Ep. 94 - Newlywed Lessons (for Every Stage) with Alison Armstrong - Part 1

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WHOOPEE! One of my absolute favorite humans, teachers, thought leaders, the marvelous Alison Armstrong, is back on the podcast this week!! 

We talked about what newlyweds come up against--the frustrations and struggles--and how they reappear at each stage along the line.

Mainly, you'll learn about expectations: how they change when we get married (for ourselves and for our partners) and how we often realize they're there a little too late.

I know you'll enjoy this episode so much!

So when's the last time you've had an expectation surprise you? Would love to hear yours in the comments.

LEARN MORE: 

Alison Armstrong's programs can be found at her website UnderstandMen.com

I strongly recommend her two books, Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen's Code

Learn more about Kayla's upcoming Mastermind Group Program and 1:1 Coaching at FirstYearMarried.com (not just for newlyweds!)

To hear my previous interview with Alison, listen to Episodes 50 and Episode 51

Transcript

0:00

The things that come up in the first year of marriage, they also come up in every other, every other stage of marriage, what there is to do Remains the Same, whether it's the first year of marriage, the first year of having a child, the first year of retirement, the first year, building a business together.

0:19

The first year of owning a house.

The first year of you started a business that she started business like, it's moving.

Yeah.

Yeah, so it's moving it.

Any any, any change in form and Circumstance, episode 94, special guest, Alison Armstrong, newlywed lessons for every stage Welcome to the first year married podcast.

1:00

Where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.

I'm marriage coach Kayla Levin.

And I take newly married and engaged women from anxious insecure, too confident and connected through practical tips, real-life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.

1:20

Hello, my friends.

Welcome back.

As you heard from that intro.

I have the amazing Allison Armstrong back on the podcast.

I mean, come on.

I feel like I'm just giving you guys a birthday present and he didn't even know.

It was your birthday, stunning give you any teaser for this.

So thrilled to be able to share an even deeper conversation.

1:38

Then we got into the first time, I feel like the first time Alison and I were able to lay a little bit of the groundwork of some of the work that she does and how she's influenced.

Me as a coach this week.

We really dig into it in a way that I know is going to be so valuable no matter what stage of marriage you're in.

1:56

So I'm just gonna be quiet and let you guys enjoy this amazing conversation with the marvelous Allison Armstrong, okay?

Welcome back to the amazing Allison Armstrong.

We are so thrilled to have you back on the podcast.

Mmm, happy to be here.

2:14

Happy to have you.

Okay.

So as we were speaking about, before we got started, we want to make sure to focus on some of the unique dynamics that are going on during the first year of marriage.

But as you said, some of those things can extend.

2:29

So people who've been married longer, can you just sort of rephrase for us or why?

That might be important for them?

Even to be hearing this, let's say they're ten years married, or Further down the line.

Yeah, well, okay, there's a lot involved, and it's so let me give you the highlights and then we can go back and visit things.

2:48

Okay, perfect.

All right.

So first, you have basic human instincts that interfere with happiness and fulfillment and being in love and how much space we have to love, right?

3:08

So things that cause us to Respect and admiration and affinity for our spouse, which then like shrinks the space to feel loved her them.

So, basic, human instinct that this is that like, don't ask and don't tell, and that we have bit, surely speak in a way, that's not actionable, but we think it's communication.

3:33

So that's going to start out at any point in life, that's going to mess with us.

And then you add the What we call the ideal woman or the perfect person, right?

Claudia talks about vervet person in the Queen's code.

3:48

We use the term, the ideal woman in the better man in our online curriculum.

So we have these standards and ideals in our heads that mostly we didn't Source them.

We didn't choose them.

4:03

We didn't decide to care about that.

And many of them are cultural.

And so we what happens is, we end up with expectation that the funniest when I'm watching and one of my daughter right now, A man, she was dating asked her to be his girlfriend.

4:25

And so she's like, Mom, I've got a boyfriend and and she's being hit by her own and other people's me.

Meaning of that, that this is what a boyfriend supposed to do.

And so, as compared to the ideal boyfriend, right?

4:46

As compared to the ideal husband, first year of marriage, we don't even realize that when we get engaged, we suddenly have new expectations of our fiance and of ourselves.

Now, I am supposed to, and he supposed to, and it just slips in, it's just, it's like, it's sneaks in and then, Were expecting that in judging the other person ourselves by those things.

5:12

So that happens at every at every stage boyfriend, engagement marriage, first year of having a child, we're homeowners.

Now, you're supposed to, we have a business together.

5:27

Now, you're supposed to and I'm supposed to or we're retired now, right?

We're supposed to, or you're retired.

So, You're supposed to do.

And there's all these ideals that aren't communicated except when they're violated except when they're disappointed.

5:49

And then they get communicated in a way that really disempowering and not actionable goes back to that thing.

So that's how I got excited first year.

Anything first year I mean I'm turning 60.

6:06

A couple of months.

I have a whole new set of expectations of myself that I am and that I'm, I'm, I'm now supposed to be filmed like, really where did that come from?

So all this can do things, you can, we can touch on and how to root them out, and what it's doing, oh my gosh, amazing.

6:28

And I love, you know, an in any of these situations, the more awareness we have about what you're talking about.

The more we can Even if it's not necessarily set, aside set ourselves up to not experience it.

But you recognized it right away, right?

Where you have that moment of, you know, these ideas are kicking around back there.

6:45

We don't even know they're there.

Just like you said, we only notice them once the other person doesn't match the expectation or we don't match the expectation and now there's conflict.

And now all of a sudden we've noticed it and with this kind of information, it can just like lower, the intensity of that because we have an opportunity to laugh at ourselves and like, oh funny that I just decided that that was a big problem, right?

7:06

Where did that come from?

So interesting.

Yes.

Yeah.

So it's not being able to offer this for for our newlyweds.

I think that probably at least from the women.

I speak to even in the very first year of marriage.

There are already starting to be some of those niggling feelings.

7:22

And sometimes they're even really scary.

Like, before we even get to the point of frustration or resentment, it can be scary.

This idea of like we know II can't have to ignore that, that I think he did something wrong.

Like I don't want to look at that, that's scary that It feels very threatening.

So we're also kind of.

7:38

Yeah, and part of it is, yeah, part of it is a myth that the first year of marriage, your Honeymooners you're supposed to be in Bliss, right?

And and so if you're not there's a big.

7:58

Oh no.

Did I marry the wrong person?

Did I mess up this relationship by getting married today?

And then since you're supposed to be in Bliss, you're not supposed to tell anybody that you're really irritated by what you're supposed to do right now.

8:19

You can't tell anybody that because you're supposed to be in Bliss and and then and you don't want to tell the other person because you're supposed to be madly in love all the time ever since he said I do and to say I'm really not in love with you right now because of this thing that you did or I'm not in love with you right now because I Keep expecting you to do something and I realize I didn't tell you about it.

8:39

Can I boost if you want to agree to it?

So yeah, it's part part of what happens in this is with because of having a posing instincts, like we're not just opposite, just doesn't mean two different opposite comes in the same word that means opposing enemies, opposing opposite hate and and when I one of the things that's opposite from the very beginning is that what's normal for women He is to marry a man who has potential to marry a man.

9:23

Who you know, I can't work with that.

We just need to change this and upgrade that and get more of that and get him to stop doing that.

No more of that going out with the guy ages.

And we got to, you know, add this and take away that and that's not how men get married men.

9:41

Choose their wives from.

I want this to be like this forever.

I mean and they have space like you know they expect certain things to get better over time as you get to know each other and work on it.

They have space for things not being perfect like intimacy for example, for that to develop and get better and better at it.

10:03

But they don't have an agenda for changing their mice.

That's why they want to marry your husband, don't want the teacher.

And, and then we get married and a woman.

The new ideal that, as a bride, she supposed to.

10:22

And it's some of the funniest stuff Kayla, like, they're people who they didn't cook before.

And now they're supposed to cook.

Oh my gosh, they did every woman I'm telling you and I request of the post, like, you know, they're they're they're the ones bringing home all the money.

They are the powerful, you know, strong business women, and they're like, why do I care that?

10:43

I burned the chicken.

Why am I even cooking chicken?

I didn't cook chicken two months ago.

It's so true but cooking.

Yes.

Yes.

Or now that they've never kept kosher, but now they're supposed to MMM, right?

Because just because they're great or they there's this entertain, his his work buddies.

11:08

And why does he bring them home?

I'm happy Hostess.

I'm just entertaining them.

So you're supposed to bring him home so I can entertain them.

Do we want to do that?

No.

But I suppose Create.

I mean I knew a couple that happily living together they got engaged and suddenly she thought she shouldn't have any piles.

11:32

He'd been living with her for a year.

He knows she has published a paper and books.

This is like floors are shelves.

He knew that about her.

When he asked her to marry him, he wasn't like, will you marry me if you stop it?

11:49

Piles of things, but they got engaged in.

Suddenly, she says she cooked dinner and and clear about the piles.

It's stuffed it, but we didn't decide it just in there.

I caught.

I call it dog hair and foxtails, you know, you don't go out into the wild with the intention of coming back with as many weeds stuck to your body as possible, but it happens.

12:14

You don't sit down on a couch thinking.

I hope I stand up with dog hair on the back of my pants, right?

But it happens.

And that's at these expectations.

Are we?

We didn't decide to have them.

I just, I want to take a second on like, how I guess.

12:34

I'm just hits me emotionally the way that you're describing the difference.

Meaning, I know the female side of any trouble relating to that and we do it to ourselves and we do it to them.

And it's so exhausting and when you talk about how the men come men, generally come into the relationship from a place of just like acceptance.

12:56

I mean, that's profound Yeah.

They the biggest difference own this this really helped this is really help because it gives you something to do.

So what we've noticed in the area of commitment men get accused of being a commitment phobic, right?

13:18

But they're they're not they're actually naturally committal and they approach commitment from You could think of it like scooping up, right?

Like okay, I'll take care of this.

13:34

And and in this case it's I'll take care of this person.

Okay.

So it's my job to make sure she has it.

She needs and have her be happy and help her fulfill our dreams if I can.

And and she's okay.

13:49

She gets really upset about that and she's really picky about this and she has a big reaction to that and she loves this and I don't know why she cares about.

About dog, so much but okay.

And they just, they just take the whole package.

They just, they just scoop it up.

14:05

This is my wife.

And if somebody says something about it, they're like, oh yeah, but those are so she That's just how she is.

That's just how she is and they literally by the package.

And as a woman, we can feel that.

14:22

We can feel that we have been taught.

We can feel that we have been accepted.

We breathe when that happens, when he tips over before a proposal or anything.

When he tips over into, I like you and I accept you just the way you are.

14:40

We feel it?

Even if we don't register it, it mindfully.

And what we found is, again, opposite sexes.

In this isn't something to be Liberate ourselves for a tour think that it's bad or worse, or they're better, it's it's something to become aware of and take action on and that is that women.

15:07

Women tend to commit one acceptance at a time.

So all the things.

Yeah.

So what's interesting is a woman, a woman can become more married over time or she can become no more married than she was when I talk to women who are engaged about this.

15:34

Or when they're with someone that they're hoping to generous or life with that, their job is to have their eyes wide open due diligence like you Like if you were going to buy a house you'd have it inspected not because you need a perfect house but because you know, you want to know, you're going to have to replace the plumbing right here.

15:52

If you want to know, you're going to have to do these things.

And that that's part of the acceptance is, okay.

He struggles with this, right?

He tends to overwork and he forgets to eat.

He may do that for the rest of our lives.

16:12

Okay great I'm about is about a week before Greg and I got married.

I suddenly noticed that he had gained a significant amount of weight.

And and then, I liked replayed in my mind conversations and pictures and realize, oh, I I met him at a low point.

16:36

I'm at a minute at a super fit.

Super paying attention.

That's not his Norm.

Oh, I'm about to marry someone who struggles with their weight.

I have always struggled with mine.

My mother struggled with my stepfather's.

16:53

Whoa, I'm not going to make his weight my business.

I'm not gonna struggle with his.

Oh, okay, great.

But I, but Wide Awake.

Great, even I awaken to the week before we got married, right, wide awake.

17:09

Okay, this is what goes with him, right?

And cars and motorcycles, and oh, oh he.

There's always the next car that's going to make him happy.

He's a car guy that took oh oh oh I didn't figure that till like 20 years in.

17:31

But my fantasy that this is going to be the ultimate car, right?

I like I like to own paid for cars.

My fantasy is never going to happen to him, but it took me two decades to figure that out and but it's So if you if you look at the things that you're thinking, you're going to change about him.

17:51

You're wanting to change him at him.

Okay.

Ideally you get everything you wanted but do you do you have to change that obsession?

Is it unbearable?

Does it cause you to lose respect and admiration for him that he does that but he has that behavior or that attitude about something, those are things to talk about things that are just preferences.

18:20

You can talk about it.

But not as a should honey.

It's very thing you need to do that this way because I really prefer it this way.

And if you could do it this way, I wow, that would be awesome for me.

18:37

Would you be willing to do anything for me to do it instead of why didn't you do it like that?

I've told you 12 times.

I like it like that.

How come you still, don't do it the way?

I like it.

Don't you care about me?

Don't you respect me?

Don't you love me?

18:53

Which is what we do.

That's, are we going people don't meet our expectations?

So acceptance one acceptance at a time.

That's how you get more married.

And I know women thirty years after their wedding, their no more married, then when they said I do, and that's because it is I was just going to say that what we were saying in the beginning, which is that all of these things that you can set up consciously in the beginning.

19:23

You know, we're in some in some ways the the first year of marriage can be a container for having that extra Focus, if we choose to use it that way of making all of those, like we see something coming up and making a conscious decision.

That's my guy, right?

19:39

Like, I'm making a decision that I'm buying into that.

But like you said in the beginning, It was conversation that ten years down the line.

We can still do that, right?

We can still make that shift. but also, because I forget Kayla if you're familiar with the stages of development from keys to the kingdom where the amazing development event I am but the listeners.

20:04

So unless they're my client, the defendant must read the book and then you made it.

So the other thing is We, nobody got married to a fixed object.

20:20

And men and women, we are seeing one more go through stages of development that are out of our control.

They happen to us and they affect what we're focused on and its effect.

20:37

What we care about and for, for example, about six months ago, I heard myself saying things, Things that I recognized for my study of men older men say men who transformed from being a king into an elder which is a the way Elders described, it is beyond ambition.

21:04

It's a different way of sorting what's worth doing, right?

Everybody's always sorting what we call the worst-hit calculation, what's worth doing and not worth doing, and it's a big source of conflict because a lot of things that are worth doing for the peace, they give a woman are not worth doing to a man because it wasn't disrupting his piece in the first place, but they're worth doing because it distracts her piece if she can communicate that way.

21:30

But we're always calculating what's worth doing and And it's it's usually not again, it's not at the level of awareness, it's instinctual in order to conserve energy.

And so as we go through these different stages, the worst that calculation is weighted differently.

21:50

And for example, as a man becomes a king And I'm the new director has been about this lately.

Intensely, as a man becomes a king, it's no longer worth it to please people, it's no longer people's approval is no longer worth what it costs.

22:13

So as part of being a king, as I stop doing things that appease other people, now this can be really upsetting to the other people who are used to being a piece, maybe for 20 or 30.

Two years, but even as a woman, what's worth it.

So as we relative to menopause, for example, there are parts of our brain that are turning down and others that are turning up.

22:38

And and so the current end part of the brain that LouAnn brizendine talks about in the female brain which I strongly recommend the care and 10 part of the brain shuts.

Down it contracts, it turns off.

And that it being worth it, to pay attention to other preferences to make them, a cup of tea to, you know, make you a pot of soup, the compulsion to do that, isn't there anymore?

23:07

So doing those things is a conscious choice because of it's worth it for a different reason and we all these things happen, right?

So we're going through stages and changing their going through stages in changing.

Then there's life circumstances that changes.

23:24

So that that acceptance that facing it.

Instead of thinking, this is a temporary misbehavior that I'm going to get to go away by complaining about it, very loudly?

No.

Okay, this is, it's like watching children, right?

23:41

Children are allowed to go through stages.

Oh, they're at this stage now.

Do we allow ourselves to go to the stages and then adapt and except in.

Okay, so I understand you're at this stage now and so there's less of this that I can expect of you and more of this you need from me.

24:03

And there's a single isn't all right with me.

I'm really no, no.

When you do that, I actually think I'm better off without you.

And that's bad.

We need to talk.

We're knots that when we're thinking, I better off without them or they're thinking they're better off without us, we're in deep trouble.

24:26

And and, and the step before that is thinking, gosh, it's hard to get this from them.

And then we need, that's too hard to get something we needed to do hard to get them become something.

We give up on getting which then ends up at, I'm better.

24:44

Forget this person and sorry.

Yeah, go ahead.

I just want to go ahead and we can approach that.

25:04

I know someone who's on that cliff in the first year of having their first child, it's heartbreaking right there, not even living together.

Because that's because changes in circumstances, bring this stuff up.

25:20

So go ahead.

What were you going to say or ask?

Yeah, I was just going to ask that.

I mean, I know that when I learned about the way you teach the stages of development that you're referring to hear that, there were a lot of things that I probably would have thought this isn't okay for me.

But when I had that, that Paradigm and I was able to see that he's in a certain phase of his development and and understand that he's You know, working so hard because he's trying to provide and he went through a really classic, you know, early Prince of just throwing himself into career after career and it was so painful, so beautiful.

25:55

We were so Kylie unemployed for him and for you and and, and I've had clients in the in the same scenario and I'm like, I just, I get it, I totally got it and yes, but when you have the Paradigm than you're able to say like, okay, well that might have without that Paradigm that might have felt like this is an unfulfilled need and I might be better off without you.

26:16

But when I understand that this is your development and this is what you're going through, it completely reframes, it How does a person distinguish between this is a need a deep need that's being it's not being met and I need to understand you better.

26:33

Maybe I need to get like, clean up my own thinking about this and start to question why I'm making this such a big thing.

Maybe it's one of those.

You know, we call the manuals but you call it the perfect.

Perfect man.

Ideal, man.

Riley, or maybe maybe it's one of these expectations that I had built into it and I can question that expectation.

26:50

So how does one distinguish between between In those.

I think, you know, I think one of the most important qualities for anybody who wants to have an extraordinary relationship, or being extraordinary parent is curiosity and it and even curiosity about yourself.

27:18

I didn't comes from the Greek word, that means to care, but I, I'm going to add to that be suspicious be suspicious about your own interpretation be suspicious about The meaning that you assigned to something.

27:34

Oh, he does this because he doesn't respect me.

He does this because he doesn't care about me.

He does this because he's whatever quality you're going to assessment or judgment, you're going to cite.

What if that's not why, what if we're usually wrong and think about think about the people in your life who decide why you do what you do and they're wrong and they're not willing To verify with you.

28:04

Okay, so there's a thing you did and it hurt my feelings and with the words my head said was that you did that because you don't really care about me.

And you don't really care about me.

Because what's wrong with me?

28:19

Is that I am not smart enough for you.

You.

That's what it said and I'm suspicious.

So, would you be willing to tell me why you did what you did and If you're willing to be wrong, that moment like it seems like is it is it really good word?

28:41

It seems like you don't care about me when you do that really geek.

Oh my gosh, I did that because I care about you really.

What are you paying attention to why?

I need to protect you from being too tired?

That's why I take it by the hand, to go to the bed, go to bed.

28:58

Oh, I think you're trying to control me when I just want to stay up.

You're treating me like a child.

No, you just get so tired, honey.

You're in there.

You're not happy the next day.

So I'm just trying to have you be happy?

Oh, okay, well if you did it like this that would work better.

29:17

I wouldn't feel like you were my mother.

Making me go to bed.

It's this great piece to do is see if I like is making me go to bed now.

Yours later, we figured out, I have a completely different chronological Rhythm than he did, and it's just so funny, but Oh gosh.

29:37

The power of when if you if your people want to do something powerful, the power of when quiz.com dr.

Michael Bruce, he's onto something really amazing.

And it changed my life and Greg.

29:54

And I literally the hormones in our bodies to tell us to wake up to tell us, to go to sleep, to have us, be focused to have us.

Be sociable to have us one intimacy.

They were happening on opposite time schedule.

30:10

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was trying to get him to do things on my khurana rhythm and he was trying to get me to live my life on his kind of Rhythm, because he thought it'd be so much better for me and he didn't even know that Exactly, exactly.

30:31

And yeah so there's just so much understand about each other and that's what I mean by be be curious, but also be suspicious because the the natural thing to do is to project onto another person.

30:48

They care about what I care about, they need what I need.

They like, what?

I like, they feel loved the way I do.

They want to be approached her intimacy the way I do.

They feel preciate it the way that Did they feel supported the way that I do and just from basic human instincts?

31:03

We found that to mostly not be true.

Okay, my friends that was part one of our conversation and I cannot wait to share with you part 2 next week.

So make sure you tune back in.

If you are not subscribe to the podcast, please make sure you are subscribed so you don't miss that episode or any of the other awesome things I have coming your way and if you give it a listen and you wanted to share any of your thoughts, I love it.

31:27

When you guys Tag me over on Facebook and Instagram.

I'm at first year married, so I can see what you're taking from this and give you a shout out.

So have an amazing week, everyone, you back here next week, with part 2.

Bye-bye.