Episode 218 - Your Pesach Challenges

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In this episode, we’re diving into the unique challenges that can come up around Pesach—from navigating in-law dynamics and family expectations, to finding agreement over budgeting for Yom Tov clothes and finding time to actually connect with your husband amidst all the chaos. I’ll walk you through how to prioritize your relationship even when things feel hectic, why quality matters more than quantity, and how to start thinking long-term when it comes to family harmony. You’ll also hear some practical tips and a gentle reminder that your version of a successful Pesach might look different—and that’s okay.

💡 Resources Mentioned:

• 📞 Free Consultation with Kayla: Interested in personalized coaching? Schedule a free consult with Kayla Levin here: kaylalevin.com​

• 🎙️ Podcast Episode – 'Your Mother-In-Law': Gain insights on improving your relationship with your mother-in-law in this episode: kaylalevin.com/post/ep-147-a-better-relationship-with-your-mother-in-law-with-rachel-glasser​kaylalevin.com

• 🎓 First Year Married Course: Navigate the early stages of marriage with confidence. Enroll in the First Year Married course: kaylalevin.com/newlywed

Transcript

0:00

There's kind of this like threat radar going on until we get that sense that the marriage is super

secure and I am a priority with this guy.

0:12

Welcome to How to Glow, where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

I'm certified Coach Kayla Levin and I help married Jewish women go from surviving and overwhelmed to

0:22

thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little

self-awareness along the way.

0:31

Hey all OK, we are getting ready for Pesach.

So of course I wanted to come on here and help you out with some of the challenges that you're

0:39

anticipating, worried about, stressed about as you get ready for your Pesach.

So I asked the women inside of my podcast WhatsApp chat, what are some of the things that you would

0:50

love me to discuss on the podcast?

I've got 4 here that I think show four of the main challenges that marriages have in those early

1:00

stages, right?

Marriage is still kind of like figuring out its foundation, whether that's the first year or the 1st

1:05

10 years, you're still figuring out some of the family dynamics.

You're figuring out your own culture as a family.

1:11

So these questions really, really address that.

And that is great.

1:15

So thank you, first of all, so much to those of you who sent in your questions.

I think this is going to be really valuable for everybody.

1:22

We can, you know, I'm going to call these newlywed challenges, but even the people who sent them in

are not all newlyweds.

1:27

You'll see someone's talking about getting your kids dressed and someone's already, you know, been

married for several years.

1:32

But what I mean by that is kind of like that phase one challenge.

It's that phase of still figuring these things out, which by the way, means you will get to a point

1:42

where this is figured out, which is great news.

It gets easy, it gets easier.

1:48

OK, maybe different challenges, but it definitely gets easier.

So the first one that was sent in is for me, my biggest challenge is finding time to connect with my

1:56

husband.

But so many people around and it's such a busy time.

2:01

So #1 what is that phase one challenge that we're looking at here, which is classic to every

marriage, that something that you need to figure out how to do for your marriage to get that strong

2:13

foundation, which is to create that sense of security in the relationship.

Because when we don't have that sense of security in the relationship, even if you know, he's not

2:21

going anywhere, I'm not going there.

We love each other.

2:23

There's still not that really, really solid sense that this marriage, it's, it's just a given.

And what happens is until you're there, everything is run by your head as like, is this a threat?

2:38

It could be him spending too much time calling his mother.

It could be him hanging out with his brother on the couch.

2:43

And you feel like you'd like more attention, right?

There's kind of this like threat radar going on until we get that sense that the marriage is super

2:51

secure and I am a priority with this guy.

So what can you do?

2:57

Because here's The thing is, when you're selling phase one, that's the reality, right?

The reality is it takes a whole phase of life, a phase of a relationship, this whole developmental

3:06

stage to get to a place where that's going to feel like a given, where you're not going to be kind

of in that mode.

3:12

And so knowing that you're there can be really, really, really supportive and helpful.

But I want to give you a little more than that.

3:19

So the first piece for you to think about is to think about what does a successful Pesach look like

and really articulate it.

3:27

In fact, I would say take 1015 minutes with your husband.

You're going to want to do it for longer because it's so much fun.

3:33

But if all you can imagine is taking 15 minutes, just do 1010 or 15 minutes and write down on a

piece of paper together what would be called success and hold yourself to it.

3:43

If after Pesach all those things happened and everything else went wrong, you still get to say we

did it.

3:48

OK, So it has to be something that you're going to hold yourself to, even if, let's say you know, it

wasn't the most perfect or it wasn't the most comfortable, but it was successful.

3:57

And I'm using the word successful intentionally because something can be successful and not be

comfortable.

4:02

It could be successful and not always be the most enjoyable.

OK.

4:07

But each of you gets to determine for yourself what's called success and you as a couple can

determine that.

4:12

So once you've articulated what is the successful pay sack look like, you might know that actually

for you it's him getting the time with his family because he doesn't seem to see them very often.

4:23

And so then as he's with them, you're going, we're doing it right, We're succeeding.

We're doing that thing that we tried that we set out to do at the beginning of Pesach.

4:32

Another tool for you is to focus here on quality versus quantity.

You're right, it's a really, really busy time.

4:39

There's tons of people around.

There's a lot of needs, a lot of like bustling activities and things to do.

4:45

So focus during this time because you know, it's just a specific phase on quality over quantity.

That means if you grab those 5 minutes and a cup of coffee together, get your phones away, right?

4:59

Give him your full attention.

And by the way, if he's on his phone, you can just ask to see what he's looking at or like ask it to

5:06

tell you what's interesting on there, right?

It doesn't have to be like if he's not doing it, we're this is broken, OK, but you want to be

5:12

focusing during this time on quality over quantity.

When I am spending time with him, how do I want to be showing up?

5:17

You want to give more importance to that then maybe you would need to if you're spending two hours

chilling every night at the end of the day.

5:25

And the last piece here is to enjoy on his behalf.

OK, so one thing I hear about a lot is like, let's say he's joking around with his sister or his

5:32

brother and you're feeling like disconnected.

Like you don't even really get that joke or even that whole sense of humor.

5:39

But what you can do to feel connected because that's really what you want.

You don't necessarily want to be on the in on the joke.

5:44

You don't necessarily want to be playing the game with them or whatever it is that's happening.

You want to feel connected and one of the ways to feel connected is in your happiness for him.

5:54

Think for a second about how much he's getting out of this, how grateful you are for him that he's

having this time with his family.

6:00

Also, another one that's really huge is your enjoyment and seeing another side of him.

This goes back to kind of that one of the ways that we try to create that sense of security is it is

6:11

it is it knowing our husbands like I really know everything about him.

I'm the expert in my husband.

6:15

So I can feel I can feel safe now, like I can feel comfortable now.

That's kind of this like subconscious thing going on.

6:22

And so in the beginning, it can be a little threatening to see him, let's say, joking around with

his siblings in a way that he doesn't ever joke around with you.

6:30

Maybe he's laughing more than he ever laughs with you.

It's like, what's what's going on?

6:33

Are we missing something?

And I didn't even know this was here.

6:36

I didn't even know this was part of him.

Like, what's, what's the story?

6:39

Am I, am I, are we not as close as I thought we were?

And what I want you to know is that actually this is very unique to the beginning of a marriage

6:47

because when women are married longer, we actually need to intentionally seek out seeing those new

sides of him.

6:54

It's something I tell women who are, let's say past 10 years, married all the time.

Go go watch him do some public speaking.

7:00

Go listen to him talk to a friend when you know he you have someone over for Shabbos.

Intentionally watch him in different contexts because the more you think you know who he is, the

7:13

more you lose that initial spark and newness that drew you together in the 1st place.

So you always want that.

7:20

So it's interesting because the exact same thing coming from two different places can create 2 very

different results.

7:25

If you're watching him joke around to the siblings and he's having the best time, you could feel

threatened by it.

7:29

Or you could be like, wow this is fun.

I didn't even know you had that whole side of him.

7:35

Even more to discover, right?

And really it just comes down to kind of the channel you want to be tuned into in your brain as

7:43

you're watching him doing what he's doing.

OK, so that was question number one.

7:47

I'm going to go on to question #2 question #2 is my husband.

Her biggest challenge is her husband not wanting to spend time with her parents.

7:56

It's not an option to be home for Yom Tov right now, and they're likely going to need to spend lots

of time with her parents.

8:03

He's OK to go for part, but he's really not excited.

She wish, she wish she wishes he could even enjoy their company, but at this point she's not even

8:12

dreaming of that.

OK, number one, I just want to say thank you so much for sending this in.

8:18

This is very big.

It's very common.

8:21

And I want to acknowledge that it can feel like an enormous challenge.

So what is this phase one challenge we're looking at right now?

8:28

The, the essential, like, fundamental thing that's happening is feeling torn between your family of

origin and the new family you're building.

8:36

OK.

What we would all love is if everything just came together in this perfect little, you know, like

8:41

everything matches and fits and it all just goes.

And even though we realize that's not going to happen, it can feel very painful when there's some

8:49

friction as your husband's getting used to your family, as you're getting used to his family, as

your families are getting used to each other.

8:55

I hear about all of these.

The biggest stumbling block here that you probably don't even notice is happening.

9:03

And you might even intellectually know better, but on some level, the biggest stumbling block is

thinking that it was supposed to happen quickly.

9:10

He was supposed to get used to my family quickly.

They were supposed to hit it off.

9:14

They even did while we were dating.

Like, what's happening here?

9:17

Because what happens?

First of all, it's very disappointing.

9:21

If I thought it was supposed to happen quickly, then I feel devastated that it's not going according

to the timeline.

9:26

And it's amazing because we didn't even realize we had a timeline until nothing's following it,

right?

9:32

But the bigger problem, even more so, is that the way it comes out is if I thought it was supposed

to happen quickly, what I'm very likely to do is to try to convince my husband to see it

9:42

differently, to understand my parents better, to come along, to have a higher value of extended

family.

9:49

Whatever.

The thing is, I'm trying to convince him.

9:52

And very often what happens is that when we're struggling with something and someone tries to

convince us of something, we feel very invalidated, right?

9:58

So this is how your husband might end up feeling if you're coming at him trying to convince him.

And keep in mind, the only reason you're trying to convince him is this original belief that it was

10:07

all supposed to happen pretty quickly.

So here's what I want you to do.

10:11

I want you to just sit with the idea that this was always supposed to take time.

Are there freak accidents where the families just gel?

10:21

Yes, they are the exception, not the rule.

But then you get to start to think long vision, right?

10:27

I want you thinking in terms of years and decades, not in terms of days, hours, weeks.

Then you can start to be strategic in a way that is going to really make an impact, right?

10:38

Instead of if I'm, if I'm thinking I'm supposed to go fast and I want to make fast changes, I want

to convince him right now or at least by the end of this trip.

10:45

I want to make it better now.

It becomes almost intolerable for it to not be OK right now.

10:51

But when I really like sit with the idea and the reality that these things take time, relationships

take time, getting used to a new family takes time, and you have all the time in the world.

11:04

Then you can start to think in terms of what are some strategic things that are not going to bear

fruit this trip or this day or this hour, but might really help us in the long run.

11:16

For instance, starting to get curious about what specifically his challenges are.

Don't think you know, don't assume that you understand it.

11:24

Let him explain it to you.

What's hard for you about this?

11:27

It might be different than what you think is going on.

And then from that place, some of them might be things that you can actually influence right now.

11:34

I don't mean to go in and storm in again, we're not talking short term.

We're looking really long term.

11:39

But if there's certain things that are harder for him, you could be seated somewhere different.

He could be spending more time with the family members that are easier for him.

11:46

Sometimes the influence could be even more direct than that.

But once you're clear on what the challenges are, you can start to see if there's anything you can

11:53

do about it.

Also, he might know there might be certain things that make it better for him or that make spending

11:59

time with your family better.

What things do but things, what does he enjoy and how can you maximize on that?

12:07

OK, So again, phase this this phase challenge phase one challenge that we're looking at is when you

start to feel that friction between your family of origin, the family you were born into and this

12:17

new family you have with your husband.

And the way to look at that is to just really take a take a breath and think long term.

12:26

OK, next question.

One of my biggest challenges is getting myself and all the kids the clothes they need for pay sock

12:32

while staying in budget, especially when my husband got doesn't get the whole clothing stress.

All right, so what's going on with her?

12:40

The phase one challenge she's got here is and the sounds worse than it is, but this is how I'm going

to name it.

12:46

Clashing values.

OK, so on his side it's budgeting or fiscal responsibility and on her side it might be fitting in or

12:54

it might just be giving cover to the young def like that maybe is very important to her.

There's lots of different reasons that we want to buy nice clothes for our kids.

13:00

So I can't really, you know, I can't, I'm not going to guess for her, but there's a lot of different

reasons.

13:05

So what do we want to do?

What do we do when there's clashing values in general, right?

13:10

This is an example.

But in general, the first thing I want you to check is, is there someone here who carries the

13:15

responsibility?

So for instance, if he's responsible for the money, and I don't mean he's the one who brings it in.

13:22

I mean he's the one who at the end of the day, if the lights go out, who is hanging their head in

shame and who's pointing a finger.

13:29

Hopefully nobody's doing either, but if the lights go out, one person's going to see, oh, I was

responsible I should have figured it out before that happened.

13:37

OK usually these are like they can be ideally these are explicit agreements in a couple, but most

often these are just kind of implied or assumed and usually couples are pretty much on the same on

13:48

the same page for the the major ones.

OK, I call these zones of responsibility.

13:52

This is one of the things I teach inside the first year married course.

It's how to go through your marriage and intentionally set up the zones of responsibility because

14:00

part of being a team is that you don't all need to do all the things anymore.

And sometimes one of you needs to be able to make a final decision.

14:08

And you can't do that if you're trying to share all the responsibility for every single area of your

life.

14:13

OK, so if someone has full responsibility of an area in your life, that means that person has the

veto.

14:21

What that means is means is that person gets to say no to something that threatens their vision.

The example I always give is in my family, my husband is responsible for is responsible for safety.

14:32

OK?

He has some training as a medic.

14:34

And so when it comes to like, you know, is that a sprain or a break, the answers always go to Daddy,

OK?

14:39

If it comes to a specific activity, the answer is, does Daddy say it's safe?

There have been times when I thought it was OK for the kids to do certain things or write on certain

14:48

toys, and my husband said no.

But you know what?

14:52

It's his responsibility to keep us safe.

He holds that as his responsibility.

14:55

I am in on that.

Like that's obviously he can't like ultimately it's that's a sham.

15:00

But in terms of those those day-to-day decisions, he carries that responsibility.

That means he has to be able to say no.

15:07

If I say no, I'm going to take all the toddler skiing right now, he's going to say, well, then I

can't be responsible for their safety.

15:14

OK, So if someone has responsibility of an area, they need to be able to say no.

So if he's ultimately responsible in this example for your money, again, regardless of who brings it

15:24

in, he has to be able to say how much you can spend on clothing.

But I want to give you a little more than that because I think then you might feel a little bit

15:33

stuck.

And I think for good reason, because very often it's very hard for us to see outside of our zone of

15:39

responsibility.

So he's focused on money.

15:40

It's very easy for him to just say, well, no, I have a plan and here's how much money we can spend.

So one of my favorite tricks is you have a discussion with the agreement not to come to any

15:49

decisions.

This is great because instead of trying to convince the other person in the moment, all the urgency

15:55

goes away.

You're not allowed to make a decision in this conversation.

15:59

You're going to have to sleep on it.

And you can decide in the next day, OK, or in the next conversation.

16:05

So you can have this conversation.

So I know you might say no, and I respect that you're responsible for our money.

16:11

I respect that, you know, you're trying to make sure that we can pay all our bills.

And I'm not going to take that away.

16:17

If you say no, it's a no, but could I just make sure that you, I would like to just express my, my

experience and like why it matters to me that I shop at this store or I get them these outfits or I

16:28

get this many outfits.

Can I let you know?

16:31

I want you to understand where I'm coming from because then maybe together like it might change.

We might make different decisions and I just want to make sure you've got all the facts.

16:39

OK, so honouring that person and by the way, it can go both ways, but honouring that the person has

the right to say no if it's something that's going to threaten their there's area of responsibility

16:50

allows it to be safer for you to express what you need to express to share that extra information.

And then they might want to go back and make some adjustments and ultimately most likely come to

16:59

some kind of compromise.

All right, last question for today.

17:04

So she says hi Kayla.

Thank you for giving us what we all need.

17:06

You are very welcome.

We have a blended family and this year we plan to drive to his children in in the Northeast.

17:13

I love them also, but I'll miss my kids which are who are back at home and there's different

dynamics in each family.

17:18

Barack Hashem, but not as relaxing, including sharing a bathroom.

Grateful for such a problem, but sometimes stressful.

17:25

I love Pesach once he gets here and want to enjoy a meaningful 1.

So first of all, thank God coffee is kosher for Pesach.

17:32

Can you imagine?

That's the first thing that came up for me when I was thinking about challenging Pesach experiences.

0:00

So this one I included because there are so many people who are going into situations that are

17:44

technically challenging and the technical challenge, let's say you might get less sleep if you have

kids, your kids won't sleep.

17:51

The food might not be what sits well with you, right?

The house you're going to might be a little bit less clean in terms of standards or less tidy in

18:00

terms of standards that you're used to.

OK.

18:02

So I want to acknowledge that there's there's the physical discomfort, which we're just going to

call it being hard and there is experiencing the hug.

18:12

So the number one thing to remember, which I feel like personally, I need to remind myself of this

like every hour, which is hard is not the same as bad and easy is not the same as good.

18:24

We have to always try and keep those things divided in our head because then we can go, yeah, yeah,

that's going to be a really hard pace off and it's going to be so good, right?

18:32

That's what I want for you.

Now, first of all, pay stock doesn't have to be hard.

18:35

I'm not implying it has to be hard, but sometimes you're going to go into a situation, there might

be jet lag, there might be no space, there might be, you know, difficult to digest food.

18:43

I don't know whatever your thing is.

And I want you to remember that hard doesn't make it bad.

18:49

OK, but what's the phase one challenge that's coming up in this question, which is the family

culture clash.

18:55

OK, so in phase one, and if for you, you're going through phase one with with multiple family

cultures, right, Because you already have sounds like you've married kids already.

19:04

So it's the the clashes of all the different family cultures that are involved here.

The way to deal with this one is super fun.

19:12

OK.

And the sooner and earlier in your marriage you do it, the more effective it will be, which is I

19:17

want you to imagine that when you go to your in laws, you are going to a foreign country.

What happens when we go to a foreign country?

19:25

I don't know about you, but I like travel.

I like going places where people have very different custom customs.

19:29

I find them fascinating or quaint or appealing or wise, right?

I have a way of relating to them that is not threatening or challenging.

19:38

It's not my culture.

I don't need to do these things so I can just appreciate them for what they are.

19:44

And I can have some that I like more than others.

There's some countries I enjoyed more than other countries that I've enjoyed, right?

19:51

And so that's fine.

It's OK.

19:53

It's just a different culture.

And it's really, really true.

19:57

Every family creates its own culture.

And we forget that because we think that our culture is the normal way of doing things and everyone

20:04

else's is crazy, right?

And we just have to constantly go back and just check, is this a problem?

20:10

Like is this like a lack of boundaries or is this a lack of structure or like not being tidy?

Or like not functional?

20:16

Or is this just family culture and it's not what I'm used to?

And here's the best thing about family culture and imagining it like going to a foreign country.

20:25

Have you ever gone on a vacation and the best part of the vacation was going back home, even if you

enjoyed it?

20:30

Like to me, that's the best part of vacation is that at the end, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I love my

life.

20:34

I just want to go back to it, right?

So it's the same thing here.

20:40

If you have gotten to the point where you've created a family culture between you and your husband

that you enjoy so much that everything else is uncomfortable, that's a lot better than the

20:48

alternative, by the way, right?

Because where we start is that we don't have a family culture at home yet.

20:53

And we're so comfortable in our family of origin culture that it's like it's a culture clash just to

be married, right?

20:59

So finally we get to a place where we have our own little mini culture and it can be hard to step

out of it because we really like it.

21:06

So I want you to know that that is the best possible scenario.

By the way, if you haven't figured out your family culture as a couple yet, that's OK.

21:13

It just means you're still kind of doing the Shana Rashona thing, and that's just going to take as

long as it needs to take.

21:20

All right, my friends, those are my thoughts for you and Pesach.

I hope that, you know, if you found yourself in any one of these Phase one challenges, that you got

21:28

something that you can take away.

Reminding myself hard doesn't have to mean bad.

21:33

It could be so hard and so good.

In fact, I think that's why sitting down to the theater is so satisfying, because there's really no

21:39

other answer that you work so hard for, at least not for me.

And so there is so much satisfaction and pride in that experience.

21:46

So I'm very much looking forward to it.

I hope you have an amazing Pesach.

21:49

If anyone's listening to this and they're like, I just really, really could use some more support, I

want you to go to kaylalevin.com and book a consult with me.

21:57

This is a free call or we can just get on the call and you can tell me what's going on for you.

And I will let you know if it's something that I help people with, if I can help you with it, and I

22:06

can give you a little bit more of an idea of what that looks like.

OK, Have an amazing pesach.

22:11

Again, if you want to book that call, it's kaylalevin.com.

I'd love to meet you and I will see you back here on the next episode.

22:17

Bye.