yes, but long term, no, right?

Long term, you'd have so much less to pull for as a couple.

18:11

So when you're remembering that you're on the same team, you're working towards the same goals, you

actually don't even want to have all the same strengths and weaknesses.

18:20

So just notice that the thing that's been hard for you in anything that's coming up with your

husband is something that maybe comes easily to you.

18:28

OK.

And just remember that might be what's going on there.

18:32

So what do we do about this?

I've given you a couple ideas.

18:35

So rate #1 is just if there's anything that came up for you, I want you to really articulate it to

yourself.

18:40

And with curiosity.

XYZ happened and this is what it was like for me, right?

18:44

Doesn't have to be blaming.

It doesn't have to be spinning out also noticing what are the what is the media behind it?

18:50

What is the character trait behind this thing that I experienced?

And what are 5 pros of that character trait?

18:58

And if you want to do this as a journaling exercise or even just a reflection, remembering that

you're a package deal too, how would you love him to be thinking about that?

19:07

OK.

All right.

19:09

So I really want to encourage you.

I think that this is the kind of work that can really build a lot of connection and a lot of

19:15

awareness and compassion and understanding between the two of you, even if you're the only one doing

it.

19:21

And it's building something, it's building something between the two of you, because the more you

understand each other, the more you see yourself with the team, the stronger that foundation is for

19:30

your relationship.

And those of you who are still in your first couple years of marriage, this is the time for that.

19:36

Exactly right.

I know especially once you have kids, that starts to feel like the priority and you get very, it can

19:42

be very consuming to be thinking about what they need and how to take care of all of that.

Don't lose your marriage in the blur of all of that.

19:51

Last piece is I want to just say if anyone listening to this is thinking, OK, yeah, it's not so

simple for me.

19:59

Or I, I kind of got a lot of these or I just feel like I'm not going to do this work on my own and

I, I really would like someone to walk me through it.

20:08

I do have some spots open right now for private coaching, so this is the time to book a consult.

We also have this gorgeous spot of time.

20:16

So it's like one of those nice times, the Jewish calendar, where like we can get into a little bit

of structure.

20:21

So that can be very beneficial for coaching because really the more consistent your sessions are,

the more progress that we see.

20:28

So the consult is totally free.

I will give you a clearer understanding of what you're experiencing than you have right now.

20:35

That is my number one goal is that you have clarity at the end of this console call.

I'll also explain to you where coaching fits in and why we might use and how we might use coaching

20:45

to address what it is that you're dealing with.

And that is a very, very no stress, no commitment.

20:52

Some of you are going to come to that call knowing already you're ready to sign up, and that's

great.

20:56

Some of you might want to go talk to your husband about it, talk to your parents, see if they can

help you, whatever it is totally fine.

21:02

This is a no stress, no pressure consult.

I'd love to meet you.

21:07

I'd love to give you a little bit more clarity about what you're dealing with and some more

confidence that it's something that can be dealt with and that you can still have an amazing solid

21:17

marriage even if there's some kinks you're trying to work out.

If you're much more of the self pay, self-directed type, my first memory course is online is

21:26

available right now.

You could start today. kaylalevin.com/newlywed telling you each one of these pieces of the course is like

21:32

its own stand alone.

By the time you get towards the end, you get the communication master class.

21:36

That is all of my research and learning and coaching that I have used with hundreds of women over 12

years, a long time packed into one class.

21:49

So it's a lot of material.

The number one thing I heard from people was please make this lifetime access.

21:53

I know I'm going to want to go back and listen more, but you got it.

It is a lifetime access course and you can buy it today and get started today at kaylalevin.com/newlywed

22:03

What?

So I would love to see you in either of those places and I will see you on the next episode.

22:10

Have a great rest of your day.

Bye.